Well, I've read and read and read and.... <p>I've made quite a few mistakes over the last couple of weeks since my discovery of the A (demands, temper, LB, etc...), but tonight, W and I are having dinner. I'm making a couple of her favorites.<p>Let the fun of Plan A begin (of course, I'm pretty enthusiastic right now, but in some weeks????).<p>I just read (in a day, and that NEVER happens) "When a Mate Wants Out" by Conway & Conway. It's very reinforcing of the concepts presented here, and gives much prayerful advice/guidance. I'd recommend it to any BS.<p>I'm thinking of leaving it laying around in hopes that W will pick it up and maybe read it....I've given her several articles/web sites over the last couple of weeks and she's seemed appreciative, but I'm not even going to mention it, just have it accessible to her. Eventually, if she returns, I'll suggest it as a way to begin rebuilding (then I'd be happy to let anyone here read it).<p>Wish us luck!
kev

kev - good luck.<p>Please remember that your W may really withdraw when faced with any educational efforts by you. Always err on the side of NOT trying to educate if you're in doubt about her mindset. Instead of leaving the information in obviously conspicuous locations, please consider making it less conspicuous. You MUST not make it feel to her that you're forcing stuff on her.<p>Also, remember your normal thought processes won't work while trying to analyze her actions/reactions. <p>Plan A is frought with opportunities for you to LB. Avoiding LBs is the single most important thing you need to do - and the hardest.<p>Again, good luck.

Believe me, I know about the difficulties in not LB'ing. That's all I've done over the last couple of weeks. I've done some incredibly hurtful things that hopefully she can eventually forgive....I feel confident that she CAN, if/when she chooses to because she's always been a forgiving person.<p>You're saying that I shouldn't hide the book under her dinner plate? HMMMM. You're probably right, for now. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will give it ALL serious consideration (even though I'm trying to keep a light heart).<p>Thanks!
Kev

kevco,<p>When I counseled with Steve Harley, he told me NOT to try to educate my then-H. I had been giving him the books, sharing info I was learning, etc., and it turned out these were major LB's. As Steve told me, "Your H definitely has something to learn, but it can not come from you. The cost of educating the WS comes at too high a price for the BS." Steve told me to only share information with him if he asked for it. <p>My understanding of this from Steve is that it comes across as a LB - disrespectful judgement on the BS's part.<p>The good news is that YOU can continue to learn. Plan A your heart out. No matter how the dust settles in the end, acts of kindness and self-improvement are efforts that are never wasted.<p>Good Luck, Desiree

Desiree,
Do you think asking WS to fill out the LB and EN questionnaires might fall into the category of educating?<p>My WS has already refused to read SAA and had nothing but disdain for the information in chapter 5 that I read to him. He originally said he wanted to do "ANYTHING" to rebuild the marriage, but when it comes down to actually DOING anything (quit job where OW is coworker, STD tests, talk about the A and the STD he gave me, marriage counseling), he digs in his heels and says he's going to do it his way and will not follow anyone's script, including mine.<p>So I've backed off and don't mention the A or any rebuilding efforts and figured out I have to do plan A instead. I was thinking I should have him fill out the LB and EN questionnaires to help me do a good plan A, but now I'm not so sure. I did mention that I was going to print them off for him, but he hasn't mentioned them or asked about them, so maybe I'll just let things lie for now.<p>He has expressed hostility regarding Dr. Harley and doesn't care how many marriages he's saved because Dr. Harley doesn't know him and that he's different and all that. Sad how they don't see how exactly alike they all are in their behaviors. What I've observed and experienced so far (1 mo. post D-day) clearly underlines what Steve Harley told you about the WS resenting any education from the BS, so I've shut up.<p>And after reading this thread I'm going to gather up all the books I've been reading and hide them somewhere out of sight so they won't provoke him and only read them when he's not around, just as I only visit this site when he's not around.<p>Conqueror

Just a quick update on the Day 1 of Plan A.<p>I didn't give her the book, never really intended to. But it did pop up in conversation. She asked what I'd been doing and I said that I'd read a couple of very good books (one of them in a day--VERY UNUSUAL FOR ME, freaking slow reader). She was surprised and asked what book it was. I told her it was a self help guide and that she probably wasn't in a place to want to read it, she agreed.<p>All in all, a decent night. She vented a little about my transgressions of the last couple of weeks (some pretty embarassing LB's - like a parental intervention, oops). I told her that I took full responsibility and had no excuse for my actions/words/demands. I told her that I was SO sorry and that I didn't expect her to forgive me any time soon.<p>Anyway, she covered her plans for her first counselling session, I hope the counsellor is compassionate to me. It would make a HUGE difference if she hears some of the same things I've been trying to tell her from a professional. Like end the affair until you have things figured out, give your marriage a chance, see if you can reclaim some of the feeling for your husband (just some at first), etc.... Don't know if that'll transpire, but my therapist suggested that some of those whould be HIS advice to her. fingers crossed.<p>I guess that's not to say that she won't ignore that also, but she's said that she'd be receptive to a pro's advice and follow it.<p>I didn't LB at all (that I know of, anyway), plus I'm sure I gave her some good thoughts because I'm a pretty good cook -If I do say so myself [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] And she loves my cheesecake! Plus she actually wore her wedding ring (hopeful joy there).<p>Ok, that's enough for now.<p>Thank you all for your support.<p>Prayers of strength, compassion, clarity to all!<p>Kev<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

kevco, you are doing great! Keep on learning for yourself. When and if she ever becomes ready to learn, you can share what you have learned with her at that point.<p>Conqueror, it never hurts to ask your WS to fill these out. However, from what you are saying, it sounds as if he will refuse to do so. My ex-H also refused to fill them out. Like yours, he sneered at all the Harley approach, and other's, also believeing that he and his OW were somehow different and special. However, once, he was willing to discuss the EN's, so in the end, I was able to get the information I did need.<p>So, even if your H won't fill out the paperwork or dicuss these with you, I do believe that it is still possible for you to get a better understanding of your H's EN's and what he considers LB's by taking the time to digest feedback you receive from him on all your interactions. Pay attention! And, then of course, take the time to make the neccessary changes once you get the feedback. These efforts won't be wasted, because you will be learning how to be a better partner.<p>Pulling for ya! Desiree