Ok, I admit, it is an inflammatory headline!<P>What I mean is this:<BR>Do you think reading other people's sagas and responding with advice, input, encouragement, whatever... is a way to substitute for action in your own personal situation?<P>Again, I know, it is an emotionally-tinged question. But, speaking for me - I find that sometimes I do come here and read and read and read (and post, occassionaly) instead of doing something constructive with my own life. Some of what I read is VERY VERY HELPFUL to me. It makes me think, it makes me cry, it makes me pray. It is a gift to me. <P>But, if you are an "avoider", like me,<BR>this kind of forum can cause you to focus on other peoples' issues (most of whom you will never meet or see in person) instead of dealing with the concrete people in your life.<P>Am I the only crazy one who thinks this?<P>M

Like anything else in life, too much of something is not good. I am hooked also in this forum but I live my life and check it out once a while trying to be helpfull. Sometime I learn a lot by reading others.<P>I am rather spending time in this forum than make my mind wondering around about WS and start thinking on getting even .... or LB !!!

I think it could go either way myself. Sometimes I come here when I need some bolstering. The stories of some of the folks here shame me when I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. I personally have gained a great deal of knowledge and food for thought from some of the posts. There are indeed some insightful people here. I suppose the other side of the coin would be the days that all that I get is depressed. As with most things, I think moderation is the key.

Personally, I would never have made it this far in one piece without this website. I do get depressed when most of it is not good news, but then there are days to rejoice with others as well. It helps to have others that know EXACTLY what you're going through. Most of my friends/family in the real world frankly have NO clue how I'm feeling. It's like when my 1st H committed suicide; lots of people say they sympathize, but unless you've been there, you have no idea what a person feels. Just my opinion.<P>MOM

Venting here is probably better than doing it with your spouse, so that's a help and this is a place to actually vent and get feedback.<P>I think as long as well remember that the people we are talking to on this board aren't professionals, just ordinary folk like us with some of the same problems, we can be OK.<P>It has helped me to talk thru some stuff with others in the same situation and to get advice from some of those who have gone on the roller coster ahead of me.

Good question, Wiffle, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>My answer? NO, for me it isn't, because it's too late for me, I'm now D. I'm here to give back and try to help others, and at the same time it's helping me deal with the "WHYS" my H and I are now D.<P>You see, my H didn't give me/our marriage any kind of chance, after 20+ years, you'd think I'd get some kind of explanation to help with closure. But it just didn't happen.<P>When I was coming here during our separation, this place literally saved my life. I can honestly say I don't think I would be as far along in my individual recovery if I hadn't spent so much time here back then.<P>Just my nickels worth.<P>Best,<BR>Jo

For me, NO WAY. I've found it offers a diverse course, depending on where in the journey you are. This discussion would be better with a beer and some BBQ, but for me, the whole experience ( including "outside influences"; they just add to your MB "base")<BR>with MB has been a life saver.<P> Where would you be if the forum was not here?<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]

Great question... I ask myself the same thing sometimes.<P>I have been lurking and reading for several months but rarely post. I think the advise is mostly very good but there are quite a number of different opinions that leave me dazed and confused at times... me thinks (hint)!<P>Over all, as sofar2go put it, it is great food for thought. It has helped pull me out of the fog somewhat... I can at least see the groud now.

I am not sure if I would be here if it wasn't for this forum. From Oct of last yr till the 1st of June this forum & the people here were my only friends, the only people I had to talk to about my WS, my OS. <P>No this wasn't the months after discovery, d-day had been over a yr before this, this was after I found out that I had given up my job, my life for a very slim chance to save my marriage that was not going to pan out. I was trapped till June and if had not been for this forum to come to everyday, many times a day, I am not sure where I would be.<P>did I save my marriage, no it was beyond saving but I did save my sanity.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><STRONG>Venting here is probably better than doing it with your spouse, so that's a help and this is a place to actually vent and get feedback.<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree completly, in fact we just got into a huge fight and I am here to keep myself calm, and to give us a minute to think without arguing. <P>Some people like Faith will talk on ICQ with us and it helps us better deal with our issues. She asking for a check though??? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <BR>It's helpful to have other's opinions about htings so we are not so one sided.

I can definitely see where you're coming from, by asking that question, but I would have to answer no. This forum does much more good for the people who visit it regularly, than harm. <P>But, as with anything in life, if you take the advice you recieve with a grain of salt, then you will be better off. When you read discouraging news, or negative comments, be aware of where they are coming from, or in what situation the writer is currently in, and you'll be hard pressed to find that this forum could do any harm.<P>I think that, above all its merits, the best things about this forum is the encouragement that it gives people who are in desparate times. Most of you have mentioned this. I definitely would not still be fighting the Plan A fight, were it not for the encouragement, wisdom, sound advice and patience that i've gleaned from people on this site.<P>And while I'm on my soap box, hehe, I'd like to thank every one of you that have helped me stay my course. My marriage may not turn out a success, but I will, because of the friends I've made here.<P>Thanks!

