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I'm new here and new to the MB concepts. Dh is listening to h.n.h.n's on tape and I have already listened to them.<p>Briefly, he had a 1-night stand appx 4yrs ago and has believed that they conceived a child together. Come to find out, the child may not be his (i am praying!). I only found out in June.<p>My dh's 2nd EN is for sex (actually, it's probably his first, but he didn't want to put that down!). It seems to me that he figures if he hugs and kisses me enough, I'll want to have sex. Which makes sense, I suppose. It just seems like he's giving me affection, not for the sole purpose of affection, but in order for me to want to have sex.<p>I was at the bottom of the roller coaster the other night and wrote him a long letter about how stupid and betrayed I feel. I don't understand what kind of person would let the person that they claim to love most in the world, walk around and look so damn stupid! I actually became friends with the ow (not knowing of course), asked her to bring her child over and play with my kids, my dh's aunt babysits for the child. So many people knew about this child! Dh was such a coward about the whole thing that he just waited for someone else to tell me. <p>So, he reads this letter in the morning. He's mad at me for writing it, but doesn't say so. He won't kiss me good-bye on the lips, just the forehead..very passive-agressive. He comes home from work and bought me a candle. That was very nice. He then starts to grab at me and bug me for sex. Like I owe him sex for the candle or something. I had to get ready for work (pm shift) and told him that we'd make love when I got home from work. He told me only if you feel like it. <p>Well, I got home from work and I didn't feel like it. We never talked about my feelings in my letter and I just didn't feel like anything was resolved or understood or anything. Now he's all mad again! How am I supposed to feel like it? I guess at one point after finding out we were making love like we had just met. We made love more times in one week than we had in the previous year. Why can't I do that now? If I don't, then he will be unhappy and I risk losing him to another woman? I am also a victim of molestation by my father(as a young girl) and feel that that has affected me a great deal, but I don't really know in what way and dh certainly never thinks about that.<p>Can anyone help me to sort this out? We are trying to heal from this, but I really don't know how I can. The pain is so intense sometimes and I just don't think that my husband can ever understand that.

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One thing that may help is to understand that what nonsexual affection is to you is what sexual affection is to him. At least it sounds that way. If you try to get behind his eyes and under his skin and feel the need the way he feels it, that he just basically wants to feel loved, it may help you empathize and be more willing to show that type of affection to him.<p>If he's like my H, he's not just looking to scratch an itch, he really NEEDS to feel that you love and accept and value him, especially after he's committed such grievous wrongs against you. It is how he HEARS that.<p>Do whatever you can to make it enjoyable and soothing for you, and that can also help. Use lots of touch, take the lead in that if necessary. Use scented oils to massage each other. Fill up all your senses with pleasant things like that.<p>Think back to when you WERE making love a lot, and try to remember what he was doing and what you were doing differently then and try to do that again. What helped you be in the mood then?<p>Conqueror

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There's a good article in the Q&A about sexual aversion with some steps to overcome it. Take a read and best wishes.<p>Kev

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Thank you. I will check out the Q&A part.<p>Actually, I will tell you why I was in the mood more often. I think it was that we were talking so much about everything. He was telling me his feelings and I was telling him mine. We were sharing and listening. <p>Ugggg, this is so hard!

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There is a chapter in "After the Affair" (Abrahms Spring) entitled "Sex Again". It addresses the issue very well.<p>Good luck,<p>OneDay

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tinlizzy:
<strong>My dh's 2nd EN is for sex (actually, it's probably his first, but he didn't want to put that down!). It seems to me that he figures if he hugs and kisses me enough, I'll want to have sex. Which makes sense, I suppose. It just seems like he's giving me affection, not for the sole purpose of affection, but in order for me to want to have sex.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Dear tinlizzy,<p>I can relate to your post soooo much. That is EXACTLY how my H used to be. I desparately needed affection and the only times he touched me or let me touch him is if it would lead to sex. Man was THAT frustrating.<p>I really have no expert advice to give you except:<p>1) Get couseling...either for you alone or for you and him. He needs to be encouraged to be more open and honest with you and maybe an outside person (counselor) could help him with that.<p>2) DO NOT...DO NOT...DO NOT....let this "no sex/no affection" cycle go on very long. No it won't necessarily cause him to have an affair. But...and I'm speaking from my own experience....that one area (esp. for a man) is soooo crucial to all other areas of the relationship it seems, esp. if it's his most important EN.<p>My H and I got in that bad cycle about the third year of our marriage and we never talked about it, never addressed, just thought it would get better, etc. <p>We've been separated two years and heading for a divorce.<p>If there was ONE thing I DEFINATELY know I would have changed if I could go back, it's that I would had found a way to make love with him every time he wanted to. I think so many things hinged on that one area for my H. And I think he would have been a happier person all around and maybe more willing to meet my EN.<p>Anyway, this is just my own personal experience and 20/20 hindsight.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O<p>(PS What does dh stand for? Dumb husband?...Ooops just asking.... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

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Ms.O, would you *really* have had sex with him *every* time?!!! Wow! Sometimes it seems that they pick the worst times!!!! LOL! <p>I am trying. I also told dh that I don't think that I felt sexual because he wasn't willing, or hadn't offered to talk about things. I really do think that he's trying, he's just not naturally a talker. Well, maybe naturally he is, but he learned that children should be seen and not heard!<p>DH stands for DumbHusband, DarlingHusband, DamnHusband, or whatever "D" word works for you at the time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for your input!<p>peace~

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TinLizzy,
Sounds like the sharing of feelings is the key for you. Have you tried writing about your feelings and him doing the same? Not any events or facts or judgments or complaints or anything like that, but just feelings and describing the feeling?<p>Try to zero in on what your strongest feeling is about the sexual issue and try to describe it in writing. If you can think of an experience he has had where he may have felt the same or an experience you had together where you both felt the same, relate it to that. He can do the same with his strongest feeling about your sexual issues together. That may help you both develop a deeper understanding of each other in this area, and empathy always helps with intimacy.<p>Retrouvaille really helped H and I with this. We used to write letters to each other all the time, and it didn't help because we were so focused on the problem and not each other's feelings about the problem.<p>Conqueror

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tinlizzy:
<strong>Ms.O, would you *really* have had sex with him *every* time?!!! Wow! Sometimes it seems that they pick the worst times!!!! LOL! </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, I don't know how well I would have succeeded, but I sure would have tried more, esp. knowing what I know now, that that was a REALLY important need for him, despite what he said at the time.<p>And yes, they do pick the worst times...my H used to come to bed about 2-3 hours after me, which typically was about 1:00pm. He would want me to WAKE UP and get it on. That is really the only time he REALLY wanted it. Other times, he would also do it, but he always wanted it in the middle of the night. Sometime I felt like all I was was a life-size sleeping pill for him!<p>I, on the other hand, am a incredibly light sleeper and once I get woken up, have a heck of a getting back to sleep. It was a problem for us.<p>I guess what I was trying to say is if that is your H's most important need, fill it as often as you can.<p>Looking back, I wish I would have sought medical help for my "lack of desire." Don't know if there are many options out there for women, but I would have at least sought them out. I'm still gonna have to do that someday probably; don't know too many men who don't list sex as one of the top 1 or 2 needs.<p>Don't get me wrong....I like it too. It's just not that high on my list. I'm thinking now that if my natural physical desire were higher and I had been more willing to do it more often, then meeting that need for him may have, in the long run, allowed him (or fulfilled him enough) to be more willing to meet my EN.<p>Just a thought....
Aloha,
Ms.O<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>


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