I found out about a year ago about my husbands affair and then he told me it was over.<BR>Well, it Isn't. I know this<BR>woman and called her. She said my husband has been promising her this past year he was<BR> leaving me. But, I had hurt my leg, had surgery, and now I have broken my arm so he told<BR> her I was helpless and couldn't leave.<BR> I'm not helpless. But why didn't he leave in between the times I was hurt. He didn't want<BR> to really leave? He told me that his affair had gotten out of hand, but he didn't break it off<BR> because he didn't want to hurt her. They have known each other all of their lives.<BR> He is 50 and she is 47. When I found out the affair was still going on I told him to just<BR> leave several times and then he would cry and say he didn't try to hurt me and I'd forget<BR> about it for a few days and he would stay. Sunday I blew up in a rage because he promised<BR> me he would tell her it was over, but didn't.I did everything wrong screaming and yelling<BR> and he said nothing.The next morning he just left and went straight to her. He called me<BR> yesterday and said not to worry he is fine and everything is going to be ok. He just needed<BR> 3 or 4 days to sort things out and he will call me tomorrow. It'a been four days and I haven't heard from him. Of course, he is<BR> fine he is with her and how is he going to sort anything out while he is with her. Was he waiting for me to throw him out so he wouldn't look like the bad guy? I have<BR> been nuts. I went to the doctor this morning and he gave me something to get some sleep<BR> and I can't eat.I know I'm crazy, but I want him back. I don't know what to say if he calls, I<BR> don't know if I want to talk to him right now. We have only been married 14 months. This<BR> affair started right after we were married. Steve is very good looking and had plenty of<BR> women. Married twice. He promised me we would be together forever, no more women, he<BR> was getting just to old for it.<BR> I believed him. Steve also is not well. The doctors gave him a year to live, but he has<BR> passed that. We have been together four years. The first year was hell with all the<BR> kemotherapy and he is in remition.He is an alcoholic and has severe liver disease.Right<BR> now I'm so tired of no sleep or food, but I need help. I know your going to say he's a loser<BR> and leave him alone. I think so too!<BR> But, he wasn't always like this and I love him so much. Please advise. Thank you

Hmmmmm.....sounds like your H has deep-rooted problems that feed his seemingly addiction. Married twice with numerous women leads me to believe that there are issues in his life that he's failed to deal with. His actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his inner conflicts. What a quagmire!!!<P>The only sound advise that I can give you is to Plan A all the way. This method is better said than done but is a necessity to put things back into prospective. Because no one can control another's feelings, Plan A allows you to control your own feelings thereby changing the LB's that interfere in the communications withing a relationship.<P>Don't give up the ship and work on improving yourself during your H's absence. He's sure to see a better you which will encourange a better "him". Best of luck to you!!

Hi VL,<P>Wow, you are going through so much. The words your H says sounds like he is in the fog. The mental condition of the OW is another factor. Unfortunately your H does not seem like he is truthful to either one of you. That could be in your favor since you show that even though you want him you have not held him against his wishes. <P>In a sense your situation is simialr to mine. My H claimed that he came back because I begged him or something like that. In reality, I did not beg him. I threw out his clothes 3 times. I sent him out 2 more times than that. Ok, but he kept coming back. <P>Dealing with a life threatening illness is stressful by itself, there is concern as to why you have had so many 'breaks'..... you do not have to disclose that here, just an observation.<P>There is another BS that dealt with her H's illness and now he is divorcing her. It does not make sense, so I will tell you right now, don't try to make sense of it. <P>Instead, try to better yourself. When your H comes back, welcome him back to but don't appear to anxious. For some crazy reason this drives many away. Logic is not a strong item with persons in the Fog.<P>Read up on plan A and B. If you can schedule a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer. Take a look at the book his needs/her needs. <P>You will survive. Your H's future is more dependent on his actions right now. He will need your help, it is a matter of will he accept it. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in because of your husband's actions recently, but be rest assured you are have found a place of total understanding here at MB.<P>You are not crazy for loving your H. You have every right to try your best to be the best you you can be, and in turn, to do your best at saving your marriage. It's a long tough road, but it can happen. <P>Your H is not a loser, nor should you leave him alone IF that's not what you want to do. Yes, he has a LOT of issues to deal with, and you can be the best you and try to help him through it all... but remember, no one can help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. <P>Read as much as you can on here. There is so much that will hit home with you, and in turn, will help you to see what your next step should be. If not, then be sure to ask on here.<P>The standard start is to read up on plan A and plan B. Links will lead you to learning about Love Busters (LB's)... which are extremely important to avoid if you're to execute a great plan A. Also read up on Emotional Needs (EN's). There are questionnaires you can print out and fill out on this site. Fill them out when you can. If your H will do them as well, then great. If not, my suggestion is for you to answer HONESTLY what he would. His answers will be your guide to plan Aing him. But keep in mind, plan A is just as much for you as it is for him (I now know it's mostly for you). It's all about becoming a better you. <P>Keep on posting on here for advice and support. Keep in mind, weekends are very slow on here, so please do not feel that you are being ignored if you don't get too many responses. There are tonnes of lurkers on here, and many who read, but really just don't know what to say.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen

