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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 212
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All,<P>I talked to my WS today and ask her how she and the kids were and I couldn't call back until we moved the rig which will be time for me to come home anyway.<P>She started questioning me about if I had someone else. I was shocked! I told her that I couldn't handle her what would I do with another woman? Then I got serious and said of course not! Anyway she persisted and I ask her why she kept asking me. (guilt or what?) Is she trying to make me say yes so she can feel deserving to leave?<P>Then she ask me if I was going to file for a divorce. I told her no, that I wasn't ready for that and she flew off the handle. <BR>She told me that she had to do everything and she was going to file in the morning. <BR>I was real nice and tryed to talk her out of it but she is pretty sure of herself. <P>Next she told me that she was moving about 50 miles south of where we live now. <BR>This floored me! Now I am shaking and can't stop. I need to sleep but I can't do that either. I am scared to death for my children. They have always attended to this school and always lived in this town. <BR>A divorce and moving? That would be a very hard blow for my children. For that matter it would be bad on me too. <BR>I just don't know what to do now. I feel so helpless and hopeless.<P>Help!!!!!!!!<P>RN
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Joined: Jul 2001
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Hey RN--<P>Take a deep breath...many a WS have 'threatened' to file and not follow through...many have threatened to move...etc. Sometimes it is darkest before the dawn...<P>Funny Q she asked, eh? In Aug. I went on a weekend conference, when I returned H & I were in the MIDDLE of SF (YEP) when he asked if I had done 'it' with anyone that weekend...all I could do was laugh and say "only in my dreams..." Where does Q come from? I think you're not far off the mark...WS wants us to 'share' in the guilt...sometimes I think he wanted to 'push' me into being the 'bad' guy...<P>My choice...I quit playing victim but, wouldn't be 'bad' guy either...<P>You don't have to be either...take a breath and see what the morning brings...don't buy trouble.<P>Cali
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi RN,<P>Sorry you are in such pain. You definitely spoiled your W's plans and she sounds like she wnats to hurt you more. <P>Now you can react with her or with more sense. This is the rollercoaster ride you hear about. <P>Since you are both apart, ask her to please spell it all out, the D, the move, the how to break it to the kids and how she plans to help them adjust. In other words force her to deal with it in a logical way. Mind you she may not be able to but ask anyway. You want her to use her gray cells, start her brain working. This A stuff makes mush of their brain which is why there is no logic. <P>Give her that time to put it together. She is accusing you of making her do it all, then let her. Ws in my side wanted a D and I said, ok go ahead. I did the D walk through the courhouse, went to see a lawyer and even checked into doing it myself. I knew what I would have to do, then I stepped back and told H to go ahead. Oh boy, the OW jumped at that chance, she got all the web sites ready for the WS to check out, told him it could be done in 2 months and they would be married in 3. Poor thing, OW even talked about planning their wedding. <P>That piece about actually doing the D was an eye opener that I did not count on. The more H was forced to be logical and plan for his future the more he wanted out of the A. <P>No guarantees, but it may help. See if you can setup a phone counseling session with Steve. It has been said that when the WS is the W, sometimes a different set of circumstances befall the BS than others. But you will always have the support here. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.
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Joined: Sep 2001
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JustPlainCali and Orchid,<P>Thank you for the comfort tonight! I have had one of those days today and I really needed that.(I think you both know what I mean about one of those days) I wish, for just one day, that she could be in my shoes and see what I see and feel what I feel. I really don't think she knows how much this hurts me. Or do you think that WS's at this point are oblivious to this?<P><BR>RN
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Joined: Jun 2001
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Roughneck,<BR>so sorry to hear about your situation. Hang in there and try to get some sleep tonight. Take tomorrow when it comes. <P>A lot of this stuff won't happen for awhile--so don't worry about it until you have too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]!!<P>You will be in my prayers. Pat
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Well RN,<P>They don't call it the fog because they have such clear thinking. Nope they don't see your pain. What they do see, they try to erase. Otherwise you spoil their excitement. <P>Like saying I am happy with a sad face. How many people can you convince? That is how the WS and OP go through their day, but they pretend to be happy because that's all they can do. How long they can keep up this charade it left to be seen. Yet their lives and the lives of those they touch are full of misery. So really can they be happy? Only if you are happy with your head in the sand and your buttocks sticking straight out. <P>Read up on plan B, talk with Steve and implement when you are ready. Sometimes writing things out may help. Post here as much as you need. <P>Take Care.
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Joined: Oct 2001
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RN, I can't improve on or even add significantly to the advice you've gotten allready. There is some damned wise people around here! All I can do is offer my support and empathy. You'll be in my thoughts today.
