I am a failed Christian. I have known the blessings and the forgiveness of the Lord. I am married to a wonderful, devoted and loyal lady. I began pursuing cyber sex almost three years ago. Now, I am in a deep emotional relationship that is weighing me down with guilt and shame.<P>I met a lady on-line a year ago. We had a casual, conversational relationship. I had made a decision at the beginning of this year that I was spending too much time on line and I wanted to give up cyber sex relationships.<P>This spring, I went back on line and began talking with this lady I met a year ago. She is divorced and she has been chatting for a year to meet people. She said she thought she was in love with another on line aquaintance. We continued to talk and we fell in love. We continued our relationship although she did not want to end her other cyber relationship. She said she loved me, but she could not bring herself to hurt the other man who was in love with her, by ending their relationship. We would meet in a chat room and she would talk with both of us. As time as progressed, the guilt and shame have dominated my life. I have no reason to cheat on my wife. I am active in my church.<P>I do not know what to do. If I don't end the on line relationship, I will continue this horrible, guilt ridden existence. If I do end the on line relationship, I will devastate someone I have become emotionally involved with. This is such a mess. I am lost. I wish I had never heard of a chat room.<P>I appeciate any recommendations and I certianly appreciate your prayers.<P>Thank you for this forum and for helping people like me.

Dear AFC,<P>I'm sorry for your pain. As a Christian you must know that the Lord will forgive you, but you must end your extra marital relationships first. In your post you said:<P><I>If I do end the on line relationship, I will devastate someone I have become emotionally involved with.</I><P>IMHO, I don't think this female will be that devistated if you end it, sorry to say that but I don't ... not if she is bouncing between two men in a chat room. Seems to me she is somewhat of a "player" if she is stringing two men along at the same time. <P>What I believe is you may hurt more then she if you end it. On-line chat rooms are an addiction, and you will go thru a very hard withdrawal that has more to do with the idea you are letting go of "hope" as opposed to really being in love with her. <P>You could lose <B>everything</B>, AFC, if you wait too long to tackle and squash this addiction. Right now it isn't a glaring threat, but when it becomes one (discovery by your W), it then may be too late.<P>Seek professional help, perhaps give Steve Harley a call for counseling on this. His 1.800 number is listed on the Home page of the Website. <P>Don't wait too long, AFC.<P>Prayers and strength.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo

You have an opportunity to nip in the almost bud the worst mistake of your life. Clearly, you are not a man who can do this lightly. Think what is now costing you and what horrible things it could cost you in the future, should it continue. Not to mention what it will cost your W and children if you have any.<P>I believe that "in love" feelings are very subjective to where we are in our heads.My H was not a man who could do this lightly either but he did and it went physical. He can barely look himself in the mirror,now 14 months later. The pain on both our parts was almost unbearable,only somewhat more bearable now. It has been hands down the worse year of our lives, even when he was in Vietnam, this is worse,he says. <P>PLEASE do not put yourself at risk. REALLY consider this person you say you have "in love" feelings for...she is asking something of you it is clearly a struggle for you to give. Doesn't sound like REAL love to me.<P>Can you get christian counseling? RUN now before it's too late!!!

We all are failed Christians, that is why Jesus died for us. This is a no brainer afc, you obviously love your wife, you are hurting her, so stop hurting her, today, right now. Next sit her down and confess to her, and ask her help in ending this addiction. Along the way you will discover the lack in your marriage that made you vulnerable, it will be painful, but such is life, you (and wife) will recover just fine.<P>I would give you somewhat different advice if your marriage were seriously troubled, but you sound like a happily married man...this is NUTS!!!!!!!!!!! Stop now. You owe the ow nothing, she has made it clear you are but one of many (at least) two on her string, this has nothing to do with love. Further while many people meet and marry on the internet, this does not usually happen in a sexual chat room. Who in their right mind would think one could find love in such a place? Further you cannot connect fully in a chat room, there needs to be much more contact including an expanded phone relationship, further exchanges of confindences and real life stuff, followed my physical meetings to validate the rest of this......you have done none of this, you cannot possibly be in-love.<P>Lastly while it is possible you may devastate this woman (although I seriously doubt it from the picture you have painted), such is the risk we all take when we "date", that the object of our desire may choose another.......and if the other happens to be the spouse they are married too, this is a lot more likely. I do not understand why she is even talking to a happily married man...ya know? Finally what do you know about this woman...I mean really. Maybe she is some 300 pound, male sexual pervert, or a 16 year old precocious wannabe femme fatale. AFC you are being incredibly STUPID, you need to on a very short leash methinks (that is a sorta joke, but you get my drift). But there is hope for you, you had the sense to come here and confess your stupidity. Now go home to your wife, throw yourself at her feet, and thank God, you saved everything in time, and FORGET the other woman, never speak to her again, EVER EVER EVER [and stay the hell of chat rooms you knucklehead [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] unless you have a death wish]

