Hi all could use some opinions on this one,<BR>H and i separated 5 weeks ago not really plan B but i needed him to leave to save my pain.<BR>He lives alone but is still seeing OW, her H moved out 2 weeks ago, when i asked my H if he was moving in he said he can but dosent know if he will, hasent met kids yet and is putting that off.<BR>Sunday was a bad day found out he stayed there Sat night and most of Sunday ( Kids still not there) He came round Sun night and i was abit upset.<BR>We talked a bit H still dosent know what he wants after 16 months i ended up saying why cant he just end us and let me get over him, his answer to that is i dont want to (we have been together 26 years).<BR>Anyway i sent a text message to him today (sometimes i get more sense than when i ask in person) asking him what was truely holding him back from ending us and being with OW full time, this was his reply<P>Maybe just not sure its right no particular reasons just feelings or instinct whatever you want to call it.<P>After 16 months of her, and what hes put us through surely if he loved her he would know??.<BR>Im so confused last week we went out and he stayed the night how can he do that if he loves her, hes breaking my heart and our kids wont talk to him, why cant he see the havoc he is causing?? <P><BR> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Liz

lizzle - <BR>I don't see any reason for your WH to make a decision...he spends some nights with you and some nights with OP and YOU BOTH let him do this...he's getting his cake and eating it too! On top of this he doesn't have to deal with ANYONE's kids because he's got his own place....boy does he have it made.<BR>In my opinion, do a plan B for whatever period of time floats your boat...you need to cut him off from your care of his emotional needs (which ever ones you are providing) and let her try to provide them all. Plus - this is about self preservation,honey...you've got to get your head together FOR YOU....(forgetting him for the moment). You DON'T DESERVE THIS!!<BR>LLL

Hi LLL<BR>Thanx for your reply, its not quite like that he dosent usually stay here it was a one off just a bit of me wanted to prove that i could still get him going.<BR>And his place is our small caravan in a haulage yard in the back of beyond.<BR>But i agree about not letting him have his cake and eat it, thats why i asked him to leave,it had gone on to long.<BR>I think that was a mistake on my part last week but it made me feel good at the time (him cheating on OW).

lizzle<BR>I just wanted to let you know that I'm feeling pretty much the same way(WH has been living with OW for 8 months now-seeing her for a 4 or so months before that). I'm a nervous wreck, as I'm sure you are too. I've tryed plan B 3X but it was only temporarily successful. <BR>My H and I have been together 26 years too. I've been thinking about how DR. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us.What was your M like before the A?<BR>My H and I were spending less and less time together and I basically put NO demands on him. I let him do as he always pleased. I know I can't control him, only me so I'm trying to carry on with my life as much as possible but I don't know what to do about WH's unannounced visits.<BR>Stay strong!<BR>There has to be an end in all this for us somewhere.

I told My H, after 3 weeks of separation, that I was gonna start dating, since he already was. I was taking off my wedding ring and moving on. I MEANT IT.<BR>That was Dday about 1 hour later and he came home that day. It han't been exactly smooth sailing nut it is 14 months later and we are having a good recovery.<P>Can't speak for anyone else, it's just what happened to me and I didn't know I was throwing down a gauntlet BUt he knew He would completely LOSE me, if I saw other men. Funny, he could have this sleazy A but the thought of me having fun with another man made him crazy.

Lizzle I'm sorry but your H is having his cake and eating it too. So is mine. I've also come to realize actually I've known this guess I just didn't want to admit it that I am allowing him to behave this way. I have not followed through on anything I've said. I am trying to have little contact with him. by allowing him to come over whenever he wants and trying to meet his needs he has it better than when he lived here. I ask myself why would he come home. I know I need to stop enabling this behavior. Good luck to you. <BR>C

One of the things I see most often here is this exact issue...WS either coming home to early after Plan B starts, or coming and going as they please. The idea of "Tough Love" has been around for wayward teens for a long time for two reasons...it works, and it allows the parents not to lose the love they have left for their kids. One commonality of the BS that have *thrown down the gauntlet* here at MB, is that they have gotten answers and results, when they have not waffled from their stance. The ones that do waffle find themselves backpedaling, restarting, asking more questions and being generally frustrated with two, three, or more D-days. I keep hearing that BS will know when "enough is enough", but I wonder sometimes if some contact, even negative is better in their minds than truly having no contact. And so, they let their guard down, "hoping" that this is the time the WS has seen the light, when in fact, they are just getting better at getting by with things. To me, lizzle, it sounds as though your H will not commit to either of you because he will not be responsible for the decision to either end with you or OW. He doesnt want to feel the guilt that goes along with hurting someone. It also means that he has to claim responsibility for the A, and I doubt he handles that well either. IMO, either you or OW will have to be the one to make a decision and move on, because I doubt that he wants to, can, or will. <P> I wish you the best of luck!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart