I guess first off a quick recap. It's been 2 months since this all started. I know to what some of you have been going through that is a really short time but for me it has felt like forever. My H moved out at the end of Aug after a fight we had. He ended up talking to the wife of one of the guys he works with. They both were having problems in their marriages. I was talking to her too. He told me he was "in love" with her and rated the feelings for her just below our 2 sons being born but right above me. Anyways, he now knows that he's NOT in love with her and seems to be really coming around. He works out of town all week and is here most of the weekend while he is off but usually spends the nights at another guys house from work. I found out this weekend that he has told the husband about what has happened. This guy seems to be alright with it and my H has been giving him advice on thier marriage (ironic). So now all 4 involved (me ,h, the girl and her husband)know what has been going on.Everyone seems to be alright with remaining friends but me. I so would like them to be out of my life forever. I told H that I understand that him and this other guy HAVE to have a working relaionship. There is no way we can afford for him to change jobs. But I also told him that I don't want him to see or talk to HER at all if he comes back home. Am I being unreasonable here? I just don't see how this guy can think nothing of being told that someone he thought was a friend was going behind his back and talking to his wife on the phone for long periods of time and thinking he was in love with her. I feel like I have lost my mind. Like I have wandered to a planet where only I seem to be sane lol. Is this normal but may pass being that nothing really did happen? Help?!

smkr2<P>Welcome to MB....the show that never really ends...<P>You are being totally reasonable...the problem is, and you will see this as you read more here...is that you are probably not dealing with a reasonable person. (Your H.) <P>I would suggest a couple of things. <P>1. Read the stuff at this site<P>2. Read and post here. If you need to vent the people here are all ears.<P>3. Consider counseling with your H. He needs to understand your feelings, fears and concerns and a counselor can go a long way toward helping him do that. At the same time you need to undersnatd your H concerns and what led to your current situation.<P>But again, you are not being unreasonable. There really is nothing good for your marriage that can come from continued contact with the OW.<P>Good luck<P>E<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Elad ]

Thank you so much Elad for responding! It is so nice to hear that I am not being unreasonable in this.<P>I have been on the boards lurking for awhile now. It has been a great help knowing I'm not alone and being able to learn from all of this.<P>H has come around much quicker than I expected but is still somewhat "foggy". He is really leaning towards coming home and knows that if he decides that we will have to talk and set the foundation first.<P>I suggested counseling when this started but he flat out refused. Says he hates councelors and wouldn't go. <P>I guess I'm just so shocked that everyone other than me is simply ok with this. How can her husband be ok with my H going behind his back calling his wife and developing feelings for her. My H even stayed the night at their house this past Friday night because he was too tired to drive home (they live like 45 minutes away). This other couple is currently borrowing my H's car as theirs is in the shop being worked on. I just truly believed if this man ever found out that he would be so angry that they wouldn't even be able to work together anymore. <P>I guess I feel like I have been the only one hurt by all of this and everyone else is like "what's the big deal". I just don't feel I can be in the same room with this couple without walking out and breaking down. <P>If no one else belives there is a problem should I try everyone hanging out as we have before and see how it goes. I am just so worried that I am letting my hurt and anger override my judgement. Has anyone ever been through something such as this and actually been able to "get over it" and continue as if nothing happened? <P>O.K. I am just rambling now. Thanks again for replying and I am open to any suggestions.

smkr2<P>If your H won't go to counseling, don't be shy about going on your own.<P>It sounds like you need someone to talk to and a C can be very helpful in putting things into perspective.<P>Many insurance policies cover counseling and many employers have Employee Assistance Plans that allow for counseling at no charge.<P>Counseling just for you can still be very beneficial for your marriage.<P>If you can't make it to counseling...a couple of great books to read are "After the Affair" and "The Truth About Love."<P>I guess in answer to your quesion about trying to hang out and see how it goes...that would be tough for me to do...but everyone's tolerance for that type of thing is different I s'pose.<P>Good luck <P>E

I have been looking into counselling for myself. Probably not as hard as I should be. I just have to find someone who works with my Hs insurance. I have my family and a close friend I have confided in throughout this whole time but feel I have put too much on them already.<P>I have been tossing the idea of having all of us get together but really don't believe I could go through with it. I just know that I would end up walking out and breaking down and don't want to go there. <P>Sometimes I feel as if I am doing everything right and other times I am just not so sure. I told H that we both had to work on our individual problems before we could work together on ours. I find myself sometimes questioning why I am forcing myself to go through all of this. The only answer I can come up with is that I love him and know we could make things better if we BOTH tried. <P>I guess when things start to look up I feel myself just waiting for the next bomb to go off. He has really made progress and I am SO proud of him for what he has done so far. As I am with myself also. I have made many improvement on myself that I had put off dealing with for a long time. It feels so good. <P>I hate questioning everything and I know H must be pretty wore out from it altho I do tend to pace myself and force myself NOT to ask EVERYTHING I would like to. Sometimes there are just no answers. Should I continue to ask him any questions I have or start to try to deal with the majority of it on my own? I guess I'm just not sure how involved I should have him in MY working through this. <P>I could ramble on all day everyday. But most thoughts are so scattered that I even confuse myself. <P>Thank you again Elad for responding.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Sometimes I feel as if I am doing everything right and other times I am just not so sure. I told H that we both had to work on our individual problems before we could work together on ours. I find myself sometimes questioning why I am forcing myself to go through all of this. The only answer I can come up with is that I love him and know we could make things better if we BOTH tried. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boyoboyoboy we all know those feelings here.<P>It is very true that you both have to work on yourselves in all of this.<P>If I've learned anything in this whole process it's that it takes a lot of patience and time. Sometimes more than you think you can bear. But when you get to that point come here and vent...it really is helpful.<P>BTW: Having confused thoughts in this whole deal is pretty normal too.<P>Regarding asking him questions....I wouldn't push it...there may be things you think you want to or need to know, but think twice....they may be things that you might just be better of not knowing. <P>Also, a lot of WS look at the question part as a real LB. <P>Some day the things you wanted to know may very well come out anyway. <P><BR>Good luck <P>E

