Today, I really feel the need to phone the OW. I read Cali's post yesterday and understood why she did what she did...since the OW is overseas, she doesn't know anything about our life here, our friends, our families, etc. She just doesn't know what she has helped to create...I just feel this overwhelming desire to call her and describe to her the pain she has helped to cause. I am bothered by the fact that she can't "SEE" the pain or feel it...is that fair? <p>I know all of you say that the OW feels no remorse BUT...won't it make me feel better???<p>Yes, today I need convincing once again.

T,<p>Don't bother yourself thinkig about what OW is feeling or not feeling. You may never know and she certainly wouldn't be honest with you about it. If you call her and tell her what is going on, then you are putting power in her hands. Don't do that.
Think of the A as a symptom of your H's problems(which we have figured out be now run deeper than the affair). Focus on getting to the root of what's really bothering him and what needs of his weren't being met before the A.
Did he ever get as far as an ENQ? If not, could you ask him if he could help YOU be a better wife by answering the questions. Take the focus of of fixing him and make it more about helping you. Then see if you can get anwhere from that.
Take it easy and don't beat yourself up!

Terrified,<p>I wanted to chime in here to agree with Cleopatra. <p>In my case when the affair started (around this time three years ago) the OW was overseas. Byt the time it ended she wasn't overseas anymore but was she was still at least 3000 miles away. The fantasy factor of the affair for my H was immense. <p>In the long run it really doesn't affect your marriage if the OW is remorseful. It matters more how your H feels and how you respond to that. Trust me...the OW in our case couldn't have given a rat's behind for how I felt. The the point that after no contact was established she sent me a note saying she didn't want my H any more and I was welcome to him. Uhh...hang on..I thought he was mine all along!! Some people don't get it at all.<p>I have read some of your posts and I have prayed for you. The Harley's method works...just remember Plan A is not meant for you to be a doormat but to help you become the best YOU, you can be. I know it's tough but don't give that woman any more leverage over you. <p>Whatever happens you will be ok. That's been my big lesson in this. My H and I are still together but even if we had split up, I know I would have been ok. <p>Take care of yourself.

Thanks Cleo and VL, Cleo, My H is not at the stage of considering the ENQ. He considers reading/articles/emails all a major LB. This doesn't prevent me from trying every so often but I have to be prepared to deal with his wrath when I do.<p>VL, How long did it take for you to reach recovery? I read some of your posts and it looks as if your H was away for six weeks, continued the affair for another two months and then snapped out of it? It doesn't sound as if there are any kids involved?<p>How do I become the best ME?<p>BTW, Thanks so much for your prayers.

Dear T,<p>Ow's are OPs because that is what they choose to be. As long as they choose to be in that position (LOL!!) they will have no care for your feelings or any other normal humane thought or conduct. In that position knowing full well that your H has a family is information enough. Hearing from you in some cases gives the OW strength. They think they have one over you and can pull your strings. If you let them, they are right in their warped way of thinking and they can go on pulling your strings. <p>You say this OW has no clue, don't underestimate that. It is better to think that the OW knows full well what is going on and 'if' she does not then that is her defect, her problem. <p>Now, if you need to say something to the OW. Try writing out a real long letter, e-mail whatever and save it. Or you can send it to one of us. Or even to your H (might be an LB). <p>T, don't cast your pearls of truth before a swine who likes to live a lie. There is no appreciation there. <p>For me, I speak from experience. I thought I was dealing with a sane person who was being misled. Well, both were misleading each other but this OW thought she had the upper hand. So for a while, I played into that gross hand and gave her power over me. It led to my sending e-mails and really pssing her off. Ok. But it did little good. Yes, I now knew where she was really coming from but I already knew that. Now, I was dealing with a hormonely raging pysco babble that eventually turned into a rabbit. Can't reason with a rabbit about real people stuff. <p>I don't wish my experience on you. In fact, I don't wish it on anyone. For what it is worth, I hope you do what is best for you. I know how strong that desire is. No one can say for sure how your message will be received no matter how well the intent, we just want to protect you from further harm. <p>Love,
L.

In my case the other person is a guy my wife had an affair with. He has no remorse or bad feeling. He is happy he got the chance to have an affair with my wife. It would even give him more pleasure to know that I didn't like it. So it is useless to go after the other person. Just see what you can do with your spouse. The other people could care less. They had a good time and they don't want to be annoyed by an upset spouse. They will more than likely tell you off or laugh at you. My wife said the other guy would just laugh. It's a hard thing to take but concentrate on something more productive.

Terrified,<p>Yup...you have the gist of my story right. The 1998 holidays really stank! It wasn't fun pretending everything was peachy-keen in front of my family when I was dying inside.<p>As for recovery....we've been at this for over two and a half years. Sadly, we've fallen back into some bad patterns and are having problems. They aren't really due to the affair though...more just unmet ENs and LBs that are causing me to withdraw. I just posted in EN asking for some suggestions as to how I can snap out of it.<p>Anyway...we don't have any children together, although my H has a son who doesn't live with us. This child has known me since he was four (he's almost 11 now) and considers me part of his family. I know it's not the same as having your own children who are asking tough questions though [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When I say become the best YOU, I mean get in touch with how you would like to be as a person and a wife. This is how I interpreted Plan A. I had become lazy before the A. I complained a lot about having to cook and clean house. So after D-Day I made sure he had clean clothes and a hot meal at night. I also found new activities to be interested in. Things that would feed my soul and creativity. I wanted to find happiness within myself. <p>One thing I didn't do was condone what he was doing. I made it very clear that his carrying on with the OW was not acceptable. He didn't know it but I did have a time limit. If he had not broken it off when he did I would have gone to Plan B soon after. <p>I don't know if you have read Dr. Phil McGraw's books but they have been essential in helping me. I would highly recommend them.<p>One last thing...when the A was in full swing, I was so worn down that I developed a chest infection. I wasn't taking care of myself like I should have been. I know you have a child who depends on you. Part of that is you staying strong for her. You can't be strong for her if you are ill. Please take care of yourself. Make yourself eat well and take vitamins. Try to get enough rest, even if that means going to the doctor if you are having trouble sleeping. <p>Take care of yourself now. I'm keeping you in my prayers [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>VL