D-Day 9/14. WS moved out of home 9/22. The r/ship between us has been OK i guess with early contact by me having a few LB's. The LBing on my part stopped errr...2 weeks ago, and I've just tried to concentrate on being neutral. W knows that I've forgiven her and that I love her, and has acknowledged that A is over. I can't, don't, and won't check up on her to see if this is true or not, and that's hard after all the lies and deception, but I ain't gunna do it. The thing is that I am feeling that if I act positive towards her anymore (tell her I love her, etc), I feel like I'm going to be pressuring her, but if I act even remotely negatively...well I'll be on the LBing trail again. Is being neutral an acceptable way to go in Plan A? I'd be happy to concentrate on her EN's, but I'm so scared of opening up to her again. I had dinner at her place a week ago and took her a big bunch of roses. And, I told her that the roses were for 'her' from 'me'. Should I maybe continue to let her know I care in this way? She says that she wants to work on reconciling, but it just feels like i'm in limbo at the moment and not knowing which way to be towards her. Any clues, kids?

Hi Snert!<p>I noticed that you are in Melbourne too. I am in Croydon, where are you?<p>I think you need to read up a little more about Plan A, because one of the things you should be doing is meeting your W's emotional needs, and not LB'ing. Meeting her needs cannot be LB'ing...<p>This is because you have to assess her current needs, not the ones you know she HAD. For example, she may have loved being hugged, but she doesn't want that now...don't do it now, because NOW it is a LB. Maybe she wants you to do some fixing work for her...do it. Maybe she needs a ride. Do that. If she liked the flowers, do that again, if not, don't.<p>
I hope that helped a bit!<p>
Love and light,<p>Jacky

Afternoon Jacky<p>Hah...I grew up in Sth Croydon...on Bayswater Rd. Small world. I live in Ormond BTW. Anyway, yeaup I know where you're coming from re the LBing. I guess the hard part is knowing what her EN's are and how to provide for them. I think that all the things you mention, hugging/flowers etc are all EN's and yeah I'll continue to do them. I think the one of the main EN's for her is a respect for her career (which I have always had), I just believe that she puts it too far in front of her family in terms of priority. And, in the past this has been a disrespectful judgement on my part. Well, the last few times she's talked about it...instead of dismissing it with contempt, I have just listened quietly. I acknowledge that this has been a LB from me in the past (along with others), and I have gone a looong way to stopping them. Look, I know what you are saying is true, but it's a difficult call. I'll do what I can to looking to her EN's and hopefully meeting them. I just have to be careful not to overdo it.<p>Snerty

Snert,<p>Small world...I spent some of my childhood in this area, too, but moved around a lot since. Back with my parents now, heading for Mooroolbark in a week.<p>Someone else hopefully will back me up here when I say that you cannot overdo meeting your W's emotional needs...you don't have to make a big song and dance about it, just do it, and let her notice.<p>I also used to think about stuff I could do without being asked...like, I picked up his parcels from the PO when the card arrived instead of giving it to him during his visits, I would keep some dinner for him to take home, I was always available to talk and I made sure I did it nocely, and looked good at the same time.<p>Why do you think it will be difficult? You are scared of saying stuff? Bite your tongue nearly in two before you utter a LB. Yes it is HARD, but you will feel better for not doing it.

Sounds like your W is willing to try reconciliation. My thought is that maybe because she's at least receptive, maybe you can ASK her what her EN are. Doesn't have to be anything formal like the EN checklist, but you should review that to get some ideas. Then, you'll at least know what your goals are. I'm not exactly sure on that idea and I'd probably seek additional advice on this topic herein.<p>Second, read up on "active listening", that will help a lot in determining your progress. The basic concepts are to actually listen to the other person when they're speaking (not devising your rebuttal). After they've finished and it's your turn, then you can take a thoughtful moment to determine your response. EYE CONTACT, read her body language (when she's speaking, as well as when you are). Repeat/reaffirm what they say to be sure there are no misunderstandings, and to possibly trigger further input from the other person. These will give you clues.<p>Good luck, my prayers are with you.
Kev<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

snert,<p>Why are you trying to be neutral? Is she pushing you away?<p>During my Plan A I told my W that I loved her as often as I could. At the time she asked me not to say this to her. She said the words would wear out !!!!! I ask you. So, I LB'ed by continuing to do what I thought was right. But it was too much for her to manage.<p>I also gave my wife flowers - which she loved and never turned away. But that didn't help my case though.<p>For the BS, I think it's right to meet the WS's needs but the costs are very high. To offset this drain, the BS should set some boundaries of what's acceptable to them. What they can live with. Finding a balance between meeting the WS's needs and their love for their S comes down to discussion and perhaps negotiation.<p>An MB principle you could use here is the one about Radical Honesty. I differ from some on the board in that I don't think radical honesty extends to telling your wife she's a ***** when you think she's being one. It's about telling your wife how you feel about a situation at the time. Not waiting for a convenient moment. It also means that you should ask her what her views are and how she feels about something.<p>Why not start a discussion with her along the lines of: 'I'd like to give you flowers, how would you feel about that?', 'I'd like to tell you how I feel about you, would that work for you?'<p>good luck,<p>- Freddy<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>