question:after ws has an a can they fall back in love with you?my ws has been back 6wks and says he is not motivated to do anything with me.he doesn't feel like he is in love with me.and now wants to divorce b/c he thought that by coming back he would get the loving feeling back and is like its been 6wks and he doesn't feel it i tried to tell him after all that has happened he is not gonna just feel love it is something that needs to be rebuild and that the way he is feeling is normal but he doesn't hear me am i wrong?and i said part of the problem is he still has feelings for ow whom he lived w for 8mo.vacationed with and still works with and i believe they are still seeing each other.and i told him he is not serious about this and didn't come back serious so how is expecting to feel love for me.and if he doesn't want to do things with me than what does he expect.we aren't even working on our marriage we are just trying to work on being friends but even that is hard b/c he is still playing games i asked why he returned if he was still gonna play games.how can we work on friendship if he is still carrying on with her?he won't let her go but comes home and gets in a fog and it is hard to deal with.i am really trying to be a friend and not a wife but he is selfish and self centered and i'm starting to believe that will always be the case.we talk in the house but it is brief and while watching tv and that is the only time we do talk we started counseling while he was living w ow and now he doesn't want to continue.this is always the case he starts things with me and then takes a step back and leaves everything unfinished and i know this part of the problem he tries for a second and then backs out.i do not want to judge him i am really just trying to be there for him but he makes it impossible we sleep in the same bed and he tends to sleep to the edge seems like he doesn't want to touch me.he just believed that coming home would make him fall back in love i think that is strange to believe where you live will predicted how you feel about loving someone correct me if i am wrong.we don't hug,or speak during the day.can love really return i am at a point where i don't even ask him to go out b/c i am tired of the excuses and let down feeling.i am really trying to just be his friend nothing more but i won't be an idiot.how can we be friends if he is still involved with ow and i told him as long as they have contact he will never get over the feelings he has for her.there is no talking to him and i can't understand why he is like this do people just fall out of love and that is it.or can you really get it back i need answers

Sorry for your pain Left.<p>My opinion (only an opinion) is that your H moved back home to alleviate guilt. If he's talking about leaving and divorcing, I think this short trip home was about him being able to say "he tried". <p>He lied to OW, didn't want her to know he was with you. Kept you at a distance, didn't really try to make anything work. And now he can leave because he tried and it just didn't work. <p>Or its possible that he's suffering in withdrawal from OW, and not giving himself a chance to get through it.<p>Just some thoughts....

just needed to bump myself up i need replies is anybody out there?????desperately seeking replies

Hello LA, The only reason that I come to MB and am still standing to tell the story is that I believe, Steve believes and MB principles state that love can be restored. <p>I am not yet a success story and therefore, cannot tell you that it has worked for me YET. However, I have been inspired by many veteran posters such as Topie25, Fairydust, Zorweb, Trueheart, Orchid, Cleopatra, Faith1 and Lexxxy. I would encourage you to read posts on this board, learn what Plan A and Plan B are all about, and purchase the book "Surviving an Affair". <p>Recovery is a LONG, HARD, road. Do not underestimate the struggle you are up against. Your H is acting so much like my H has acted for the last six months since d-day. He has finally decided to find an apt and find his happiness, whatever that is. Until my H realizes or believes that we are his future, the most you can do is improve yourself and PRAY. <p>We will also pray for you and your marriage.

