There has been many postings lately where the BS is feeling lonely and love-starved. When is this going to end?<P>I know this answer may be different for every couple, but I&#8217;m curious. After WS has made last contact with the OP and come home, how much longer does the BS have to wait for affection?<P>I have been trampled on over and over and am looking forward to seeing a glimmer of hope, but instead continue to get discouraged!<P>Thanks,<BR>Le [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I ended up going 7 mo without ANY kissing let alone intimacy. But some of that was before D-day and a few months after when he kept going back to OW. After all contact FINALLY ended he went thru withdrawal for 2 mo then the intimacy came back GREAT! Patience paid off for me. lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Moving Forward:<BR><STRONG>After WS has made last contact with the OP and come home, how much longer does the BS have to wait for affection?<BR>Le [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For my H it was as soon as he REALLY ended the relationship with the OW (which caused all hell to break loose lol). During our 2 short false recoveries when he came home he was quite withdrawn and not affectionate. When he came home for good he was so happy and excited. Kept hugging me and telling me how it was like getting to come home after being in prison. For my H, once he was truly ready, that was it.

For us contact ended June 1st. WE were really bust getting ready for a 2 month trip to TX, then we left in early July.<P>While in Tx we hadnt seen our family in about 3 years so it drove me flippin nuts not to have his love!!<P>We came home in Aug, and around late August was when I believe he cameout of WD.<P>For us about three months. And to think I poo-poo'd the idea of such a typical timeline. My H has zero clue about this MB lingo, but he sure follows it to a tee!!<P>Dara

Thank you for the replies! I hope to get more because I need to know that there is a light at the end of this mess!<P>Thanks again,<BR>Le

Moving Forward,<BR>I am the WS and for me I had to be over OM before I could feel H's love again. We had a couple of false attempts at getting back together (H and I) but OM was still in picture. Once he was gone, all the love I HAVE for my H came back tenfold. I found it easy to show him the little signs of affection that we both love, holding hands, qhick hugs, touching him as I walk by, etc.. We haven't been intimate for over two years, and it SCARES me, before my A that was already a weak spot for us. But our physical playfulness has returned, which is a good sign. We have talked very little about it, and I feel we are both nervous about it. But we are also taking it slowly and letting nature take its course.<BR>I hope this helped a bit. I realized that I just talked about us... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Weez<BR>"Oh so you dug way, way, deep down in your heart and found the love still there!?!" --my 7 year old after hearing we weren't getting a divorce

Thanks, it's good to hear that there is hope somewhere down the line!

I agree, it is good to hear positive posts.<BR>Thank-you for topic. <P>I can't say we are in recovery but when ever there is a temporary no-contact I can tell a big difference in WH,<BR>even though WH is in the fog. Right now they WH & OW agreed to a 3 month no-contact so I am hopeful. WH is doing little things around home and taking interest, but still does feel like giving affection.

I would still love to hear more success stories! If this is all there is, it's pretty depressing!

Moving...<P>It all depends if the WS is avoiding ALL contact with OP. If no contact is established, its all a matter of time and patience.<P>I wish you the best!<P>Bryan

I just thought i'd give you another perspective. I'm the WS and my H is not giving my any outward affection,since dday which was 5/23 and i've been giving him affection and attention throughout the entire experience, from the onset of the A, which was in 8/99 til 1/00 and well, i think everyone has a difrerent experience and there is no real right answer. I thought i was "in love" with both of them. Each of them gave me something i needed. It wasn't until i totally let go of the OM that i was able to tell my H of the incident. they were our friends and H went back to the states on a business trip and went out for dinner with the couple who pretended all was just fine. OUrs involved 3somes, (every mans dream) and a messy ending. It is very complicated and you can read about it on Just found OUt, but, bottom line is, each person has to take that time to deal with their emotions when they are able. Now i am dealing with my H totally disinterested in kissing me. I crossed the absolute worst line for him. He had told me not to do it, that it was a mistake and d could occur, and on & on, and i still went for it. I was totally rebellious. So, for me, I changed my heart and came out of the fog and began realizing what i had and what i'd lose and well, now i have to be the patient one. I continue to kiss his cheek (that's all he gives me) and i try to touch him daily and say i love you because i do. Thankfully, our sex life is stronger than ever, (no kissing) and i pray to god that we will get closer than we have ever been. I can only say that you should be patient, loving, giving, if you want her, you must show her in every way and treasure each day as a gift.....

Thanks again for the replies. Does anyone else have any time periods that it took for the WS to show affection with enthusiasm after D-day? <P>We are going on 4 months since D-day and 5 weeks since last contact and my WH is still extrememly uncomfortable with giving or receiving affection. He does give some and accept some, but when we talk about it, he says that he is doing it for my benefit and none of it is from the heart. When will it get better? I'm afraid that he is going to get frustrated and leave again!<P>Thanks,<BR>Le

You're gonna hate me but My WH was all over me from dday on..It was me that couldn't stand to touch him!And he was in contact with her for about 3 months after,by phone and E-Mail, never saw her again.<BR> <BR>He confessed, came home and we were in bed half an hour later...I was still in shock but felt later, that I had set the precedent. There were times he made my flesh crawl,in the beginning, when I thought of him and the OW(did they do this,did they do that?).But I steeled myself because SF is very important to him, We always had a pretty good sex life. Affection? Another tale...<BR>When I felt like I wanted to choke or smash his head or,well, you get the drift, I would gently touch him on the shoulder or kiss his cheek. I honestly don't know how I did that.<P>He is more loving and affectionate than he has ever been in our 28 yr.M,we are 14 months from dday. I am a warm person by nature, so it eventually came naturally to me. BUT it was VERY difficult,for me in the beginning.