How about this perspective: <BR>If I had come to the MB site and forums a year ago to seek help for my troubled marriage maybe I wouldn't have gone to a female friend of mine to discuss my problems and not ended up having an EA with her! Maybe my marriage would have been better and I would have not lost the ability of having my friend as a friend.

Thanks for all the great replies! I definately think MB has done me a world of good. However, there are some things I feel that I need to address in my own journey that I seem to "not find time to get to" b/c of the amount of time I spend on-line reading! <BR>Also, I am one of those people that tell ya'll alot more about what is going on with me than I tell my real life friends. Something about the anonymity really appeals to me. Cyberspace can be dangerous for me in that way - it is a way to connect to other people, but not really connect. I mean you all don't really know me and if I got hit by a car this afternoon on my way home from work and never posted again, no one would probably notice. Not so with my real life friends, family... I just wonder if it is less risky to spend time here than to spend in deep conversation with people who know me personally?<P>Again, i really only ask for me. I am sure no one else is as neurotic as I am!

Hi Wiffle,<BR>Yes, it is definitely less risky to come here. THis place has been a life saver to me. I wouldn't share this information with anyone I know around where I live. Only 2 of my "friends" know about H's affair and they are both in states far away. My family wouldn't understand. His wouldn't be supportive.<BR> Just last week I ended up bawling and I told H that I didn't have a real-live flesh/blood person in the world that I could count on. Its actually true. My parents are dead. My sisters have their own problems and I can't share this with them. My MIL is not much help and neither are his family.<BR> Here I can vent without LB-ing to him. The few friends I have around here are related to others who would "run" with the information, so I can't share it with them either.<BR> Counselor also suggested maybe I spend too much time on computer myself as I was on computer alot (not always online, just doing stuff for homeschooling, newsletters, letters, etc). I try to be on here only when the kids are asleep or outside. When H is around, I spend the time with him. Last night he watched one show on Discovery and wanted to watch another. I didn't, so came on here. I try to be aware of when it could be an "avoidance" crutch.<BR> I have learned ALOT coming here and appreciate this site immensely.<BR> Great question.<BR>Mikkey

Hi, <P>For me, this place did me good. Wonders actually. I could not afford a counselor. I have one and even met with Steve once. I even let my HR dept know that I visit this site. <P>Was it good for the WS that I came here? I believe so. I have shared the concepts and some of the posts here. While not in full agreement, WS has acknowledged some points and even asked a 'few' questions. <P>Over all, the forum is good. There are times when there is a lot of agruing and less marriage building. There have been some strong opinions and attitudes steering some away from the MB concepts. <P>Then there is the strong hand of experience, those that have been here longer and occasionaly step in to remind us of our purpose here. It is easy to get distracted and go off on a tangent. Some of us have repeative issues or just plain 'ol weird situations come up. Sometimes, there is a lot of support to give and other times, it is hard to find the right words. <P>Sending and receiving cyber hugs are great. Though we really don't know everyone here, there is some commeraudery (sp?). <P>For me, I am glad to have found MB and this group. <P>L.

My experience has been that posting and reading out here has brought more accountability into my marriage. You know, practice what you preach. So that's one side. The other side is that usually people have their minds made up as to what they are going to do anyway so ditto to what GodlyMan said on how you interpret any advice given here. Besides, I endeavor NOT to take myself too seriously! Life is too short not to be enjoyed to the fullest!

I think it helps a lot to "vent" things here instead of to my wife. The only two people I've told about this are hundreds of miles away; it's just not an option to confide in most friends or family members.<P>Once in a while you get some really good advice or motivation from the other posts. <P>I spend too much time on the computer, because I'm a software developer and because I telecommute full time. So it's been real hard to focus on work, or anything else, while this is going on. But the MB site has replaced some distractions that are even less productive. Like snooping. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Right now I've been procrastinating on some big steps that must be taken, but that's not because of the MB board.<P>- Tom

MB has been great for me, to vent to someone and have people reply in ways to save our marriage. When most people hear that your spouse had an affair they automatically think you are going to get a divorce, because on T.V. they do not hardly ever show a marriage surving an affair.<P>I have talked to no one about the affair except on MB and I could not have gotten this far without it.<P>There will be weeks that I do not even get on to MB because there are a lot out there that have spouses that do not come back as quickly and recommit, so when I read those postings it does make me wonder about my H, so that is not a good thing.<P>So be careful what you take in and look for postings that will help your marriage and that are similar to your situation.