I don't know if any of you have read my story that I posted on Oct. 22nd called the "Internet Affair." It's been a month since my husband found out about it and although we've made great progress I seem to always feel like I'm on trial!!
Now why is that?? It seems like I take 2 steps forward & about 5 backwards somedays!! I know that I have no one else to blame but myself for my husband's mistrust, but someday's I could literally just scream!! We had another incident last night & another one today! First come the questions ... then the "grilling" starts. I feel like I'm 12 years old again! I make matters worse for myself by lieing to him! Why lie, you ask? I don't know why! It's not like I have anything to hide! It's just that when he starts giving me ultimatums, I find that really hard! What should I do? Just roll over? Don't get me wrong here, I love my husband with all my heart, I just don't know what to do anymore! I just want my life back!

Sandra,
What are you doing to make your H feel safe again? Do you still have the computer in the house? Do you still use it ?
You are going to have to be patient with your H. He needs to feel that this is over... not just words. Actions from you are what he needs. What kind of grilling is he doing ? Does he want to know the details about the A ? He probably will have more questions as the days go on, as he thinks and worries about it happening again. Its a long process to mend the damage this has caused. Its not going to happen overnight. And one conversation about it is not all its going to take either. Be patient. Reassure him everyday that you love him. Spend as much time as you can with him. Answer his questions as best you can without being mean and then add that reassurance in at the end. Touch him and hold him lots. Plan dates with him alone... go away for the weekend. He is still hurting... help him get through this.
Juice

I couldn't find your story. Can you point me in the right direction?

Slow Down! It will take a lot more time than just ONE MONTH for him to trust you again! If you think YOU are uncomfortable, you should feel the HELL that he is living through. And he doesn't even deserve this. You do! You are simply suffering the consequences of your behavior. He did nothing. <p>You have hurt him badly and it will take alot of time for you to rebuild trust with him. It is a big shock to discover the person you love cannot be trusted. Don't expect him to trust you again until you have proven yourself. <p>And the way to do that is to NOT get defensive when he asks questions. Try and be as open as possible and try to understand the hell he is going through. You must be willing to answer all of his questions and be ready for triggers that will set off his antennae. It took me about a YEAR to learn to trust my H again and it was only because I had absolute proof that he had been good.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lexxxy:
<strong>I couldn't find your story. Can you point me in the right direction?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You can find the story in the discussion forum under Emotional Needs. There is 2 pages to it. Thank you for your interest in my story. Have a nice day!!

Sandra,<p>your H needs help to deal with his mistrust and learn to avoid LB ing. He can't get this from you but a professional counsellor would help. Is there a chance that he'd visit one? That, or arrange a session with Steve Harley.<p>I've been in counselling with my W and it really does help to discuss the issues with a neutal, objective third party. The danger is that if you don't take action you'll stay in the spiral. His abusive, judgemental behaviour is not something you'll be able to live with for very long.<p>- Freddy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Juice248:
<strong>Sandra,
What are you doing to make your H feel safe again? Do you still have the computer in the house? Do you still use it ?
You are going to have to be patient with your H. He needs to feel that this is over... not just words. Actions from you are what he needs. What kind of grilling is he doing ? Does he want to know the details about the A ? He probably will have more questions as the days go on, as he thinks and worries about it happening again. Its a long process to mend the damage this has caused. Its not going to happen overnight. And one conversation about it is not all its going to take either. Be patient. Reassure him everyday that you love him. Spend as much time as you can with him. Answer his questions as best you can without being mean and then add that reassurance in at the end. Touch him and hold him lots. Plan dates with him alone... go away for the weekend. He is still hurting... help him get through this.
Juice</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Juice,
I reassure my H daily of my love for him. Yes we still have the computer in the house but we have disconnected the internet for the time being. He grills me most days of how long I'm on the internet at work, etc. & if I've thought about the OM that I had the internet affair with. My H knows all the details about the A. It took him 2 solid weeks of asking daily before we covered everything. Yes there were SOOOO many questions that were asked, but everything for the most part finally got covered! (Including ALL the lies!!) Yes I do realize that it's going to be a long process to mend the damage but I'm certainly NOT going to give up! I NEVER ever plan to put my husband through anything like that again & I for one will NEVER do something that stupid again! Once was too much for me! So I've definitely learned a lesson here! We are planning to go away together, but for right now we are going to make a point of spending MORE time together daily. Last night ended up being a really good evening for us! We went out for supper & talked (certainly
was lots to talk about!!), watched a movie together & then went to bed EARLY! Yes the evening definitely ended on a positive note! Praise the Lord!! Thanks for your support Juice, I
really appreciate it!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Slow Down! It will take a lot more time than just ONE MONTH for him to trust you again! If you think YOU are uncomfortable, you should feel the HELL that he is living through. And he doesn't even deserve this. You do! You are simply suffering the consequences of your behavior. He did nothing. <p>You have hurt him badly and it will take alot of time for you to rebuild trust with him. It is a big shock to discover the person you love cannot be trusted. Don't expect him to trust you again until you have proven yourself. <p>And the way to do that is to NOT get defensive when he asks questions. Try and be as open as possible and try to understand the hell he is going through. You must be willing to answer all of his questions and be ready for triggers that will set off his antennae. It took me about a YEAR to learn to trust my H again and it was only because I had absolute proof that he had been good.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Point well taken!! Yes I DO know that I'm suffering from the consequences of my behavior. Hey, I know I deserve it! I NEVER ever plan to put my H through something like that again & I NEVER ever plan to do anything SO stupid again either! I definitely have learned from my mistake! Once was TOO much for me!<p>We are planning to go away together, but for right now we planning to spend more quality time together on a daily basis. I know some days will be better then other days, but I'm certainly NOT going to give up! I know it will take a while before my H will fully trust me again, but I know he will. The biggest thing for me is to quit all the lieing! Why lie when there is absolutely nothing to hide! (And I use to scold my children on that very same thing!)<p>I know that with God's help & the love we have for one another, my husband & I will make this work! We are both NOT willing to throw away 25 years of marriage.<p>Have a good evening & a GREAT week-end!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong>Sandra,<p>your H needs help to deal with his mistrust and learn to avoid LB ing. He can't get this from you but a professional counsellor would help. Is there a chance that he'd visit one? That, or arrange a session with Steve Harley.<p>I've been in counselling with my W and it really does help to discuss the issues with a neutal, objective third party. The danger is that if you don't take action you'll stay in the spiral. His abusive, judgemental behaviour is not something you'll be able to live with for very long.<p>- Freddy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Freddy,
I have always told him that he should go & talk to someone. He claims that he doesn't need to! I have people that I can talk to (wonderful Christian friends). I keep encouraging him that he should talk to one of his friends if need be, but he doesn't want them thinking badly of me. I don't care if they would. I just know that he should have someone to talk to! I would love if we could both get councelled by Mr. Harley (he seems like such a WONDERFUL man) but unfortunately we live in Canada! I do plan on looking into some really good Christian Councellors in our area though. Thanks for your support! Have a GREAT week-end!

Hi Sandra, <p>Glad you are here. Just a quick note, you can counsel with Steve or Jennifer via the phone. We have used it and I like the phone counseling service. The price range is the usual amount charged by most counselors. <p>Click on the counsel indicator under the marriage builders header at the top of your screen. <p>Take care,
L.