Hello All<P>I've just joined up, so sorry for this post if it's long. I have been with W for 17 yrs, and married for 14. I found out Sep14th 2001 that W was having an affair with a co-worker. This followed 13 months of being treated with varying degrees of contempt and neglect by her. Sex stopped on Aug 8 2000. W has been in A with OM since Sep 2000. I know this from her telephone accounts. Over this 13 mths, I have tried endlessly to get her to discuss our problems. We had counselling (at my request) in Jan 01, but she was totally unresponsive (even aggressive) during these sessions, so we broke it off. I tried reason, I tried cajoling, I tried threats...nothing worked. We resumed with another counsellor in July 01. During these sessions I was accused of being a poor listener over the years. OK, I can admit to that and with me that's EASY to fix, and I have been accused of not being there for her during post-partum depression. Generally speaking, that is not true. W has also been suffering from depression for (at least) 12 months...never told me...never asked me...never communicated to me what she might be feeling. Now, I have found out about the A with OM, and she has moved out (I helped her shift her stuff)into an apartment. To find her self. W assures me that the A with OM is over, but she still works with him, for another 2 months or so. I have found that their A was sexual after accessing some docs on her laptop. I have seen OM, and waved the docs in front of him (I can do damage to him professionally with these), and he has agreed to leave W alone. So much for his expressions of eternal love to W! At the moment I am hurting so bad, I feel like I'll just burst. I have read most of the infidelity articles and the plans A&B on this site. It has helped enormously, but I find it sooo hard not to be nasty with W when I see her. I have to see her as we have equal time with our 8yo son. I want to build our M with her, but she won't apologise or commit to our M of her own free will. Is this fog? Am I being too jumpy? Am I expecting too much too soon? Anyway, sorry for the length of this post.

Snert<BR>Love your ways to relive stress!<P>Anyways,first of all, don't expect an apology from your W for a long time., if ever. <BR>The way I look at it, if I ever got an apology it would be a bonus. I do expect him to someday show me he's sorry through his actions.That, to me, is more important than words.<BR>Wayward spouses always accuse the BS's of all kinds of things. This makes it easier to justify their actions.<BR>Are you sure the A is over?<BR>I would think you would probably want to do a good strong plan A right now, and then a plan B (if it becomes necessary and she's still in the A). If the A is over she may be going through withdrawl and need your plan A.<P>You must NOT be nasty to your W if you want to save your marriage. Have you read about love busting? This is very important.<BR>If you really need to vent -do it here. That's what we're here for-<BR>and keep reading.<BR>BTW-so sorry for your pain.<BR>-And welcome. It's nice to have you here!

Snert,<BR>your glorious sense of humor will help carry you through. Don't lose it! Maezy has some good advice for you and I have nothing to add but support and prayers. I know how hard this is. BTW, yes, it does dound like the Fog. <P>Peace, <BR>Snow

(((Snert))) Hugs to you. We've all been hurting just as you are. Have you read Surviving an Affair? It will help you tremendously. There are a lot of good articles here, which you've read, but the book is something you can refer back to often. Your W sounds most definitely like she is in the fog. What the others have said is true, though. If you truly want to recover your marriage someday, the nastiness has to be saved for this website! Be as nice as you can to your W. You want her to KNOW that you love her. Post and read here. Vent as much as you want to, we've all been there. My prayers go out to you.<P>MOM

Hallo again<BR>Thanks all for your support and advice. I guess that I know deep down that the claws have to be pulled back when it comes to the way I speak with W. I am a rational hooman been after all , but the thought of her being naked with this ghastly maggot just seems to tip me over the edge. However, I shall do my level best. I am seeing her tonight, and I can say that our last conversation was nastiness free. I will do this again tonight for the sake of our son, and for the sake of my dignity. BTW, I read the posts about losing weight. *Sigh*...I thought I was just becoming a natural chick magnet again. (*Gawd*) Oh well!! Again, thank you all for your kind thoughts and advice...I am far from done yet. *grin*

IMO, avoiding LBing is the HARDEST part of becoming a better you. I had a heck of a time with it (and still am... although I have learned a LOT from here). I definitely give this board (and obviously the people on it) most of the credit for getting me through my H's A's.<P>I can honestly say, that from my situation, my H and I were starting on the road to recovery once I was finally able to control my major LBing (and vent it on here instead.. hehee.. gotta love this place for that!).<P>You're aware that that is the place for you to do some major work on. As Maezy suggests, read up on Love Busters. Consider that information to be your guide to your best chance at recovery. Once you've got the gist of it in your control, then you can work more on other things.<P>Karen