Having a horrible time, why can't this just end. Why do I have to be the one who feels so bad when HE is the one who had the affair? Why doesn't he want my love and forgiveness, why does he just want to cut me out of his life completely? He isn't even being mean, he is being overly nice, but is still cutting me out....I just don't understand why he can't accept my love...<P>I received a check from a project we worked on together (now granted he did alot of the work work- graphic design- but I managed the account and actually landed the job for him). I put 1/3 in my account and 2/3 in his. He comes back with an email that said "what the f**k. you know I need that money." I called and asked what he needed the money for and he replied to pay on the car (he put the downpayment for the new car he had to buy- because he moved out- on the credit card and wants to pay it off) and he needs a futon (for his new apartment). I replied that I am not going to bankroll his moving out. I earned that portion of the money....<P>And then I started crying, told him I had to go. He then emailed and said no, keep the money. I of course wrote him back and said "No, I don't want your pity money, your pity dates, or anything. I will deposit it tomorrow at lunchtime. Finance your new life, I am sorry I held you back. I love you, and I just want you to be happy since I have nmade you miserable for so long. It will be in your account tomorrow." Great huh? And he wrote back that it wasn't pity money, I earned it. Of course why would I let it drop there, I told him that he was being selfish in the relationship, that he had rewritten history to say that he was miserable the whole time...and that that was crap because if he was miserable he wouldn't have married me. I told him he wasn't the man I married or met, that he had no integrity, commitment, and wanted life to be easy and sweet all the time. I told him that I still loved hima nd knew that at his core he was the man I loved, I jsut didn't like the man he was choosing to be at this moment in time. I told him I was commited and loved him, and even though it was hard I was letting him live his life by giving him space and time and not houding him all the time. I reminded him that before we got married we had had deep discussions about people who gave up on marriages too early because divorce was too easy...we had discussed how many marriages that ended in divorce could have been saved and how after a few years and new relationships those who divorcedmany times admit they could have worked things out if they had tried and not just ran to something easier.<P>So basically I just let loose. Not necessarily mean spirited, but definitely honest with my feelings. Probably made him feel guilty which was an LB then. My mother told me (she is a gem in all this by the way) that I was honest and those emotions and feelings had to come out in order for antyhing to heal. She said that it might be a set back right now, but in the end honesty is best. If he loves me he will appreciate my feelings.<P>Oh well, so much for no LB's...even with mom trying to make me feel better, I still feel so bad. I just don't understand his need to just up and quit. No warning, no working, just running away saying there is no chance, he has no "connection," he has never been happy, etc. Maybe he is thinking with his penis only, I don't know, doesn't seem like that...I just don't know what to do anymore, the techniques don't seem to be working at all.........<P>Thanks for the support, I needed that pity party [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hugs BJoanne...<P>I know how hard this is...your post sounds so like my posts as StrongerInCali in May and June...IT SUCKS ROCKS!!!<P>What you did was a pebble in the whole scheme of things...we all let loose now and again...and as your mom said, you probably said some things that needed to be said...<P>only next time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]...have it planned out in a non-LB way...<P>Do something nice for yourself...today....and tomorrow and the next...remember focus on YOU not on THEM!<P>Cali

sounds like you stated the facts to him. nothing wrong with that. once it sinks into his skull he will understand.<P>i agree with justplaincali on not lb'ing. but believe me i (we) understand how hard that is to do. post a vent here instead.<P>remember to take care of yourself you've earned it!

Maybe not too productive, but I went out tonight with two of my friends for a "book club" meeting. Just had two drinks, but that is perfect for me and my meds (serzone doesn't love too much alcohol makes me sleepy, two is perfect). I feel a little better about it all, he wrote me an email (I apologized for lighting in on him) that said thank you for the apology, he was just taken by surprise because we hadn't discussed it before that I would keep some of the money. True, however, he needs to feel what it is like to be blindsided sometime (that is evil me talking [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I feel evil that she is on IM, but I WON'T talk to her, don't worry [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He is probably at her house (with her kids)...idiot, but hey, his life to ruin I guess. Send evil thoughts to "Moodygal" (no IMing ok, but it is better to send evil thoughts when you know her evil code [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Thanks for all your support all! Someday I will get through this, one day at a time until then right?

Dear bjoane,<BR>Try to calm down & relax. I know that is easier said then done but things will work out and you must take care of yourself. I would start out by not being so apologetic to him because when you really think about it; what have you done that requires an apology? You managed the account and deserve the money. You tried to communicate with him. <BR>It's hard in the beginning because when you are in a situation like yours, we always ask ourselves why? We want to know what is wrong and sometimes blame ourselves. <BR> This is something to try as it works for me. Take a notepad and on one side write good and on the other side write bad, draw a line down the center. take your time and be very honest. Now write the good points of your situation on the good side and the bad on the bad side. This will give you a starting point to begin to analyze your situation. It's simple to the point and works. Sometimes the answer is right in front of us and we do not see it. Good luck and god bless!<p>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]

Hi Bj,<P>Yep, someday it will get better. Until then, you have us. What a bunch. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Vent her my dear, we will support you. <P>Your H reacted as if you were taking his last cent. The good point is that he was able to regain some sanity and respond to you. Small victory but count it. These little steps hlep a BS during these turbulent times. <P>Remember when he is feeling apologetic to you, that is when the OW feels threatened. That's ok, you didn't do anything. Who knows what LB she is doing as a result. Hm...... <P>Glad you were able to relax a bit. Sometimes, it is a matter of how we view it. Is the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? <P>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BJoanne:<BR><STRONG> He comes back with an email that said "what the f**k. you know I need that money." </STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I heard that line far too many times too. Only H was having his own pity party based on child support payments!! And I can assure you, it wasn't much of anything he was paying out ($50 a paycheque!!). <P>Maybe they think there's some kind of principle behind it? Hmmm... let's see... you decided that you deserved 1/3 of the money based on your effort in the project. I decided on my amount based on some figures I got from a lawyer.<P>But, oh that's right! Logic isn't allowed at this time on their parts! Humph!! <P>Keep strong girl. You did great. I wouldn't worry about whatever LBing you did so long as you are able to learn from your mistakes, and not let the same thing happen again. Your H will get over it in time. You should get over it sooner. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Karen