Warning: I think this may turn into a self-pity post, but I'm feeling so bad and lonely right now and need some support and validation of my feelings. I'm in the midst of a big melt down and am finding it hard to cope right now. Before you ask, I do see a therapist weekly. But that hour isn't enough, and it doesn't provide the kind of emotional support I need. H is living at home with me, but has daily contact with OW.<P>I'm pretty good with avoiding LBs, the big exception is when it comes to saying negative things about OW. I really try to avoid participating in any conversations about her, basically by not responding to anything H says about her. But sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut. The trigger seems to be anytime he talks about her as the poor victim. Last time it happened because he was telling me how sad she was because she didn't go a family function because they told her she couldn't bring my H. Poor OW he says, victimized again by her family. So I started in about how she ended up in that position because of her own actions and choices, she's not a victim, and she's getting her own sick psychological payoff by playing the victim role. Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut and changed the subject like I usually do? Why, why, why, why?<P>But this episode made me realize that part of my problem is that I'm the one all alone and out in the cold in this. I've got nobody defending and loving me unconditionally. No emotional support whatsoever. I've got no friends to talk to, no one to vent my feelings about OW to, and I don't want to tell my family about H's A. H and OW are supporting and feeding off of each other 100%. H is defending OW the way a man should be defending his W. <P>I wish I had someone telling me that everything is going to be alright, yes your H has acted very badly towards you, yes OW is a bad person, you don't deserve to be treated this way, it's not all your fault (like H says it is).<P>Thank you for listening to me.

Hi SilverRose:<P>It's not self pity at all. You have been betrayed & your H continues to rub it in your face.<P>If he still has contact with the OW then he should not be living with you.<P>If he isn't in a EA or PA with the OW then he needs to sign a no contact letter asap.<P>I'll use the term used her often "doormat".<P>Don't be one! We can all say it, because we have all been one.<P>What is the history of your relationship?<BR>D-Day etc.<P>Read read read...it helps.<P>It isn't easy & it's amazing how terrible these WS make us feel.<P>I'm here for you.<P>Lisa

Silverrose--<P>You are NOT alone! I am here willing to listen. email me.....<P>You just need someone to talk to---reason with, be there to just listen. I understand, was on the phone for hours at a time with friends---anyone who would listen. I felt that I was drowning, and needed someone there to help--throw me a life preserver. <P>You are not alone! Email me if you want!<P>Hugs to you!<P>Krystal<p>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: Faith n Him ]

SilverRose,<BR>No wonder you feel so alone and defenseless -you won't even defend yourself. It's time you stepped up to the plate and started setting some boundaries here and began to protect yourself from this onslaught of cruelty. <P>First off, your marriage is not in recovery. And you know it. Your H is busy pursuing an affair - with nary a peep from you [you don't want to "LB"]. As long as he is still in contact with the OW there is no hope. You need to make that your first boundary, along with the No contact letter as louser suggested. <P>The bottom line is that all of your efforts at Plan A are for naught as long as he is still talking to the OW and as long as he has NO WILLINGNESS to work on your marriage and end the affair. If none of this works, then you need to quickly move into Plan B, because as it is now, your H has no motivation whatsoever to change and if this continues you will lose any love that you ever had for him, not to mention ALL of your self respect.<P>Just remember this, SilverRose, Plan A is NOT an excuse to be a doormat nor is it to be used to avoid hard decisions and conflict. Please start protecting yourself! {{{{{{{{{{SILVERROSE}}}}}}}}}}}}}

SilverRose,<BR>Having a bad day?? It's so hard not to isn't it? Especially with the A rubbed right in your face everyday. Draining.<P>You have to keep plan Aing, and part of that plan A is going to be not LB'ing, which means not saying nasty things about OW. Believe me I know how hard that is. Listen to this:<P>During the A, OW called me, asking ME if he had stayed the night, asking ME if we were talking about getting back together, asking ME if we slept together. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to rip her head off, right thru the phone. You know what I did? I was nice to her, I just told her nicely that I still loved him, that I wasn't going to stop, that I thought we had something very special together and that it would all work out in the end. I told her that I thought she should ask him about us sleeping together. Know what happened? She calls him up LB'ing all over the place. He was pissed-at her!! Then the next day after he calmed down he says to me, she has feelings too you know. Know what I wanted to say. . .what the f about mine!!! GRRRR! Know what I said? I know she does, that's why I wasn't mean to her on the phone.<P>Do you see what I mean? Everything about that whole situation had her looking like a piece of crap. . . and me shining. Make sense? It wasn't easy, but it worked. My whole thought process and attitude has changed b/c of this. And I know it's very, very painful, but it will get better. With or without your H, hopefully with.<P>Take care.

Thank you all for the support and hugs. This is the only place I can talk about this, so it helps a lot.<P>louser - You are right. The term doormat does apply to me. I know I deserve better, and at least recognizing that is progress for me, but haven't managed to take a firm stand. I keep thinking that as long as he's living at home, I have a better chance of keeping the M. I don't have the courage to cast him out and wait to see if he comes back -- I'm too afraid that he won't. WH has daily contact with OW. If he doesn't see her in person, it's by cell phone or e-mail. The history of our relationship is that we are married 25 years. D-day was in June 2001. He actually filed D-papers and moved into an apt. with OW on D-day. He lived there only for one week. During that time we talked quite a bit and he ended up coming home. He did not come home with a committment to the M and a promise to dump OW, however. So it's been about 4 months now, that he's been trying to decide if he can fall back in love with me and live without OW. I'm hoping he sees more of value at home other than just the meal and laundry service, and that is why he is still here. But I really do feel like a doormat cooking dinner for him, knowing he's spending time with OW while I'm doing that.<P>FnH - Thank you so much for understanding my need to talk about it, and have someone try to help make sense of it all and reason through it. The biggest thing that I keep trying to reason through and rationalize and keep coming back to and makes me have hope, is why did he come back after one week and after setting things up in such a final way (moving out and filing papers). If he was that sure the M was dead, why the fast turnaround? If he was so sure, he would have stayed gone.<P>ML - I am under no illusion that we are in recovery just because he is living at home. He has made no committment to the M, although is working on it to some extent (he won't go to counseling with me). I don't think the Plan A is totally for naught, he's got to have seen enough positive changes to stick around. Although I'm finding that for every hoop I jump through, there's another one to take its place. Sometimes I do feel like I'm getting to the point of losing love for him, and I know for sure that I am losing self respect.<P>bitsy - Unfortunately, OW is much better at this than I am. OW does a fabulous act where she has convinced WH that she (yes, she being OW) really cares about me and wants me to be happy and not be hurt. She prays for me. Probably prays that I get hit by a bus. WH thinks she is such a good person, a much better person than I am.