I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that my marriage is over. My wife has had at least 1 known infidelity (a month before the wedding with a groomsman- she admitted it to me and things were supposedly ok at that point). <P>She isn't vocal about any of her needs in any way, yet she expects me to read her mind about them. She goes online and complains to other men that she is in an emotionally abusive relationship and is "looking for a friend". She has since met at least 2 of them in person behind my back, lying to me about her whereabouts under the guise of "you wouldn't let me meet them if I told you" and "Why aren't I allowed to have friends???" <P>She has since (after about a year and a half of somewhat happy marriage) dropped the bomb on me that she is looking for an apartment and has been unhappy with the entire marriage- only putting up an act of happiness to make others think all is well. And this is about a week and a half ago. She consistently claims that I am always yelling at her and making her feel terrible- battering her emotionally. But her issues are deeper than that- she constantly "ignores" me when I speak, changes the subject often, doesn't care what I have to say in a conversation and can't conceive of why I should be upset when she is irresponsible- ie: sat around house all day chatting online while getting cigarette burns in the carpet and couch. <P>Our home is a MESS- she seems to try to push anyone away from her that gets too close- and one way of doing this I believe is to live in a MESS- dirty dishes and trash everywhere, moldy coffee mugs stacked in the living room, clothes all over the floor, overflowing garbage everywhere. <P>To clarify, I have done complete house cleanups to a spotless condition on many occasions, but I am never in company when cleaning or housework is in need of doing, rather, when I say, "Honey, why don't we both clean the kitchen together?" I get a response of, "Go ahead and do it!"<P>I can't get her to stop "chatting" with her "friends" and I am confident (is there ANY doubt?) that there is more than "friends" going on, but I am met with nothing with resistance from her and her "boyfriends," who send me ICQ messages and emails about how if I were only a better husband and didn't mistreat my wife she wouldn't be running to them. <P>JA (wife) goes to these online men and they are convincing her that our marriage is bunk. <P>Is there ANYONE that is anywhere near where I am feeling at this point? Maybe I should just let her go- I mean, do I really want to spend my life with a woman that is willing to get bored with our marriage occasionally and sneak around with other men (calling it plutonic)? <P>MH

How on earth did you get married in the first place? Surely some of this had to be visible, not to mention the affair just before marriage. Personally I think you need to do some serious work on yourself. As for your wife, you have little invested, seems like you tell her she starts serious counselling and changing her ways, or you are gone.

MH,<P>It certainly does sound like you have a problem. <P>You may or may not be able to save your current marriage. But in either case I believe that you could benefit from the Marriage Builders(MB) concepts. They are basically about building your relationship skills and becoming a better person. And if both spouses will work on them together, wonderful things can happend to in a marriage.<P>You are right that your wife's behavior on-line and with the OM'en (other men) is totally unacceptable. Even if everything she says about you and your relationship were correct, the way she is handling it is childish. There is not reason that any married person should have a relationship with a person of the opposite sex that does not include their spouse. <P>As for the house cleaning situation. Does your wife work outside of the home? Do you have children? Did she do better at the housework when you were first married? Why is the housework her responsibility and not your joint responsibility. (Yes I read that you do clean house at times. But it sounds like you think she is the one who is supposed to do it.)<P>I would suggest that you read the books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Also read all of the information on this web site. These books will give you the road map for repairing your relationship.<P>Strive to work on yourself. The marriage may or may not follow. But in either case, you will be better off for the work.<P>Z

Maybe I wasn't clear. We both work outside of the home and have no children. We do share housework and I have no "extra" expectations of her to do more.<P>I am not laundry certified (she won't let me touch the laundry) yet she won't do it unless there is a need for clothing immediately (hence the piles of clothes). <P>Her days off when I am working are usually spent on the couch chatting with OM. Only yesterday did I find out from her that the last few weeks she has gone and met OM while I am working (although she claims it is plutonic). Yesterday she claims that one of them (who has sent me ICQ msg's claiming the absolute understanding that it is friends only and NO ROMANTIC INVOLVEMENT is intended) tried to kiss her goodbye. I don't know if this means that they DID kiss- or do more than that. <P>With my past experiences, she has expressed feelings of doubt in our relationship (although never to this extent) during the A. <P>My guess is that whether she knows it or not, she has fallen for one or both OM and is giving up her feelings for me out of a torn situation.<P>What I am looking for is WHAT emotional needs can I fill more to prevent her from going elsewhere?<P>MH

