A very quick run down...<BR>XW moved in with me and our kids around 9/24/01. We've been doing great! Really, much better than I ever thought possible. I think we're an incredible recovery story.<P>But tonight I could've hurt our progress badly. She has a cell phone and on her outgoing message log it shows the work number of OM(actually it has a few times lately). She used to work there and she does have friends that still do, so she has valid reasons to call. But I can't stand seeing that number, knowing that there is a possibility that she spoke with him. <P>Her problem with it is that she has been doing everything in her power to assure me that he's not a threat, that she wants me and only me forever. And when I check up on her, it makes her feel like I have not started to trust her again at all. I do trust her more than she realizes. I wouldn't be giving her a chance at all if I didn't trust her intentions. I wouldn't have let her move in, I wouldn't be fighting my family about us if I didn't believe in her. <P>But the fact of the matter is... it is hard to not suspect things. There was so much deception in the past. The way she sees it is, if there was still something going on between her and HW(home wrecker) why would she be with me now? It upsets her and makes her defensive and angry but not too bad. It just scares me that things are going well and we have to argue about anything. I just wish I didn't have any suspections, unless she did something obvious. She's afraid that I'll always look for her to mess up and that she feels like I'm watching every move she makes. I'm really not, I do look at her cell phone, but that's it.<P>But the good thing that came out of all this is, we had a long talk(borderline argument) and resolved our differences about it. I agreed to try harder to trust. She agreed to try and understand how I feel more, which she has done a good job of that already. In the past one of us would have probably left the room mad, but this time we talked about it until we were both satisfied with the results. Thing is, I felt like a stupid jerk in the end. She asked what more could she do, and I couldn't answer her. The way I feel, if things keep going the way they've been, we'll be better off than ever before. She has been wonderful! I love her so much! I wish I could just dedicate all my energy to making her happy. <P>All in all it was a tense night for a while, but I was very happy and encouraged that we passed another hurdle. We even wrestled like we were in high schoold after our conversation. <P>Now if I can only think of a great way of showing her tomorrow that I'm sorry and how much I love her. <P>Any suggestions on how to do something special for her, while being completely broke?<P>Thanks!

kb4jb,<BR>First, congratulations on making it through a tense time last night. That said, you should NOT be beating yourself up about your lack of trust. We can love someone heart and soul, but when trust has been broken, over and over again for months, it's a VERY hard thing to reestablish. I am at the very, very beginning of recovery with my H, and the hardest thing for me to imagine ever having again is trust in him. I have kept my mouth shut a lot lately, for fear of upsetting him. But here's the thing; THEY put us in this position. We NEVER wanted to be in a place where we had to question (if not out loud, in our heads) their every move. I HATE that I'm suspicious of my H every time we are not together, but I remind myself that I did not do this to us, he did. In the end, if your W is not willing to help out with your rebuilding trust, it will be much harder for you to regain that trust. I'm worried for me that my H will be reassuring for a month or so, then he will expect me to be "over it." The fact is, he lied to me and our children for 8 months. That's going to be hard to get over. I don't know the length of time of your W's lies, but whatever time it is, you're not starting with blind trust (as we all had at the beginning of our marriages). It's like when one of my children has lied. I've told them that the trust now has to be rebuilt. Sorry, I'm rambling, but I hope that you don't take on too much of the guilt of this. It's going to take a lot of time and patience on your W's part to get that trust back. Take care, my prayers are with you and your W.<P>MOM

Thank you Myownme for your kind words of encouragement. And good luck in your own recovery.<P>I am going to make a more conscience effort to try and be more trusting. Even though I wish we didn't get into it like we did last night, I feel better today about everything she's done and have more faith in her than I did before. But like I said it was fun in the end, we playfully wrestled for a while, she even gave me a hickey on my arm... first one I've had in about 8 years. Juvenile yes, but I'm kind of proud of it. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Anyway thanks for replying and thanks again for your encouragement.

Hey, nothing wrong with acting juvenile once in a while! I pray to have those days of playfulness back with my H. You are encouraging to all of us here who are still struggling with the FOG of our WS's. I hope you have a WONDERFUL day!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Myownme:<BR><STRONG>You are encouraging to all of us here who are still struggling with the FOG of our WS's.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One of the reasons I keep posting is not really for myself. I believe we're on the right track and have a bright future. <P>But I do want to give hope to anybody else going through this type of situation. Reading other success stories made me believe.<P>I will say this... My XW was in the fog as bad as anybody else I read about here. She wasn't "in love" with me. She didn't know if she'd ever feel that way about me again. She re-wrote our history. She had been unhappy for months. She hated when I touched her or even spoke to her. She lied about work to get away from me(and our kids). She was SO selfish, didn't care about anybody but herself and OM. He was her soul-mate. He was a "great" friend. He "understood" her. She had no hope for us, and no desire to work things out. She didn't want to go to counseling. She didn't want to do anything but escape me and our marriage. <P>It took a long time, I was moving on with my own life, but she did come around in a big way and is making up for lost time. I believe with all my heart and mind that our relationship and marriage(once we get re-married) will be stronger and happier than ever.