H works out of town during the week and is only in town on weekends. We have begun to talk more on the phone and online during the week while he is gone but I try to leave any questions out of those coverstions as I prefer them to end on a good note. Just makes me feel better during the week. <P>Him being out of town and not around all the time when the questions come up also helps. Gives me time to REALLY think about what I do and don't want to ask and how to phrase what I do ask.<P>He has started telling me more instead of me having to ask. That's how I found out he had told this woman's huband. He OFFERED that information. But I also know my husband well enough to know that most of the time things have to be dragged out of him. That's one thing I have always hated. But your are right, most of the time it all comes out in the end anyways. Guess I need to work more on that part of me that wants to know everything as soon as it happens.<P>I had to ask to find out if he was still "in love" with this other woman. He had told me to ask him any 3 questions that I wanted to. I first said that I wasn't up for the pain of the reponses but eventually asked a few. He probably wouldn't have told me his feelings had changed otherwise. I had asked him why he hadn't told me sooner (it was 2 weeks after he realized it) and he said he didn't think it was important. WHAT?!?! lol Guess that maybe a little bit of this fog thing talking. It was important enough for him to tell me he WAS in love with her but not that he wasn't. Still don't understand that one but at least that part is falling by the side.<P>I would also like to know if the "no contact letter" is something needed in my case. Would it be enough for H to tell this couple (with me there of course) that he wants to work on our marriage and so we cannot associate with them in a social setting? He broke off phone contact with her about a month ago. As far as I know they have only spoken on the phone once while he was here. She called and talked to him for a few minutes before putting her husband on the phone. (Sounded mostly work related to me) He has seen her a couple times over the past few weeks as he has been at their house working on his car that they are using, something else that will have to stop if he decides to come home. But he is no longer rude, mad, upset or anything else towards me after they talk/see each other. I could always tell when they had talked by the way he treated me.<P>I want to thank you so much Elad for responding to my posts. It really helps being able to come here and ask away as well as just post some of my ramblings. But it really means a lot for someone to acknowledge also.<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: smkr2 ]

Fortunately (I guess) the OM lives 1,500 miles from us so it limited the contact. That still didn't limit the feelings, though. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>A no contact letter is pretty much advised by Harley and many others here but, let's face it, it just doesn't happen in every case.<P>It would seem that in your case, 'cause your H still wants everyone to be friends and continue to interact, it might be a little tough to get him to write a no contact letter now.<P>It sounds like he has to understand your feelings first and respect the fact that continued contact with his friends (probably both her & him) is not a healthy thing for you or for your marriage (or for him for that matter). <P>In these situations, sometimes it is hard to get that respect from your WS....but then you have to remember to respect yourself.<P>That understanding and respect from your husband may be tough to come by right now. He has to recognize that to maintain his relationship with you he will need to give up his "friend." <P>If he does, he will go through withdrawal and grieving for what he has lost but it is important that that happend for YOU and for your continued relationship with him. It may take him a while to come to that conclusion, but I think it is important.<P>Just my $0.02...take it for what it's worth and what it cost you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>E

Wow it has been a long few days. H called me at 3:30 Thurs morning. He had been driving and thinking all night. Said he just needed to call me and tell me that he loved me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] That felt REALLY good and took me by surprise. He called again late last night and during the conversation I asked him exactly what the other husband knew. I told him that I didn't want to be the one to tell him anything he didn't already know. Basically he has only told this OWs H that he had grown some "feelings" for her at one time. Well DUH! No wonder he is ok with being friends, he doesn't KNOW what actually happened. But at least I feel better knowing that he is ok with it because he doesn't know ALL of it. <p>From the way he talked last night it seems as if this other guy is kinda getting on my Hs nerves here of late. Not really sure the story but I think it might help him in the "no contact" area. I did tell him lat night that I needed for this couple to be out of my life so I could go on and get past this. He seems to be leaning that way also.<p>He is doing so much better. He is trying to be more open and honest with me as I have asked him. I also asked him to offer information instead of having to ask for it and he is doing that too. I am really so proud of him. Makes me love him even more. I woundered for awhile if I would REALLY be able to get past this and not have it bother me forever (I am usually one to hold onto hurt FOREVER). But I really believe that one day, even thought it may still hurt, it won't hurt like it has. I know this is far from being over but I am feeling really good about MYSELF. Something I haven't done in a long time, if ever.<p>Thank you Elad for the support you have offered this week. I feel so much more at peace with myself right now. I have read your story and see how hard you have worked for your marriage. I wish you all the luck with your wife.

smkr2<p>Thanks for your good wishes.<p>I am glad to see things are beginning to improve for you. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]