AFC,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have found a group of people ready to support you as you make the right choices, as painful as they may be.<P>Have you read the material on this web site on ending an affair? Severing contact with your OW is likely to send you into withdrawal<BR>that will last several weeks, but it is the only way to regain your life and your self-respect. There are people here who can help and listen during that period. You are about to do the right thing.<P>Your post indicates that you know very well what you must do. As it stands, you are a wreck. Your wife probably suspects something is amiss even if she does not know what it is. You know what you are doing is wrong. Things can't go on like this for you.<P>You say that you do not want to devastate the OW. Yet you say that she has a second man with whom she is involved online. Think about what she said. She loves you, but not enough to break off contact with someone she doesn't love but does not want to hurt. What sense does that make? Since she is divorced, she has nothing to lose by maintaining her cyber affairs with two men. It is easy for her to say she loves you when she doesn't have to do anything to prove it but type emails. You on the other hand have everything to lose, especially since your faith seems to be important to you.<P>You say that you do not want to devastate the OW, but you are willing to devastate your wife. Why do you feel like you owe this OW more than you owe your WIFE? Please look at how illogical this thinking is. Is it more acceptable to you to betray your wife than hurt an adulteress's feelings?<P>AFC, this is going to be tough. Write the OW to tell her that you will not write her again and that you will not respond to her attempts to contact you. I suggest that you change your email address if you are really serious about this.<P>Get a copy of the Harleys' book Surviving an Affair. It is excellent and will help you understand what it takes to end an affair. It will explain what you are going to feel as you go through withdrawal from OW. You will learn that your feelings are normal and, in fact, expected.<P>As you go through withdrawal, you will probably become moody, depressed, and maybe irritable. Your W will probably be hurt and confused. The Harleys recommend total honesty with your spouse. Are you prepared for that? In fact, if the BS is willing, she may be a source of support for the WS as he struggles through withdrawal. Are you willing to introduce her to MB concepts?<P>I hope I have not been too blunt. You have an excellent opportunity to end this before more damage is done. You are to be commended for coming to this site. It shows <BR>that you know what you must do. People here can help you do it.<P>Let us know what you decide and how your efforts are going. Also, you are not a failure. We only fail when we stop trying. Obviously, that's not you. Have courage. You will be alright!<P>Estes<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]

C&I, estes put it a little more politely then I did, listen to her, she is right on the money re feelings and such, this doable, you are teetering on the brink of a cliff and a lot of people have just grabbed hold of you, now grab back, and come on to safe ground, and run as fast as you can to your wonderful, devoted, and loyal lady.

AFC,<P>I would like to add one other suggestion to the ones already given to you. <P>As a Christian, I would suggest that you find another Christian (besides your wife) to be accountable to regarding this addiction. This will help you and it will also help your wife. She will realize that you are sincere in breaking off this relationship and that you have placed safeguards to keep it from happening again. This is very important in the recovery process.<P>Just a suggestion from one who has been through what your wife soon will be going through.<P>My prayers are with you.

AFC, welcome to MB. You can tell how vehemently we feel in our advice to you to quit this cyber-affair right now. Most of us have been through terrible pain caused by affairs, and we see you with a chance to save yourself and your wife...how many of us would give anything we have to have been able to turn our loved ones back from the cliff on which you stand.<P>Please don't just drop this on-line OW with a promise to yourself that you won't do this again. You will. (As you yourself experienced.) The only way to end this totally is to confess your actions to your wife. This will clear your head of the fog of believing that this OW is important to you. You will know in an instant that your wife is important to you and your God is important to you. This OW may represent your frustrations in your own marriage, your secret hope that you could make some changes, but she is nobody to you and you don't know her.<P>I only wish someone had talked to my own husband this way before he embarked on a six-month affair with a woman from work.<P>Prayers for AFC.<P>Rose Red<P>P.S. How could you be more failed than any other Christian, since we're all pretty hopeless? You're just currently unforgiven. Ask God.

Just one more thought,AFC.<P>If you go back and read posts from the repentant WSs, they all say,to a man(woman), that they wish they had never done this. They are ALL regretful...My H posted here a while back under the name "unbelievable". Search his posts...feel his remorse. Makes an A sound very unappealing...

FAILURE IS NOT FINAL! What do you think the Blood of Jesus is for if there was no sin. Remember where sin abounds, grace much more abounds, right? The enemy wants you to believe that "it's over" for you, but it's not.<P>Change your focus. Focus on God's grace and mercy, then out of gratefulness, END IT for once and for all, suffer the withdrawal, and get right inside your own heart. You can do it!