Oh, I remember this very, very well. H came home on his own. I had plan A'd him for 4 months while he was living with OW. He supposedly broke it off with her, HOWEVER, he did stay in contact with her for a short period of time. THEN he attempted to begin another A a few weeks later. I picked up on that one immediately and put a stop to it. He was still acting the same selfish way and it was tough for me to stay with him. I too wondered if this was the way it was going to be. He wanted the best of both worlds: to be out partying and picking up women AND to have his home to go to with his daughter there whenever he wanted to see her. I truly do not think I was part of the equation, though. Although he never had to worry about a babysitter. About 5 months after he moved back home he began a relationship with an exotic dancer. Once again, I found out. I didn't yell and scream. I very calmy and matter-a-factly let him know how hurt I was and how I felt he disrespected me. Of course, they don't see it that way. Or so I thought, within a few days he came back to me and said it was very disrespectful and he had would stop. As far as I know there has never been another since. It has been 14+ months since he came home. It was just in August when he said he was sorry for all the hurt he had caused me. It took a LONG time for him to acknowledge that. Although, I would have loved to hear those words over and over again right from the start it was even better hearing them at that time. Our relationship has gotten much stronger and is in a place we never were before. I'm not sure if I would have ever believed him before. I'm not sure counseling would have helped at that time. I don't think his intentions were where they needed to be. BUT now, it's a different story. <p>LA, be patient. You MUST continue to plan A him (I would surprise my H with cards on his windshield when he was at work. I didn't know it but he kept all of them [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). It's easy to commit a LB right now but try to avoid it as much as possible. If you do, be the bigger person and apologize. <p>He does need to stop contact with her but he also needs to see the good things in your relationship too. In addition, keep your options open. You may come to a point when you have done all you can but he continues to straddle the fence. Then it may be time to Plan B him. <p>Be strong LA!<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Molli ]</p>

thank you guys for the responses i have rec'd i really need all the responses i could get.any body out there have anything to add.i would really like to hear from everyone out there.everyone knows how tough this is.pls add anything you have on your mind

Leftalone,<p>I'm quite new to all of this, but I've been trying to catch up and learn from all the posts here (as well as elsewhere).<p>At this point, the only advice I can give you is BELIEVE. In yourself, your ability to become the better person that you want to become, and all the people here who have gone through it before. Hopefully, your WS will see these changes and appreciate you for who you really are. In that appreciation, comes admiration, affection, and eventually love.<p>Plan A!<p>Best wishes,
Kev

LA,
My WS has been back for a month and he still works with OW and refuses to look for another job, but claims to have no contact with her. In my case, though, he is very affectionate and loving toward me unless I bring up the A or OW, so I have decided to stop doing that and have been successful for four days in a row now.<p>Will your H let you meet any of his ENs? Do you think you could try some of the ideas in Ellen Kriedman's books (Light His Fire, The 10-Second Kiss)? Have you tried avoiding mentioning the A, OW and the status of your relationship? Think back to when you two were romantically involved and connected--how did you act around him then? Try to re-create that attitude and behavior.<p>If he doesn't want to kiss or cuddle, will he accept a back rub? Even when my H is giving me the cold shoulder, he'll let me rub his back and that usually helps thaw him out eventually. It at least gets him used to being touched by me.<p>He fell in love with you once, so he can fall in love with you again. Just concentrate on BEING the woman he fell in love with and don't talk about the OW and his feelings about her or you. If he brings it up and has nothing constructive to say, don't react or advise, just find something else to do and gracefully excuse yourself, and keep a smile on your face.<p>I do all my crying in private now that I know my H is not ready to work on the relationship yet. I write all my questions and hurt feelings down in a notebook for if the day ever comes that he is willing to deal with all that. Whenever he's around, I act like we're on a date during the courtship, and it draws him to me like a magnet.<p>I also use some techniques I learned and used before we were married that are from a book called How To Make a Man Fall In Love With You by Tracy Cabot. These are fairly easy behavioral and conversational things you can do that will help him feel connected to you. One that I remember off the top of my head is when you're cuddling to match your breathing to his. She also teaches you body language clues, such as his eye movements during conversations, so that you can respond in a way that helps him feel connected to you.<p>Since our time lines and situations have some similarities, I'll try to keep you posted about anything else I discover that seems to be working. Good luck!<p>Conqueror

once again i'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my post.now in regards to conqueror's response.all that being affectionate sounds great but how do you do that when you feel like h has just left ow or finished having intimate contact w ow?that is not exactly the time you feel like cuddling.i just feel like i need to distance myself at that time and how do you show affection for someone who acts like they don't want to be bothered.and how about when someone's cell phone rings and they don't answer it or say call came up unavailable. how do you avoid asking where you stand or who called?or when he comes home late what do you do then? just act like everything is okay even though it is eating you up. i don't argue w him b/c that is pointless and we have been there done that. i do see some truth in it b/c its only when i ask if he wants to move back in w ow or what he wants then he starts with all the hokey pokey.he never brings things up on his own i always am the one who every few days asks him questions pertaining to where he will live since he said at this point he is unsure even though he is home w me and our child.or is he unsure who he wants to be with.maybe i should just let that go for awhile and see where it leads?but still there is the point of him saying we should do our own thing and he isn't motivated to do things with me but how could we ever be around anyone besides ourselves and our families when people at work don't even know i exist and softball friends all have seen him parading around with her since he has brought her to all the events.what do you do then?let me know

