As much as I have tried to hold it in, the damn broke & I made big Love Bust this morning!!<p>I assume that most of you that would read this have an understanding of my situation & background, and the struggles of the last week or so, but if not, you can get this from my last thread: "Perfection vs. Preference" <p>Yesterday morning she (my Darling W) continues (from other examples I offered in other thread) her criticism of me by mocking a little ritual I do when I am ready to leave for work in the morning -- I'll come into the bedroom to give her a goodby hug and peck on the cheek ; (me to her, rarely reciprocal; it is special that she allows me to be close, if we're not actually making love! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). I'll many times also ask her about how I look, (she'll say I'm fishing for a compliment, which is right actually & she'll tell you I am way too needy. Perhaps so on this issue) -- I know, this sounds really gay! She typically has suggestions for me with my dress anyway, but I want to solicit her opinion, so it doesn't become a nag from her to me. Also, I had identified a need that I like a few compliments & some affection. She also begins resisting the idea of a little affection with a good bye peck on the check; with the way she has been, I am a little irritated & I make satirical comments about how it must really be hard for her & she turns it into a playful thing. <p>Last night after our love making she begins complaining how I am holding her & she starts mocking me again & trying to demonstrate to me how I have her pinned down & she can’t move. To go back a little -- As we were starting the love making, she playfully suggested that I am always horny & I told her it was her fault that she looked so good. She says, “See, Physical Attractiveness does matter!” I asked, what is your point? She says that I had always said it did not matter. I replied that she knew I liked how she looked, I am always telling her this! It made me wonder, I always remember a time which I now know was during the A's & in a review of Harley's EN, she had made a point that Physical Attractiveness was important to her; Since D/D, I lost 25 lbs., but I'm still 51! Her two OM in the A's were 32 & 36 Hmmm, I'm wondering, am I not appealing to her. Now, back to her posture with me about my cuddling -- she continues in satirical tone, mocking me about things I say when we're making love. This throws up big triggers (magnified by these various outburst towards me over the past week) & I wonder if she is getting bored with my lovemaking & thinking she may want the excitement of the two young, construction type guys again or is there some new interest that she is starting to justify in her mind to pursue?! She sees that I am getting annoyed, so then she tries to makes it lighter. I can't help but think of big triggers where she had described her A's as being exciting and they were definitely very lustful! I feel at a real loss that I am becoming real boring to her!<p>This morning she is getting ready & she turns on the Country Music channel like she normally does (again, this is a little trigger of mine that I fight with myself & normally it does not bother me. (she developed a big love for this music at the same time she carried on with the two country western type guys -- she says there is no correlation; too co-incidental for my brain at times). I know, this is my hang-up, I have to get over! -- she can listner to whatever type of music she wants. I make a fuse; I say, "I see you have your little rituals too?!" The battle starts! I tell her if she thinks she has it so bad, she can pack her bags; she gets very emotional -- says several things like, Why don't you send me away, & you do want me to leave!"; She then emphasized how she is in PMS & how she thought she had been doing good & that isn't she allowed a couple bad days?! I remind her of the incidents from last Thursday with laundry & leaves, then again her tirate with me on Monday & again last night. <p>I told her I am trying hard to work on me & to dismiss these things, but that I cannot always be a doormat! She said to give her a few more days until she starts her period & She says I have lived with her for 31 years, that I should be used to this! <p>I did say some pretty nasty things, like; "If you wanted you get attract a guy with a much better balance sheet & then maybe you would be happy then!" "If that is what you want, let's be honest & you can leave to pursue those things!" I know This is bad -- <p>I told her that she really had nerve; first she carries on with the A's, then she refuses marriage enrichment ideas & then she treats me like shXX! She said she thought she was doing much better & had been working to improve. I said, "You have improved & worked on things that YOU want to do, but it is all according to what you want to do!" (inferring I have no say in thre marrital relationship issues)<p>She repeated a line she has said before when we had spats, normlly around a dispute I have with how she is treating me -- I.E. argument about point in MB that she refuses to recognize. Here is where I need some interpretations, or feedback. She says she wants to stay, but I am making it too difficult to stay! Do you think I am being unreasonable or is she trying to work me?! She said she doesn't know how I want her to act. She doesn't think she can become the woman I want her to be. She says this many times I believe to make the point that she cannot change to meet some of my expressed needs, like show me a little respect & some affection. It is ironical she says this, when there have been basically four things that I have suggested we do to improve the marriage, which she just fights and makes it seem like I am making big demands & she exaggerates examples, but these are:
1) I have suggested more recreational things together like walk together, or the walk dog together, -- this summer, to go to pool (she preferred to go by herself wearing her bikini)-- she says I make it so she can't do these things by herself. With Counselors suggestions, I have agreed to give her space on these issues.
2) Show me some respect-- she most recently complained that she has right to voice her grievances to me. This is different than her outrage of slander?!
3) Show me some affection; at least allow me to give her a peck on the cheek with my goodbye in the morning; she reminded me that she sat close to me on coach on Sunday! One time in two months!
4) A little conversation during the day. I agreed in counseling to be the independent type & she is to be more the pursuer -- In last three weeks she called around 4 times at end of the day to discuss dinner plans. Otherwise, we have talked very little during the day or even on my cell on my way home.<p>Do I take her claim that she does not know what I want to remind her of these 4 things? <p>Put it in writing to her?<p>Do I dismiss all these issues simply as PMS, like she suggested & move on? I don't honestly remember the PMS symptoms lasting quite so long, 7-8 days is a bit much, don't you think?<p>She said it was just not me, that she has been having issues at work & with our D. She said in sarcastic tone that I have my message board here & my support group. I then asked if she wanted to see her Counselor? She said no, maybe I should schedule a session with my C (whom had been doing the couples thing with us).<p>Am I unrealistic & am I expecting perfection? <p>Another time, a few months back, this came to a similar head, so to speak & she said, she has not done anything wrong & if I did not like how it is going, I should be the one to move out. This is really stupid, but others have suggested plan B to me. I really don't want to do that, but if she calls my bluff & tries to end dispute with the idea that I should move out, any idea as to how to deal with that?<p>I believe that because she has not acted out & had another A, that I really don't have grounds to ask her to move out & that if I pursue that line, that I am being unreasonable ??
Perhaps I am being overly sensitive here & am expecting too much??<p>I am a basic conflict avoider I'm just trying to stand up for what I feel is a balance here. <p>Thanks for allowing still another big vent here! I know it must sound pathetic!<p>Need some help to get back to reality here.<p>Actally feel a lot better after this post, but thanks in advance for your patience her with my contining saga!
Peace,
HH<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>
