Hello to every one and thank you for having this forum! First a little about my situation. I am a male 47 years old, been married for 16 years and have 4 wonderful children. In July this year I found out my W was having an A with a cousin on her side. We have been on a rocky road for the last 7 years and I was willing to leave at times. When I found out we talked about ending our marriage and going our seperate ways. It was at this point that I realized how much I love her and am not willing to give up on our happiness together. After much reading at this site I started plan A and am showing her how much I care for her. She says she is willing to try again. The OM lives 8 hours away from here and she talks to him through e-mail from our home. I have access to this and every time they talk I sink deeper. This is something I feel guilty about. I am cosidering telling her about my checking up on her but don't know if I should. She says she doesn't know if she can fall in love with me again but says she does love me. I in the past have not been a very supportive husband and have shown very little affection towards her. Can anybody offer any help or suggestions??

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by helplesssss:<BR><STRONG>She says she is willing to try again. <BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good you making a progress ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <STRONG> The OM lives 8 hours away from here and she talks to him through e-mail from our home. I have access to this and every time they talk I sink deeper. This is something I feel guilty about. I am cosidering telling her about my checking up on her but don't know if I should.<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You should stop it. It will only hurt you more. Beside it is an LB if she find out. Work more on your self in plan A ... it is working ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><STRONG><BR>She says she doesn't know if she can fall in love with me again but says she does love me. I in the past have not been a very supportive husband and have shown very little affection towards her. Can anybody offer any help or suggestions??</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Patience, patience my friend ... Why MB always sugests about 6 months for plan A ?. It is also for W to see that it is not a trick but lasting change.<P>The fact that OM live far it is your advantage. Ask her to fill in EN or guess it and starts fillin bit by bit. Remember no LB for now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by redhat:<BR><STRONG><P> ... Ask her to fill in EN ... </STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I meant EN questionair ...

Thank You for the quick reply.<BR>OK I will take your advise and clean out all caching software and disable keyboard tracking software. I am pretty sure W is using a computer at another location anyway. It will be a long and lonely winter this year. I do realize that I can not stop her feelings for OM. I can only hope I can take advantage of her not being able to see OM because of the milage involved and start filling her LB. I will be watching and reading this forum with great interest for the next few months. The support here is what keeps me going, that and the love for my wife.

Hello helplesssss (How many "s"es? 5? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img],<P>You have really come to the right place for support. Your willingness to work on your marriage is a great indication that you have every reason to hope. Because you acknowledge that you have not been as supportive as you could have been, start there NOW. Have you read the information on emotional needs (main web site)? Find out what W's emotional needs are and work to meet them. Study the info on plan A. Also, and this is really important, be patient. You are beginning a long process. Educate yourself with info from this site, think positively, and take care of yourself (rest, nutrition, etc.) <P>I will follow your progress.

Hi Help.<P>You are NOT helplesssss..... nor are you hopeles..... Instead, you are here to get the support and help you need. <P>There is much to learn here. I am waiting for a call and may have to leave for work real soon so I don't have a lot of time to post. There is a welcome package we share with those new here and maybe someone can post that thread for you so you can see the tools available here at MB to help you understand what is going on with your W, how to help you, her and your family get through all this mess. <P>If you don't get it tonight, I can try to get it to you tomorrow. In the meantime, if you get a chance see Freddy's post. He gives some insight to what goes on in the WS's (wayward spouses') mind. Kind of a confusing eye opener but something we all need to be aware of. <P>Take Care you are not alone in this struggle. <P>L.

Hi there helplesssss.<BR>Good for you that you found this site. Welcome.<P>You write that your spouse is willing to work on the marriage. I think you need to go back to her on that point and maybe acquaint her with this website as well.<BR>If she is willing to work on the marriage, then she will have to understand that she must breal ALL contact with OM. You must try to be there for her, without LBing, throughout her withdrawal stage. <P>Saying a prayer for you.

helplessssss,<P>First, don't feel helpless, there is lots of help out there. Second since you have realized that you haven't been the supportive and affectionate husband you should have been, there is hope. I too was the WS and found the man of my dreams over the internet. Or so I thought. My H was lacking in meeting almost all my needs. <BR>We both didn't realize that at the time. I just knew how unhappy I was and he didn't see anything wrong. I was meeting his needs and didn't even know it. <BR>Once the A was brought out in the open, my H went and talked with our pastor. Our pastor gave him this book that he used and read over and over until he understood and got it right. So find this book and see if it will help you out. It's called<BR>"Winning Your Wife Back before it's too late"<BR>By Gary Smalley.<P>I too thought I would never be "in love" with my H again, but I did love him. Well, after much concentrated effort on his part.<BR>I saw he was changing and that he loved me more than anyone else could. I decided to give it a whole hearted try. Now I do love my H and am learning to love him more and more. As the OM's memory fades, it becomes easier to love my H. so don't give up.<BR>Just take this winter to work on yourself.<BR>Become the loving man that she needs. Know that you have done everything you can to make your marriage work.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Debbie

Wow!! it is amazing that so many smart people are at this forum and if our marriage is saved it will be because of everybody here. <BR>My W and I have had some great open and honest conversations since I last posted. We talked about OM and some expectations of what she wanted. My interpretation of the conversation was that the OM was there when she needed comforting and I was was not. She was right! She also does recognize the fact that she can not marry the OM because they are cousins. This makes me think that she is very vulnerable to another A if I don't make plan A work. I have printed out two copies of the EN questionnaire and put a copy on each of our pillows and we went over them last night but have not filled them in yet. She asked over what time frame should she fill it in for, the last sixteen years? I said I already knew what the answers were for the last sixteen years and that I would have a better understanding if she were to use the last three weeks instead (when I started plan A). I also told here that I had no intention of going back to the way it was before. We then made love that night and twice the next day before being interrupted by the kids. It was the closest I have ever felt to my W. She will still not break all contact with OM but she says she likes the changes that I have made and is a little skeptical over how long it will last. I have also suggested to her that if she was to continue e-mailing OM to please use a internet cafe so I did not have access to it.<BR> Thank You all!!<BR>Helplessss<BR>---------------------------------------------<P> Happiness is not a goal to be reached but a means of travel.<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: helplesssss ]

helplesssss,<BR>Get SAA book and follow it to the detail specially how A should end and how to bullet prove your marriage (Love Busters). You make us look like the one that is helplesssss. And you save your own M, we are here to support each other. Keep your posting around on any improvement and this kind of posting (success story) will help other to understand there is hope it just that you have to work on it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hadi