Dear LA,<p>As long as he has contact with the OW, he is not givng the M a fair chance. Let him know that. To make a life changing decision on a 1/2 hearted attempt, is not fair to anyone. Not even the OW. <p>You see, my H did the same thing. Waffled for 3 months after April 01 return. OW even claimed to be prego twice since then. YUCK!!!! But it turned out to be additional threats. Her way of holding onto him. H needed to see that. It was plain as day to the rest of the world but not him. Eventually he saw and is seeing the light. <p>Will post more later. <p>L.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by leftalone:
[qb]now in regards to conqueror's response.all that being affectionate sounds great but how do you do that when you feel like h has just left ow or finished having intimate contact w ow?that is not exactly the time you feel like cuddling.[QUOTE]<p>This is the hardest part, and it took me a while to deal with this, and I still don't really have comfort with it. H gave me a STD, so this is a real issue with me. What I did was look at it this way: <p>If I were single and interested in a man and wanting to be affectionate and sexual with him, I would have no way of truly knowing whether he was faithful to me or not. (I actually got the STD before I even suspected the A!) So, I called the Health Dept. and spoke to my doctor and asked them to educate me on how to best protect myself assuming I was single and had multiple sex partners (since I really don't KNOW how many partners H has or may be having). Once I was confident of my ability to protect myself PHYSICALLY in the worst-case scenario, that helped.<p>Then, as far as the emotions go, I detached and looked at this as an affair. I don't know how long this relationship that I no longer see as a marriage is going to last, but I'm going to get as much out of it as I can for as long as I can until I figure out whether it is viable or not. I have been deprived of affection and sex for so long that I feel entitled to it, so that helps overcome any aversions I may have now and then.<p>Ellen Kriedman's books are good for giving you inspiration to "feel the fear and do it anyway". All you can do is try. You've already been rejected and abandoned, so the worst has already happened. You already know that what you've been doing isn't working, so it's time to try something new.<p>As far as the cell phone goes, I regularly check the call history and voice mail and I've set up online billing that only I can access, so I don't have to ask any questions because I already know the answers. When he is late coming home, I leave before he gets here and do something fun for me and the kids. If he is considerate and calls to tell me he is going to be late because there's an accident on the freeway, I call the Highway Patrol and find out if there is indeed an accident on the freeway.<p>And yes, I act like everything is okay even though it tears me up inside a lot of the time. I come here and cry my heart out sometimes, and sometimes, like today, I try to help others which helps ease the pain.<p>I haven't had the courage since the A to go to where H and OW work, but that is probably something I should do--just show up and take H to lunch or something. Maybe if I make HER uncomfortable enough, she'll back off. You and I have nothing to be ashamed of, so we should be able to go wherever we wish without feeling intimidated. So, think about dropping by your H's work with an offer to go out to lunch and take your child along, too, and definitely go and watch the softball games! Hold your head up high. You have just as much right to be there as anyone else, if not MORE!<p>I have looked at this plan A from all angles and ultimately even if the WS doesn't respond, you end up getting practice in relationship skills and self-improvement that will be of benefit in your next relationship, so even if you have to look at it that way (and sometimes I have to in order to get through it!), that you're preparing yourself to be a great mate for a wonderful deserving man (and our Hs may just surprise us and BE that man someday), then do it with that in mind.<p>I also helps to start small with setting short-term goals like I will not bring up the A or our relationship for one week. If you were single and trying to attract a man to you, you wouldn't keep asking about the competition or about his commitment to you. You kind of have to look at it like that, like you're back to square one, and always try to be at your best as you did back then. Just take it one step at a time and try to do something new and different than what he's used to. Act as if you are in a loving marriage--try to picture the things you would be doing and then DO them.<p>It takes imagination and determination and sometimes I feel like I'm barely hanging on, but that's when I come back here for more inspiration and encouragement so I can hang on a little longer.<p>Conqueror<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>