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has a problem with "internet friends". My husband has intimate conversations with women on the internet. I tell him it is the same as having an affair, he says it is not. The latest is with my cousin's wife and it has been going on for about 2 years now (we've been married a little over 2 years). They talk about sex and how they wished they had met each other long ago. They have even plotted "encounters" around holidays when the family gets together. I only had suspicions until I installed a surveilance software on my computer and boy was I amazed. He has probably had 20 or more "cyber girlfriends" in the past 2 years. He says it is my fault for being hurt because I shouldn't have snooped around. His symptoms are the same as your wife, he is distant and stays on the computer ALL of the time he is home. He is very secretive about what he is doing, even though he knows that I am now watching everything he is doing. Somedays he does not even speak to me when I come home. He tells these OW that I work long hours and when I do come home I go straight to bed and leave him to entertain himself. This is so untrue. I sit on the couch waiting for him to get off the computer, sometimes until I fall asleep. I have tried everything, but nothing seems to help. As far as your house cleaning problem, I too have that problem but it doesn't sound as severe as yours. I know that it bother's him because I am not the best house keeper in the world, but I have improved greatly. When I am off of work, I clean the house entirely. I try to keep it picked up in between. I should get at least an "E" for effort. I do not have any life changing advice for you, but I will share with you what I am trying. It is hard to get him to sit down and talk to me. When he does finally talk, he gets very emotional and I do know that he loves me. We have a date planned next week, hoping to have some alone time with no distractions. We moved in Feb and do not have a church here, so I am going to start going to church, with or without him. Even if he does not go at first, I'm sure that he will eventually follow. He does have a drinking problem, which he has admitted on several occasions but can't seem to follow up on stopping. This is something that he admitted again last week, and again I believe that he is sincere in quitting. I did take all of the "loop holes" out of his promise this time. Before he said he would stop, but he finds loopholes to use as excuses when he starts again. I have also asked him to go through this site with me. He has not agreed, but he has not said no either. I think that if he wants to work this out, he will try all of this with me. This time, things are a little different than before because I am now 3 1/2 months pregnant. Even if he does nothing, I think that it will help because no matter how innocent that I think I am in this, nobody is perfect. I'm sure that I have problems that contribute to this that I need to work on, like my inability to forget the bad stuff. I forgive, but I don't forget and the past comes back over and over. I hope that things work out for you. I didn't mean to write a book here, I really just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

MH,<P>Thanks for the clarification about you both working etc.<P>One thing you did not answer is if your wife was like this at the time you married her? Or has her participation in the household chores slipped over time? Knowing this is a very important indicator of her frame of mind.<P>As for the laundry issue. Why not take over responsibility for your own laundry. Get your own hamper so that your laundry is separate. This could include towels for your own use. Then if she protests just tell (in the gentlest, kindest manner you can find) that you need your laundry done and do not want to over burden her. This way she keeps control over the rest of the laundry since it seems so important to her.<P>Have you seen the emotional needs (EN)questionaire used by MB? It can be downloaded from this site. It is also available in the book "Surviving an Affair".<P>The way to find out what ENs you wife needs filled is for you to ask her using the EN questionaire.<P>If you are interested in saving your marriage then the place to start is with a good, strong Plan A. <P>I cannot stress enough the importance of reading the MB material and the books. They are the road map to finding your way out of this.<P>Z

It doesn't really matter how they cheat on you, be it in real life or on the phone or on the net. It's still infidelity. Would she really want you to know the true nature of the relationship that she has with these men? Are these relationships making a positive contribution to her emotional state and your marriage? Of course not! <P>Being married to an abuser, I see her point in wanting some happiness somewhere and having a need to feel safe. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] My advice to you MH is start working on yourself. Meet her needs for affection and conversation. How often do you touch, kiss or hug one another versus spewing biting comments at one another? When was the last time you took her on a date? If the house is a mess, then clean it up. If you need clean clothes, then wash your clothes. I would bet that she is seeking out these other men because she feels like she is earning a paycheck and being treated like a maid, not a wife. I've been there and done that. I never sought out other men-they have sought me out. But I can't say that I have ever acted on those temptations to go to the arms of a nother man who would treat me better than my cheating abusive husband. <P>You need to work on yourself and winning her back. That is how you will get her to stop. What is the true nature of her relationship with OM? My advice would be to install some PC recording software and find out. There are many available and many of us with cybercheating spouses have used these programs in confronting our spouses. I personally have used Spector and eBlaster. Some other programs that marriage builders here have used are IOPUS and KeyLogger. <P>I have a website that addresses the issue of online infidelity. The URL is <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A> There is also an e-mail discussion group at YAHOO called online infidelity that is linked at that site. There are a number of links there that address the problem you are facing with your wife. I second Zorweb's recommended reading list. We have all three books and are seeing some baby steps being made in improving our marriage.<P>It is a tough row to hoe, dealing with a cybercheating spouse. But so is divorce. You need to do a lot of soul-searching and find out what you have done to contribute to the problem. Avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. Read post and read some more. Get the books and read them together.<P>Good luck,<P>Bluebird