Hi Karen,<P>Thank you for the advise. It has really helped me to talk to someone. My husband came by yesterday and told me he wasn't happy with the OW and it wasn't what he expected.<BR>Anyway, he said he was coming back home to work things out, but he doesn't know how to tell her it's over.He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt her, but what is he doing to me? I didn't seem over anxious, but I told him when really need to sit down and talk. I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off, but I didn't ask him about it. I asked when he was coming home and he said Tuesday. I'm beginning to wonder if he is really going to break it off with her and why is he waiting till Tuesday? What do you think?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vintagelace:<BR><STRONG>he doesn't know how to tell her it's over.He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt her, but what is he doing to me ...</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H words exactly! He truely cares for her and seems to worry more about her feelings than mine! He wanted to wait to break things off with her when he knew he would have time to consol her. GAG! She finally LB'd and he went over to her house and ended it. After that all he did was worry about her and how she was doing. Their last contact was 9/11/01. He told me several times she was making him upset for one reason or another, but now that he is home, he defends her and says that she was just not being herself because she was under alot of stress because he wouldn't commit to her. BLAH BLAH BLAH!! So anyway the good thing is that he is home, the bad thing is that he is deep in the fog! Some day I am going to stop being the one hurting all the time, I just hope it's sooner than later!<P>Just wanted to let you know I can relate 100% with how your feeling! My prayers are with you!!<P>Le

Don't we all wish that all the parties involved...S...WS...& OP could sit down and be 100% honest with each other.<P>Yeah in a perfect world.<P>I feel for you. Unfortunately, it's again about choices. Your H has to make the choice to stop seeing the OW & recommit to you. It's only a "cop" out to say he can't get out of it. He chooses not to.<P>It's not fair to you & he knows this.<P>Maybe his past, his illness has just made him even more selfish. But you have a life and deserve to be happy. God forbid if he does succumb to his illness; does he really want to leave you in such pain? I doubt it, but he's deep in a fog & doesn't see reality. <P>What about counseling??<P>Your story is terrible & I feel so bad for you & for him. Pray & hope he sees himself out of the fog...soon.<P>Hugs & prayers.

Hi VL,<P>Guys are a strange bunch! LOL!!!! :rollingeyes:<P>They somehow feel they need to protect the OW. That knight in shining armor thingy. See the WS is comfortable that you are protected, so they are not worried about you. Hm...... give him something to worry about? Well in my case I had to let my H know that I could not continue to take what I deemed was now turning into abuse because the Ws's actions and ow's words were now taking a physical toll on me. So I let H know that. He said that if I had continued to take it, he (being so depressed and in a rut) would have stayed the way forever. <P>When I heard those words, it was like a door opened. As weak as I was, I mustered the strength to tell him to leave and that I could no longer take that type of abuse from H and OW. It became very important to me to get rid of the ow from my life. I needed stay away from anyone who had contact with her. Her attitude was poinsonous to me and my family. I told H that, he eventually began to see that it was poisonous to him also and when he finally told her she was rude and greedy by wanting to continue the A "any which way she could (even to sharing H parttime with me)" YUCK!!! That ended it. At least for now. It has been over 4 weeks. I have had several voicemail messages left on my machine and have recorded the last 2 for evidence sake. When OW is upset at H, I get the phone call with a message where OW is trying to get me angry with H and kick him out. We are now onto her tactics (been aware of this for a while) and have been able to counter them. What I choose to do by countering will wait to be seen. <P>OW used to complain about having to look over her shoulder because she was afraid of me. She had no reason other than her own actions were bad. She tried to make me into a big huge ugly monster of a person. Well, I am short, so I guess I could be a short ugly monster of a person but as you can see the impact is not quite the same....LOL!!!: :rollngeyes: <P>The WS knew better and eventually all those attempts at making me look bad got tiring for the WS and he began to defend me to the OW. This led to several agruments and he eventually left her. This type of OW may always have difficulties retaining a real man. Because she does not treat the men in her life well either. Actually worse than most of us!!! <P>So that is why being the best you can be is important. OW's really don't stay looking good forever. Eventually the plastic surgery fades. The real them comes out and it can be scary for the WS!!! <P>L.