Dear Dr. Harley,<P>I have found your books very encouraging and helpful. I am beginning to wonder, though, if your principles will apply to me and my marriage. I have never heard my situation discussed in any of your writings.<P>I have been married for 16 years now and have 6 beautiful children. I never suspected my husband of infidelity, perhaps I was too busy with the children. He told me six months ago about a friend he made on the internet, a gay young man. A few weeks later, he told me that he had been having sexual relationships with men off and on for the last 15 years. I was shocked and horrified. I insisted we both have HIV testing. My husband is not remorseful for his behavior, though he knows he has hurt me and is sorry for that. He knows I want him to not engage in that sort of behavior anymore, but he says he can't guarantee that he won't. He says he can't even promise me he would tell me if he did. He maintains that he has not engaged in that type of behavior for the last 3 months, but I know that he continues internet relationships with other gay men. I have confronted him about this and he lies to me. He has several email addresses. He basically has a secret, second life. On top of all this, he works far away from home and leaves me alone with the children for two weeks at a time, coming home every other weekend. I must look the complete fool. I think he is a wonderfully talented and accomplished man in his career. He is a thoughtful person in general. He is verbally abusive to me and the children when he is home. He has extremely strong defenses about his problems and insists I cannot solve his problems. He doesn't seem to realize that they affect me as well. I feel all the feelings of a woman who has been dealt the blow of her husband's infidelities, but I have found no direct reference to my particular situation. Can I apply your principles equally to my situation? Do you have any experience with couples facing this problem? I want to do whatever I can to make my marriage work. I am committed to it completely, but I need to know if this is a hopeless case. I would appreciate any guidance you can offer me.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Asgoodasitgets

Hi, asgoodasitgets (my favorite movie)<P>I don't think Dr. Harley replys on these boards because of the high demand but you can call for a counseling session 1 (888) 639-1639.<P>These boards are for people in similar situations but we are not trained professionals. keep posting I think you will find encouragement here. Yes, I do think our situations are similar. I think you should read "Love must be tough" by James Dobsen. I am sorry you are here. call for a counseling session though it will be worth it. He does over the phone counseling.

First, I would recommend if you haven't already RUN to your doctor to be tested for AIDS and other STDs. This is not something to be taken lightly or that you can wait and wonder about.<BR>Next, I would offer that while your situation is different than most of the Affair stories posted here, I think you can learn alot about betrayal and trust from this site. However, and I don't mean to squash any hope you may have about your relationship, homosexuality is really a huge thing to deal with and my guess would be that your H has been living a lie for years. Probably why he is short tempered and verbally abusive is the horrible double life he has created. He may "want" to be heterosexual, but he isn't and that creates such a struggle in him that he is deeply depressed and troubled. <BR>I would never tell someone there is no hope. But, I would get counseling for yourself and begin to prepare yourself for life without him as a mom to SIX kids. You have a lot to get ready for.<BR>Good luck

Also, Please do not have unprotected sex with this man. Someone who admits to having homosexual relations off and on for 15 years is highly likely to have engaged in un-safe sex and could easily be HIV positive. Get checked, but still do not have sex with him without a condom. What if neither of you are around for those children??

Welcome AGAIG,<P>I am very sorry for this revelation. It must tear you apart, and confuse you to no end. I can't imagine the grief you must feel.<P>The first thing I want to say is, like Wiffle advised, DO NOT have sex with you H WITH or WITHOUT a condom. IMHO, it is not worth the great risk. Those six precious children need their mother.<P>I don't think I would trust that your H hasn't been with another male in those 3 mos. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your H, but he did say he can't promise you he would tell you if he did it again. And because of what he has said I would have to assume he is still engaging in his behavior. <P>AGAIG, I would give Steve Harley a call and if he doesn't counsel same-sex A, then I'm certain he can point you in the right direction. <P>Again, I'm very sorry for what you must be going thru. Saying prayers for you and your family. <P>Love,<BR>Jo