Please help me with this. My WH wants tells me I need to get through all my "issues" with him (some of which are actually just in his own mind due to his rewriting history to justify his actions, some are valid) before he can recommit to our M. He says if that doesn't happen, how will he know real lasting change has taken place. He thinks that if I don't do that beforehand, and he makes a committment to me, that in a few months I will finally work through all this stuff and realize I don't want to be married to him and then I will divorce him! (Could this be a way of justifying keeping OW around longer, perhaps?)<P>So please tell me, what does it really mean to work through something, get past it, and let it go? How do I know when I've done that? How does it differ from just pushing the feelings deep inside, repressing them, blocking them from ones mind, becoming depressed over them, and harboring resentments?<P>I really think I've worked through most of these so called issues by giving them a lot of honest thought and not hiding any feelings from myself, getting real with myself (as Dr. Phil says), and coming to an understanding of how these problems arose, what my contributions were, and what behavior I need to modify to avoid problems in the future.<P>I have told this to WH. What more does he want from me?

SilverRose,<P>What he wants is an excuse to justify his lack of committment because he is not committed. That is why he weekly comes up with these newly formulated STANDARDS or challenges for you to meet in order to DESERVE to be married to him. <P>Your main "issue" right now is his ongoing affair with the OW and no other "issues" can be addressed until he ends his relationship with her. Tell him when he gets over THAT "issue" you can BOTH start working on your "issues" that effect the marriage.<P>I so wish you would get a counselor to help you sort through his cruel games and help you to defend yourself. Maybe he could help you sort through his head games.

Silver Rose<P>I have to say I agree (mostly) with the other advise given. But I want to add that it could be something completely esle. It could just be his fear talking.<P>It took me a while to realize it, but my H had fears too. He was afraid I could never forgive him, he was afraid he didn't deserve to be here, he was afraid of getting hurt if he tried, etc.<P>It could be something as simple as a reassurance of your love for him that he is looking for. I think you are really in the position to judge best, is he changed, is it really time and it's over, or is this just a road block from the fog? Hard to know, but I bet you have a gut feeling about it.<P>Have you read Surviving An Affair yet? If not you really need to. It has alot more than the web site that wil help you at what sounds like a critical juncture.<P>God bless,<P>Michelle

I'm gonna disagree slightly...in the beginning I focused on OW...made her the 'demon.' <P>It was she that actually got through to me...in a voice message to H she said, tell your W that this is NOT about me...the problems in your marriage were there before me...<P>So that's what I've tried to do...what were his complaints...what did he 'like' about her...and like a good salesman...I tried to take all of his 'excuses' away...once that happened he had to get to his own issues...he couldn't make it about me anymore...and he did try...but it no longer rang true...<P>...then he used the 'well, these changes won't last...' or, he would grab onto the smallest LB I did...but I would call him on it...<P>BTW, I AM NOT SAYING THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!!! I in no way take responsibility for his A...but I will take responsibility for the part I played in the environment of our marriage and I am changing what I KNEW HAD TO BE CHANGED...in my heart I knew some of the things I did 'wrong.' <P>Reading the Harley's Lovebusters book was critical for me....<P>Good luck,<BR>Cali

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MelodyLane:<BR><STRONG><P>I so wish you would get a counselor to help you sort through his cruel games and help you to defend yourself. Maybe he could help you sort through his head games.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually I have been seeing a counselor for awhile now. The interesting thing the C said when I mentioned this was that maybe I need to keep the resentments for now so that if the M ends in D, I have some things to direct my anger at (i.e., that jerk did this and that to me) instead of just blaming myself.