There was definitely NO affection during my H's A's. I was even ASKING him if I could hug him!!! What an awful time that was [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Strangely enough (?), we were still having sex a few times during our 4 month separation. But as we all know, there's a HUGE difference between sex and affection.<P>The affection started when he decided to try and work things out. The first 3 weeks were touchy (like walking on eggshells all the time). Yet at the same time, there was still some contact with OW#1 (only via phone and email). <P>But once the contact was over with for good, sure enough, as Harley says, he was ready to commit to our M, and even got to the point where he was doing more than I was! (or so I felt).<P>The affection did start once he first came home, but it's increased tenfold (at least!) since then (he's been home for 5 months now).<P>Karen

Success story! I am a WS (finally believing I am truly a recovering Ws! yay!)<P>I felt such burning shame for sharing my body inappropriately. H forgave me instantly. In his case, he was the angriest while I was in the A...he knew but still was in denial somehow-however, our sex life was all but dead. Understandably. <P>H has been incredibly heroic...he has been human and not always perfect but from my read here, I am blessed with an exceptional H. He kept reaching out to me. I needed his affection but couldn't seem to get comfortable with him again on a deeper physical level. Even with the unique privilege of time off together to work on our M.<P>I have noticed a marked improvement especially in the past few weeks when I am back to the pre-a but improved old/new self (huh? I guess still me but better response on my part! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) It improved incrementally over the first few days/months but now is awesome.<P>I thank God for a H who is willing to love me to wellness and whose desire for me has enabled us to enjoy a new and enriched M all round. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hmmm...my perspective is a little different...but the genuine affection seemed to resume about 3-4 months after recovery. It really bothered me the first few months into recovery, then a light went off in my head...I was expecting a loving partner, when in reality..looking back on the state of our relationship...we had barely been friends for a couple years! Yup, if I had to characterize our relationship before Dday it would have been "aquaintences that occasionally had sex". So, that had to change..we had to become friends again. And while I could've spent hours examining our relationship with a microscope..the reality was that it drove him further away...I was way too desperate to "do things by the book." <P>So, by being consistant in non LB'ing and treating him nicely..we were able to reestablish a friendship...after that took hold, the affection and love just sort of slid in there.<P>T

D Day was last November. Contact ended in March. WS returned home in March. We took it slow, I didn't push anything. Last night She invited me for a return to intimacy. It wasn't the best we ever had , but it was the greatest time ever, because of what it represents. I can tell you from experience this stuff works. Be patience and work on yourself. It is possible to reconnect and when you do, you'll find out how fantastic it can be. We still have a way to go, but I never thought this moment would come. Good luck and I hope this helps

Moving Forward,<BR>I&#8217;m sorry to report that in my case I&#8217;m still in limbo. D-day was 20 months ago. My wife&#8217;s Physical Affair ended June 2000 (16 months ago) and her Emotional Affair ended at the end of December 2000 (10 months ago) after she quitted her job. There hasn&#8217;t been any affection from my wife toward me whatsoever (no touching, no hugging, no kissing, and you can guess, no sex) since d-day (May I repeat 20 months ago).<P>I hope your situation will not be like my situation.<P>Good luck on your journey.<P>OOOO

Moving...<P>I started the thread last week about being love-starved in recovery and got some great answers. <P>I guess the biggest thing I am learning is that it takes continued time & patience...that is so hard becuase as a BS, once you get to a point where you and your spouse are back together you kind of want it to be good again soon and you want your hard work and commintment to be acknowledged.<P>When it isn't...it hurts and it brings up a lot of frustration and insecurities.<P>I know there are a lot of times when my W (WS) just doesn't do what I would like and what would mean a lot to me in terms of affection etc. What I try to do is keep my eye on the big picture. We are further along than we were a month ago, two months ago and so on...<P>I think back to some of the days when she couldn't even be in the same room and I think, well...this is better than that. And we are moving forward (to coin a phrase) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>What I am kind of saying is that the BSs work continues...forever it seems like.<P>Just keep your eyes on the prize...and keep on plugging along.<P>Good luck<P>E

Thanks for all the replies! I wish they were all encouraging, but realize that each situation is going to be different. Things have really looked good for us these last 2 days! I'm not sure what has changed. Maybe the fog has lifted a little. I am not going to push anything. He even took me to his new job and introduced me to his boss and others. We moved out of state after the A and he has been reluctant in introducing me to anyone he works with until now. I guess this is a step in the right direction. He still says there has been no contact (since 9/11/01). Today he said that he know that in order for the feelings for the OP to die, he knows that "no contact" is essential. I was estatic to hear him say this! I know the fog will come and go, but today was good and I treasure the good days!<P>Le