I am writing this here because I am at a lose for words. I have been married now for 13 years. we have 2 beautiful children. But I have a wife that just does not want to fulfill he part of this marriage. my wife I feel is very lucky she does not have to go out and work. I take the blunt of the work load by working 2 \jobs. This is so that she can be home with our children. I have ask her why she cannot keep a clean household, cook balanced meals, go out together alone. I live in a pigsty. She goes out daily and goes shopping spending money before I even make it. I have put up with this for 5 years. Now I am getting burnt out from working so much overtime that I just cannot do it anymore. I finally closed our checking account and opened a new one in my name only to get our money situation back in order. We have absolutely no love life. When my days off come around I ask her if she would like to go out just the two of us and she says I am too tired. When I am home she goes to bed at 8pm. leaving me by myself. She doesn't even want me to sleep in the same bedroom with her.she has put my pillows on the couch for the past 3 1/2 years. I have suggested we go to a marriage counselor and she refuses. I am not going to those stupid people she replies. I have been going now for about 5 months by myself. The children can see that there is something wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just feel that I am being used. She will never just sit down and talk. and when we do talk and she hears something she doesn't like she sticks her fingers in her ears and starts saying " I am not listening to you LALALALALALALALALALALA.Even during the day when I come home from my school bus run she calls a friend and then leaves. "Sorry",I drive a school bus in the mornings and afternoons 7am to 9am,and 1pm to 3pm and work at the post office from 4pm to 1230am. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT I AM DOING WRONG? I am confused! My children they are 11 year old boy and a 8 year old girl. neither of them depend on mommy. especially when they are sick they come to dad. I have asked her to find a job. She has replied your the man you are supposed to be the bread winner. I spend as much time as possible with the children. Especially on the weekends. I also cook and clean on the weekends. I really have no time for anything else. I have tried to get my wife to just do something. but it seems hopeless. She does not even wash my clothes . She does take care of the childrens clothing. But throws mine into a pile and leaves them there for me. She states that she is noones slave. She does bring the children to school each day and picks them up each day. Does not help with homework unless my children call me at work and ask for help. Believe if I was home at night I would be right there to help them both. I love my children and I love them both the same. My wife treats and lets my son get away with murder but my daughter can never seem to do anything right. I have never treated my chilodren differently. always the same. I always tell them talk to your mother with respect or you will be punished. My wife for some reason cannot show any type of emotion anymore. Maybe it is because all her friends are divorced! I do not know I am guessing. I used to fight with her in front of the children but about a year ago I stopped. As far as the pillows on the couch. every night I sleep there. Or sometimes I find my son on the couch and I sleep in his room. Sex is out of the question. twice this year feb, jul. last year maybe 3 times not sure. but not very often. Sometimes I wonder how we had kids. Before we were married it seemed like 3-4 times a week. no hugs, kisses even when I go to work. Boy I sometimes do not know where I get my strength. as far as holding my emotions in. Cheating was on my mind but I feel that doesn't solve anything but giving me possibly two problems. I watch my father cheat on my mother and they finally divorced. I do not want to do that. I have tried just about everything I can think of is there anything anyone can suggest. Or do I just quit?

Bigk -<p>How old was your W when you married? It sounds to me like she is treating you like her father, not her husband. The guy that takes care of everything, brings in the money, but lets you pretty much do what you want. At the very least I would say your W is VERY immature. I'm sure all of us would like to have no responsibility and live like we are 16 for the rest of our lives, but when you get married and especially have children, it is time to grow up. I don't know what advice to give besides maybe telling her how you view your relationship and asking her how she views it. If that doesn't work I guess you could start acting like a father and ground her. Or maybe a rule like no going out until your chores are done [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry I couldn't be more help<p>Jen

Is it possible that your W is depressed and has such low functioning because of that? Was there a time when she functioned better? Did something happen, a personal crisis of some kind, that may have precipitated this downhill slide?<p>I ask all this because I was grieving for two years and was unable to function at my normal level. My husband had some of the complaints you voiced. So, just in case your W is feeling anything like I did then, I'll try to share how I felt.<p>It is like being in cement and no matter how much you want to move and do the things you know you should be doing and even desperately want to do, you just feel paralyzed. During this time instead of listening to my grief, my H didn't want to talk about it, just wanted to forget about it. I felt totally abandoned and rejected by him. He would rage at me and the children about the messy house, and it would just make me feel worse.<p>I wanted him to care more about me than the house. I wanted him to HELP me with the house and everything else I was suffering through. I felt like I was dying inside and he didn't care, and it seemed all he wanted to do was punish me for being a bad housekeeper. I felt totally unloved and rejected.<p>I went to therapy and eventually worked through the grief and started putting myself back together and getting back to normal. It was when I was getting noticeably more functional, vibrant, and alive that my H had an A and left me. Too little, too late, I guess for him. I think he was actually angry I got myself back together because he then no longer had an excuse for the A and what he did to me. Now, I get to go through yet another grief process.<p>Now, the most important advice I can give you is DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR! My H convinced himself that I didn't love him because we were so withdrawn from each other. What he misinterpreted as rejection was me just trying to protect myself from his rage and lack of care. I loved him and wanted him all along and was in constant pain because of his disapproval and rejection of me. So, don't assume your W doesn't care about you even if that is what it looks and sounds like, and don't assume she won't be devastated to be replaced with an affair.<p>You are helping with the housework and kids even with your 2 jobs, which is more than my H did for me, so I totally commend you for that! My best guess without knowing what is in your W's mind, but knowing how mine worked at the time, is that you are LBing her big time and that is reinforcing and worsening her reactions to you.<p>LBs (Love Busters) are disrespectful judgments (when you say, "I live in a pigsty", she is probably hearing, "You are a pig!" which shatters the spirit), selfish demands (you may not categorize your demands as selfish [and maybe none of us would either!], but if her needs are not being met, then it will feel that way to her), and angry outbursts.<p>It sounds like you are the spouse willing to try right now, so are you willing to hang on for a while longer and do what may seem impossible and totally unfair? If your W is feeling unloved and rejected by you (as I KNOW you are feeling as well), the first step is to stop all LBs--no more disrespectful judgments, demands, or angry outbursts. Read the "Basic Concepts" on this website, and you will get a good idea of what you need to do to hopefully get the ball rolling.<p>If your W is willing, have her fill out the LB and EN questionnaires, so you can target what you need to stop doing and what you need to do to meet her most important emotional needs. If you put forth your best effort at this, she may surprise you and you may start seeing the woman you fell in love with. Set a period of time for this project and try to be faithful to it no matter how hard and no matter how unfair. If she starts turning around and seems interested and willing, then you can give her YOUR filled-out questionnaires so she can do for you what you've done for her.<p>Change has to start with one of you, and unfortunately it frequently falls to the partner who seems to be the most downtrodden to take the first step. If my H had done even a little bit to meet my needs for Admiration and Conversation, I would have been drawn back to him and given him what he needed and wanted from me, and the A would have never happened. So, please try the MB techniques first because an A will only make things worse--I still don't know if my marriage will survive, so I see you as having the chance we didn't take, so I urge you not to waste it.<p>I know how hard it is to do this as I'm there myself--This person has hurt me beyond belief, yet I have to cater to HIS needs while he ignores mine!?! If you can't force yourself for any other reason, do it for your children, and that will help you get through any aversion you may have.<p>If you think your W's state of mind might be similar to where I was, I'd be happy to answer any questions that you think may help you understand it better. I just know that when my H raged about the messy house when I was already feeling so inadequate, it felt like a knife in my heart.<p>Conqueror