I will only say what happened here after dday.And maybe it will help you.<P>He confessed his 3 weeks long PA that began EA online. But he confessed because I was really moving on with my life..I wasn't gonna wait while he got deeper in with this woman! He confessed as a way out of his own pain, out of feeling trapped. The addiction was still there.For the safety of home.<P>He came home that very day and to this day 14 months later, says he never saw her again. BUT he did continue contact with her for three months after dday.By phone and online. <P>I said for 27 yrs that I would D him on the spot if he had an A. He thought I couldn't do it and he kept her in the background so he wouldn't have to be alone when I kicked him out. AND the other part was because he was still telling himself how much he disliked me and how angry he was at me for making him have an A. AND the other part was she was calling him, crying, and he felt soo badly for hurting her!!!<P>I'm sure there's other stuff, too. It is ALL so multi-layered!! He has his first C appt, about 1 month after dday and came home and told me,very surprised, that he actually DID like me, that he rattled off 9 or 10 things about me he liked when asked by the C. I think he finally realized his own capacity for self-deception.And was shocked!!<P>He did not end contact until he realized that he was WRONG about US.His attitude on coming home was very typical..."Well, I'm here aren't I/ I'm not going anywhere.what ELSE does she want?"<P>Til he accepted responsiblity for his own actions, when he realized his own part in state of our M,pre-A, he wasn't truly back in this house. Neither of us were having our needs met but HE'S the one who had the A!!<P>With all that said, I do agree with much said here. Right now, the A is the issue and it's up to him to end it and recommit.Once that happens you guys work toward recovery,together. Look at what you are risking..your heart and your safety...he wants a safety net. A just in case...it can't happen that way,IMHO. <P>But it takes a very long time to work through it and let it go. I am almost there,not completely because I don't think I will ever be "over" it. And it has been VERY hard on us both. A terrible year...but we are seeing some light. HE has changed more than I have!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ScaredInNY:<BR><STRONG><BR>It took me a while to realize it, but my H had fears too. He was afraid I could never forgive him, he was afraid he didn't deserve to be here, he was afraid of getting hurt if he tried, etc.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you may have something there. I think he is starting to understand (although he will probably never admit it or apologize for it) just how much he hurt me, so he may be afraid that I can't forgive. Recently he said he thought I just wanted to stay married to punish him for doing this to me. I'm trying to learn to read between the lines -- that statement could reflect his fears. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><STRONG>Have you read Surviving An Affair yet? If not you really need to. It has alot more than the web site that wil help you at what sounds like a critical juncture.<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've read all the info on the web site, but haven't gotten any of the books yet. Maybe I should look for them this weekend. This may seem stupid, but I've been hesitating to buy them, thinking why bother if WH hasn't committed to the M yet, and I'm living day to day wondering each day if this is the day he is going to leave again. Sometimes when I write these things out, I realize just how stupid I can be. I should just go buy the books.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SilverRose:<BR><STRONG><BR>Sometimes when I write these things out, I realize just how stupid I can be. I should just go buy the books.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would add if you could afford it, call MB and get Steve or Jennifer to help you out. You still need to understand MB concept, read HNHN, SAA & even G&T so that on your C'ing you speak the same lingo. For the book, you could get it in the library. I found this website & book a bit too late but it is better to catch it up now than later.<P>Good luck to all of us, we need them.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wounded2673:<BR><STRONG><BR>Til he accepted responsiblity for his own actions, when he realized his own part in state of our M,pre-A, he wasn't truly back in this house. Neither of us were having our needs met but HE'S the one who had the A!!<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We are still at a point where WH accepts no responsibility and blames me for everything. I've gotten to where I understand and accept responsibility for my actions and am actively working to improve myself. He may be living at home again, but he's not 100% my H again yet.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SilverRose:<BR><STRONG>what does it really mean to work through something, get past it, and let it go? How do I know when I've done that? How does it differ from just pushing the feelings deep inside, repressing them, blocking them from ones mind, becoming depressed over them, and harboring resentments?<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I still would like to hear from you regarding how you do all of the above. At some point I need to learn to do that to become the better, stronger person that I want to be.<P>I know I am still being pretty wimpy in all this. I have progressed to the point of knowing in my heart that I deserve better than this, but I'm not quite to where I can take a firm stand on it, although I have made it clear what I want (I want our M and I want him to get rid of OW), I do not bring that up over and over.

Up...<P>any other ideas for SilverRose?

^bump^<P>Still looking for some insight on this question ... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Silverrose-<P>I have said it before, and I will say it again. The answer to all your questions is prayer and God!<P>I do NOT believe that a human being can forgive, get over the resentment, etc without giving it all up to God. We have too many "human" instincts---survival, etc, for us to be able to just get over it and move on. <P>I know a lot of people will dismiss this, but I believe with my whole heart it to be true. Only when you really give it up to HIM, will you be free to totally forgive and move on. <P>I hope I have helped a little. I know that this is my opinion, but I am living proof.<P>Hugs to you, and I will say a prayer for you!<P>Krystal

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith n Him:<BR><STRONG><BR>I have said it before, and I will say it again. The answer to all your questions is prayer and God!<P>I do NOT believe that a human being can forgive, get over the resentment, etc without giving it all up to God. We have too many "human" instincts---survival, etc, for us to be able to just get over it and move on. <P>Only when you really give it up to HIM, will you be free to totally forgive and move on. <BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>FnH, Thank you for this advice. I would like to do this, but I could use a little more help on how to do this. It's a little embarassing to have to ask, but I will. How do you give it up to God, and how do you know you have succeeded in doing that?<P>To put this question which may seem so basic to many here in perspective, my current relationship with God is rather new, after having suffered a loss of faith. I think the reason for the loss of faith was that I never developed a strong relationship with God before, and so I am learning how to do it now. God re-entered my life shortly before this whole mess came to light. I think that happened at that time because He knew I would need him to give me strength and guide me through this. Through much prayer, I have received that from Him.<P>Thank you for your prayers, FnH.

Silverose-<P>Not a bad question: How do I give it up to God, and know that I have given it all up to Him?<P>I can tell you how I did it. I (literally) got down on my knees, and asked the Lord to take these bad feelings away from me. I asked Him to show me His will for my life. I thanked Him for the many blessings He has given me. I do this daily!!!! <P>I have a daily devotional (there are many good onew out there), and I read it daily. They are usually uplifting, and usually pertain to the circumstances of the day. <P>I have learned to take the focus off of me, and put the focus on HIM. He promises to give us forgiveness . He says: When you are praying, if you are angry with someone, forgive him so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins. Mark 11:25<P>He also says if you remain in Him and follow His teachings, you can ask anything you want, and it will be given to you. John 15:7<P>He tells us to believe that you have received the things you ask for in prayer, and God WILL give them to you. Mark 11:24<P>You see? If you believe and have faith, God ALWAYS answers prayers. He says to look forward---not back or sideways---look to Him. He ALWAYS keeps his promises!<P>How do you know when you have given it all up to Him? You will know. There will be such a weight lifted off of you. You will NOT feel like a victim anymore, you won't have the worry like you did before.<P>You cannot change your spouse. Sometimes I feel that they cannot even change themsselves, but God can. We only need to believe---<P>I hope I have helped a little. If you need to email me, feel free. I haven't seen myself as an "overly religious" person, but I know what has happened for me---the person I have become, the bad feelings, the desperation, the hurt---they are really gone. Now, don't get me wrong, I still am aware of all I went through, but I believe if I hadn't given this all up to HIM, then I would NOT be able to have a good marriage, anyway!<P>I hope I helped in some small way! <P>Hugs and prayers to you!<P>Krystal<P>krystalhw@aol.com

Thanks FnH, it helps me a lot, and I hope it will help some others on this board too.