To those that are not familar with my story. My D/D with WS was 01/17/01. She is 49 & she confessed to PA's with two guys aged 32 & 36 that began on 07-20-00. Trust me when I say it is a very lustful story with way to many details floating in my feable mind!<BR>For those that are familar with my story you know that given her history I have major struggles with her "Look." I want everyone to know that I am working really hard to not obcess & to turn this over to a higher power. I want to thank the many people here that have repsonded to my posts & offered their support.<BR>I was visiting with my best friend who knows most all of the horrid details & he has been a good friend of my W as well. He, his W & we socialize together a good bit. We have known each other for over 14 years. He is helping me come to grips with the fact that ultimately I cannot control how my W dresses or behaves. If she is going to change, it has to be her decsion. The more I complain or try to lay down constrants, the more she feels "trapped" & contristed. I am trying hard to focus on me! <BR>Here is what at the time did not necessarily seem humorus, but I thought sharing this would give you a perspective from someone elses eyes & I am now seeing it as a humorus way of describing my W's look. In terms of attracting attention from guys, my friends said: "She was attractive to begin with, but now she is like a FLASHING BILLBOARD!"<BR> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <BR>HOW IS THAT FOR A WORD PICTURE!<P>Anyway, I want you to know that I am progressing through these difficult feelings & I am not raging on my W about how she dresses & this "Look" thing!<BR>She knows how I feel, but I say nothing. She will occasionally bring up things & reference to other people to jusytify that her look is in good taste and the focus is fashion, not provcative. I say OK, whatever?! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Love & Prayers to all,<BR>HH<BR> <P>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<P>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]

One day, she is going to catch herself in that mirror and get the revelation. Hang in there HH! I'm pullin' for you guys!

BINthereDUNthat,<BR>Thanks for your continued support & prayers!<BR>There seemed to be a small break through last night in fact. She was asking about my support group & I did not specifically indentify it by name, only that it was for ME & my recovery. She asked if there was a support group for her. She said perhaps AA.<BR>I said I believe that most all 12 step programs are very similar: eating disorders, gamblers anoyomous as examples. I was careful not to mention the SA thing for fear it would be too direct & cause her to withdrawal, but I am 90% certain that she understands -- It's that big blue elephant in the room that we're not talking about. I'm thinking I don't want to jump right into this with her, again for fear she may adopt posture of me being too influential or controlling with her. I did mention to her that these things are something the person has to accept as an issue with them.<BR>Regardless of label, she certaintly knows what she has done. Perhaps the fog is begining to lift. I'm still following guidline our C last suggested of where I do not call her during the day ( she is to take more of the initative -- she typically calls at end of day to discuss dinner arrangements. So, still no conversation during the day, so we'll see what the evening brings.<BR>In essense I am back to doing the Plan A thing, which is may be a lot more powerful or meaningful, that what I realised -- Perhaps in my subconcious state of anger & resentment -- Not only for what she did, but for her apparent lack of comittment to any meaningful recovery strategies. <BR>One day at a time!<BR>Love & prayers to you,<BR>HH<P>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]

I am glad you recognise that you can't change her and you have turned this over. I think now you are giving room for God to deal with her individually on this. Without you telling her its wrong she NOW may be able to realize on her own it is wrong. It will take time. Hang in there. You've come a long way baby!!!!