Just a question. My H came back from a 3 month military training course back east and 1 day after his 40th birthday announced that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for nearly 2 years. I was caught unawares. I had no idea. We have had problems but no love hadn't even come up. Then 2 days later, he told me that he had met someone at the course that he was attracted to. He insisted that he hadn't done anything more than "hold her". He also said she was like me when we first met 12 years ago. <BR> He said he was confused and was unhappy and needed space. But, he said he wanted to try to get the love back. I asked him to stop contact with her while we tried to work things out. He agreed. For the last 2 months, we have been seeing a therapist and working on our marriage. But, he was in dialy contact with her by phone. She is East Coast and we are West Coast. And, he was sending her emails nearly every day. I have monitoring software and I got copies of all their correspondence. Some of it was very suggestive. But it did confirm that they had not been intimate. I confronted him with this lie. He said that he would stop contact with her. Two days ago I got the cell bill and that was a lie. When I told him that he was still choosing her over our family, he insisted that there was nothing wrong with their 2-3 times a week phone conversations. He had told her that they would not be intimate as he was working on our marriage. But, to me it feels like infidelity. He says that he will not stop talking to OW. What can I do? What do you think? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Marli, Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm sorry you need to be here but since you do I am glad you came. Your H is involved in an EA, emotional affair. Lots of spouses don't want to admit these relationships are really affairs because there is no sex. They are wrong, this is an affair. I have no great words of wisdom for you , I'm not awake enough for that right now but I wanted to let you know that we do care . There is a lot of good information in this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553</A> thread.<P>For now just breathe, you don't have to decide anything today. Read all you can here, and learn what you can about plan A and put it to work. Marriages can survive this I am 3 years past D-Day with H's 2nd affair. Hang in there someone wiser than I will come along soon I am sure.<P>Deb

Welcome--although I'm sorry you have to be here. As Deb said your H is having and EA. It I think is sometimes worse thana PA-physical affair. Come here pften to vent or just to say hi. These people here are a wealth of information and support. Read, read, read and pray, pray, pray. Take care of your self and know that you are not alone.

Marli,<BR>Welcome.<BR>Sometimes I think it helps to get feedback, cause it is sometimes easier for others, not on the firing line to see some things. <BR>I know you have to be really stressed as to what to do. Know, that most people here have been there -- <BR>There are also lots of books about how to recover from an affair. Yes, despite the apparent lack of ultimate intamcey, I believe most will tell you that his actions clearly dictate that it is infidelity.<BR>The WS I believe, is typically in denial, what is sometimes referred here to as in the "fog." I think it is like a teenager caught with something they know they're not supposed to have. They typically will deny & sometimes get real creative to shift the blame & plead innocents! Otherwise logical stuff and conclusion they will deny & argue -- I believe very same kind of thing with WS.<BR>I see some encouraging signs -- it seems he is willing to go to counseling (many WS's fight this) & when he says this OW is like you used to be, it sounds like he is throwing out a clue to an EN. Something he would like for you to do or be like. Perhaps he is trying to throw out some pain, resentment --blame it on you kind of thing as well -- eases guilt; if it really isn't their fault!<BR>Make no mistake though, IMHO he is vilotationg your wedding vows -- as a BS, we know we may have contributed to the erosion of the marriage in some ways, but we did not force our WS into this other relationship! That was their choice!<BR>Does your Counselor know what your H did & is doing & all the evidence you have? I have a perception that most all C's make it very clear that two people cannot work on a marriage if one party is continuing a romatic relationship with a third party! P or E! <BR>If it is not an emtional A, It should not be a problem for him to give up contact! In the FOG! Does not respond to logic -- Is being very self-centered, which I believe is very common -- leads to straying to begin with, IMHO!<BR>Also, this little (many times referred to as) "spark" he felt for the OW is a big reason why they say all of a sudden that they (WS) don't love us -- it helps them fell less guilty!<BR>"I love you, but I am not in love with you" is a another sickening, but commmon thing they tend to say -- again, rationalization to ease their pain of guilt!<BR>My WS said she looked at our marriage as more of one of convencience, ... that thought process made it convenient for her to act out with less guilt! I don't think she really thought that way before the A's! I think she understood the meaning of our wedding vows, she just needed to make a little modification to justify her action! <BR>Be prepared for lots of BS -- Try not to take it personally -- lots of the actions, reactions are very predictable. This is where a book or two might help.<BR>Hang in there!<BR>You will be in our thoughts & prayers!<BR>HH<p>[ October 24, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]

Thank you all for you responses they helped a lot. It is ggod to realize that I am not alone in thinking that this IS infidelity!<p>I have been very busy trying to read as much as possible. I really want to work things out. Because, until this nightmare began, I thought we were soul mates and would grow old together. I still love him. <p>But, there is a huge glitch in this. In 3 weeks, WS has been ordered to go on a 1 week course at the base where the OW is posted. Since I have been unable to convince him to cut off any contact with OW, the chances of him not seeing her while he is there, are nil. And, since he has already admitted that he is attracted to her, this is not something that I know how to try to fix. I was planning on working in Plan A, but I don't know, maybe Plan B is more appropriate? <p>
H has been staying with his sister for the last month as it is. H said he was "too uncomfortable" staying here. H says he needs the space so that he can become stronger and try to work on what he really wants. (He says I try to control everything.) When I bring up problems and express my opinion that what he is doing is just plain wrong and that I am being hurt by his actions, he says that I am giving him ultimatums and that if I push, that he will quit the military and disappear forever. We have a 9yr old DD who he loves to the ends of the earth but he still insists that he will disappear. <p>On the other hand, I do know that he is trying to work on things with us. He is "dating" me to try to get back some of the things that we used to do. And, as Hurrian said, I am not blameless, I recognize that his ENs fell way back in priority. He took last place over other family, career and health issues. But, I am working on that. H says he likes to spend time with me. So, I have hope on one hand and none on the other. Talk about confused! Lately, I have been going from hope to despair a thousand times a day. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]