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I would suggest checking on the custody laws in your area.<P>In mine, if you end up with joint custody, you can include a provision that does not allow either spouse to move out of the area -- its not in the best interest of the child.<P>Keep it in mind in case you need it.
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Roughneck:<P>Please act quickly to get legal advice about custody of your children and your state's rules about separation.<P>Because my son was in a state of shock when his W filed a surprise divorce petition, she was able to trick him into not bringing his lawyer to the temporary hearing by saying no lawyers would be there. Ha! She, of course, brought hers, and they skewed the rulings her way. She was able to take their son to another state, leaving my son behind broken hearted and devastated.<P>You may be able to prevent W from leaving the area with the children if you act quickly. Don't believe anything she says right now. You need to do what you can to protect the kids and keep them close.<P>Even if she does leave, all is not lost. She will likely figure out that she made a mistake and begin to reconsider her actions as has my DIL. It took 6 months. In my son's case, WDIL moved to be closer to OM. We just didn't know it until later.<P>You may also be able to get a restraining order that keeps OM out of the children's house while you are still married if that becomes an issue.<P>Please have courage. Don't panic. It will take a long time for the situation to play out. Apply plan A. Try to avoid LBs which I know is so very hard. But first, PROTECT yourself legally. Find the family law specialist who gets the best recommendations. You should interview several before you make your choice. Regardless of what eventually happens in your M, competent legal advice is crucial.<P>I know how panicky you are feeling. My S felt the same way. Your entire life framework is shifting, and it's terrifying. But, please have hope and keep posting.<P>Estes<P>PS: My DIL filed for D on grounds of irreconcilable differences. My S counter sued on grounds of adultery. (D is now on hold.) Don't let W pressure you to file. This is her doing. Don't let her get you to do the dirty work. Sit back, plan A, get a lawyer, and try to be calm.
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All, <P>Thank you for your replies and your support. I finally got to bed about 9 this morning and slept to 3! I feel so much better. <BR>I know what part of my problem is! It came to me as soon as I woke up! We aren't doing very much on the rig right now as far as I am involved and I have had TO much time on my hands to think about nothing but my situation. So, I took a good hot shower and got dressed and went straight to the gym. The infidelity diet has got me trimmed down pretty good so I figured I would help myself out a little. <BR>I have had tons of things that I could be doing but I have chose to sit here like a slug and wallow in my emotions. I know that I need to feel them but not every minute of the day! <BR>I sorted through my feelings last night and I figured out with the job that I have, I can live anywhere I want to! I guess I was worrying about all of this and wasn't realizing that I do have a choice! As much as I hate the idea, I would move anywhere to be close to my kids. I just hate that my kids might have to change schools. But I can be there if they need me. That has easied my mind a bit. I still feel hurt but I can do something about it! <P>I guess when life hands you lemons you make lemonade! I have to keep changing the way I think if I am to get through all of this so I can be there if my children need me. <P><BR>Thanks for all of your support and prayers!<P>RN
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Hi RN,<P> Hang in there buddy. Things will get better one way or another. Everyone has given you good advice, so I won't try to add to it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img].<P> Praying for you bro.<P> jd
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Estes49:<BR><STRONG>Please act quickly to get legal advice about custody of your children and your state's rules about separation.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree with this 100%. I'd agree 110% but I've always thought that was silly ;-))<P>Not filing is not the same as not seeing an attorney. Have a plan. Know the risks. Work from knowledge (something novel at this moment - BTDT).<P>Bob
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Roughneck, You are doing fine...and I agree with the "protect yourself" advice..but I think not just legally, that is Plan B,self protection, in all ways.<P>And MOVE around!! It is so good for you...My H and I were separated 3 weeks, the first 2 I had no idea there even was an OW. I took up rollerblading, something I had always wanted to try..I lost 20 lbs in 3 weeks...My D works at a restaurant and would call and bully me into getting down there to talk to people and get out of the house.<P>And the last week of the separation, when the OW became an ugly reality,he told me it was strictly an EA,it wasn't,I SHOULD have known but didn't want to.And I began to plan my OWN future. I decided I would move to NYC, my favorite place in the world.(Yeah I know, Crazy!).But i meant it, I began to see this as an opportunity to do all the things I wanted to do that I had surpressed to live my life with my H. Rather have my life,but given no choice, I chose ME. Our kids are grown,no real ties other than the job.I began to realize that he didn't give a da*m about me and that I had to put my own needs first, for the first time in 27 yrs. And I told him so on a Sunday.<P>He confessed about an hour later and begged to come home. That was 14 months ago.We are doing well.
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