OK, last week I sent him a hand written invite to dinner for his birthday. I even peppered it with a reference that we also needed to toast to Picasso's birthday as well (same day as my H's and one of his favortie painters -- something I know that OW doesn't [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img])<P>Anyway, the RSVP date was yesterday and he hadn't responded. Advice from mom is #1 he rarely remembers anything so he may have genuinely forgetten to respond (horrible memory), #2 if it was a friend or aquaintance I probably would call and follow up if there was no response.<P>So what is everyone's opinion. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and haven't spoke with him except for a tiny (and quickly resolved) tiff about a money situation in that long as well. So this really isn't "bugging" him and he keeps saying he wants to "be friends" and that is the track I am trying to take for a while since I realize that he cannot be with me in the place he feels he is in right now.<P>I know I am setting myself up for being turned down, but if he forgot or is procrastinating, maybe I should check in...I just really don't know what to do...please help! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am dying to see him again, even if it is just freindly conversation for dinner (when we finally went out two weeks ago we had good conversation -- that was when the board was down so you all probably don't know much about that).<P>Anyth advice would be great!<BR>Thanks!

I would say that you should call him and ask him if he would like to celebrate his birthday with you. As you said, you'd do that for anyone else, so why not him too?<P>Just prepare yourself for him turning you down on your offer. Keep your conversation in a non-LBing way, and you'll be fine.<P>I would also suggest asking him to let you celebrate with him even if it's not on his actual birthday. The last thing you want to do is allow him to feel that you're controlling his actions (as if that's the case! Hmmph!! I don't think so... but he might).<P>Let us know the outcome.<P>Karen

Hmmmmm, I am a little hesitant to letting him give me a "rain date" because that would mean he is spending his birthday with OW. I know I have to play second fiddle, but I feel like a doormat here because I know that HE knows I know he is with her (wow, confusing). I just have a harder time giving into it because she was my oldest friend and so very close to my family and neither of them see to give a rats...well, you know. I guess I could suck it up if he suggested another night, but I might have to drag it out more if it isn't a weekday...maybe drinks afterward or something. I am jsut chicken to call because I am afraid he will say no. I just want him to say yes so bad!!!

I know how you feel... but you have to remember one of the mottos here (which can apply to all aspects in life)... you don't know unless you try your best.<P>If you don't ask him, you'll regret it. If you do ask, and even if he downright refuses, at least you'll know the answer.<P>And so what if he's spending his actual b-day with OW? Should you two work things out, that's just one more thing he'll have to deal with later.<P>Karen

Well, I called him. His story is he never received it...might be true, don't know. He claims that someone else gets the mail. If they don't give him the mail, why is he paying rent to these people? Anyway, it COULD have gotten delayed because we are in the Washington, DC area and with this antrax stuff at the postal places, it is possible it got stuck...doubt it, but maybe.<P>Anyway, he didn't seem ready to give me an answer (he probably has to ask for permission from the OW) so I asked him if he would like me to send it to him in an ecard as an invitation. He said yes that would be good. He sounds like he will probably say no [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] but I guess I had to ask. Good thing, I would have been mad at him for nothing because he didn't know about it.......eeither that or he is at the OW's place all the time (playing happy family with her and her kids) and rarely checks the mail.<P>Why can't he just want to try to work on this marriage. Why, if he isn't mad at me at all, can't he be civil? Why does he try to cut me out of his life completely? Where the hell is he getting all this advice?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BJoanne:<BR><STRONG>Where the hell is he getting all this advice?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BJ,<BR>YEAH!! THERE's a question I'd like an answer to, as well! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<P>My WH has been out of the house for 5 months - w/NO CONTACT whatsoever for the first 3 months. We started talking on the phone (IF I call him!) about 2 months ago. Still had not laid eyes on him for all this time (2 WEEKS?!?!?! PSHAW!!! I'd be ecstatic!!)<P>My WH's b/day was last Sunday. He had told me OW was taking him "away" for his b/day ("Just in case I called and couldn't get ahold of him, didn't want me to worry...." <B> <I> GAG! ! ! </I> </B>) WH is living w/OW 180 miles away from our home. Someone from the district where I work chartered a bus for a day off we had in the middle of the week last week - 3 days before his b/day(AND IT WAS GOING STRAIGHT TO THE MALL RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO WH'S WORKPLACE!! - Is that hysterical, or what?!?! <B> 180 miles from here</B>) I went on the bus, and brought a gift to his work. He didn't know I was coming.<P>I brought him the gift, and we talked. I took him out to dinner during his dinner break from work. Now, I know he's "away with OW" <I> somewhere </I>. Don't know where, don't care!! (Well, maybe just a little!) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>The point is: <B> I got to him first!!!</B> and I KNOW my showing up at his work was a MAJOR surprise....AND bringing a gift.... (Plan A'ing doncha know?) He hadn't seen me in 5 months - the "Infidelity Diet" had done wonders for my figure!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] He noticed. BOY!! Did he notice!!! I even got a little "quasi-hug" and a little "peck" on the lips before we parted.<P>I believe he's thinking of <B> ME </B> during their "get-away" excursion! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>My point is this; to paraphrase something Cali said the other day: "Beat OW at her own game." YOU give him something to remember about his b/day.....don't worry about HER or what "they" are doing. In the whole grand scheme of things, "<I> it's just one birthday.</I>. DON'T give in to acting "needy" or "clingy." Won't work.<P>If she was a close friend, they KNOW your personality. She's probably guessing (pretty accurately) what you might do.....DON'T be predictable!<P>Lupo<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]

Well, he said no...He used my own words against me (darnit!) and said that he is sorry, but I said he shouldn't do things he doesn't want to do because it doesn't do anyone any good. Was I stupid for saying that or what. Now he will never do anything he doesn't want to do and therefore never see me again.<P>So now I am stuck, no dinner, not even a rain check. So...should I send a little presents (I have three, but am NOT sending the cool one, but can send the two smaller ones), or just a card? Should I send them or save them until the next time I see him? I am just not sure the next step now. <P>I actually really don't know what to do now. I know that others go with no contact for months and can rebuild their marriage. I know that some WS's live with the OP for 6 or more months, only to come back to the BS and they build beautiful marriages together. I am just unsure of where to go from here...............I will post some more q's on this in the next few days, as they arise in my mind. <P>But some advice on how to handle the b-day in light of the response would be welcome. I am still trying to Plan A as much as I can, event though I never see or talk to him. And I am not sure what the OW would think I would do in this situation....I think me keeping silent on his response would be different. But I am not sure about the gifts.....that is different...hmmmm...must think on this then. Thanks for all your help everyone, and more advice would be great!!!