H deeply in the fog. Moved here not too long ago w/no family and few friends. Need to know from those who have endured, as I do, how long they had to experience the agony of their spouse's EA and after it has seen the light of day (discovery to friends, family, me, etc.) did it last? The OW is hiding behind false morality, utterly deceitful and it seems that only I am the person who sees her truly selfish, evil, manipulative behavior. She has even tried to tell my H to come back to me. Just a ploy to make herself seem so loving, kind, altruistic, etc. Says she is willing to give him up just to see him happy. Well, why has she lied and still in picture? Any time I ask or try to get the truth, I am perceived as a B or an insecure person. Am a proud mom, proud woman of Faith, and blessed with so many things. Experienced alot of hurt in my life, but much more blessings. Know I can make it on my own, if I have to, but I love my H more than he can know and am in so much confusion now. Have a wonderful counselor who has shown me so much, how to be strong in faith and love and wait. Have asked him to read this website, which has given me so much hope and strength to carry on. Pray & believe we can renew our love; for me, that has never changed. Wish only for a chance for him to want to work on things. More than willing to meet him 100%. Plan A
seems to be doing well, it's really like a way to live more than a plan to me. A way to show unconditional love. So hard, though, when you love someone so much and are powerless to do anything. Please let me know how long your time of pain lasted. <p> Also, if there are any OW or OM out there, do you really know what you're doing to others? What do you think you will really get from an EA and is it worth tearing up a family? To all OW and OM out there--Get it right with God, get it right with the other person. End the devastation. You will never really get what you want. Get yourself right w/God--others will not forget what you've done, but they may learn to forgive you soon or one day in the future. God can do the forgiving thing now. You can change.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground. And, after having done everything to stand." [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Not Peachy ~<p>I don't really have an answer for you - how long you suffer is dependent on you and your H.<p>You won't have a marriage to work on until your H ends the EA. You won't recover your marriage unless you both decide to take certain steps to heal and rebuild love.<p>Now, does this mean the ball is in his court? Not really. You can start working a plan A. This means taking a very hard reality based look at yourself. Weed out those things in yourself that led to the environment that your H felt it necessary to look elsewhere to fill his needs. Change those things that you did or didn't do to show him love to show your H that you can and will change, taking responsiblity for your part of the marriage.<p>Does that make you "to blame" for his affair? No. He is 100% responsible for his choice to carry on his affair. But you are both responsible for the condition of the marriage - the atmosphere - where one or both of you did not get your needs met, leaving one or both of you vulnerable to an affair.<p>Stick around, you'll get lots of help on this forum.

Dear Bramblerose,<p>Thanks for your kindness and encouagement. I am doing just as you have suggested, am seeing a counselor to work on the problems I have contributed to in our marriage. Am also working on myself too (bad stuff from childhood/early teens that was inflicted on me). Plan A has been the only plan so far. Like I said, it's just the way I'm going to live now, as long as I can do it, no deposits in my love bank yet, but making as many in his as I can. Maybe you can give advice on good A'ing. I am so encouraged from your story. I am so glad to hear you are in recovery. The affair lasted 18 months? Or were you just separated for that time period? How long did the A continue after everyone found out? <p>I will pray for you and your family so that healing will continue. I am and feel blessed to hear from another friend who has not only endured, but conquered. Thank you for giving me a glimmer of hope again. Will be praying for you guys alot. Thanks and hope to hear from you again.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand; and after doing everything, to stand." [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Also, forgot this important info: H moved out August 01. Living in apt. She has visited him there. He has visited her at her home. OW not and never married, no kids, w/ MO of doing this before with other M men, even tried an A w/ a husband's friend. I know the mutual friend and was appaled.<p>dated: 2 years
Married: 5 1/2 years
1 child 3yrs,
Separated: H moved out 9/01
In/Out of fog now
Holding hope & faith in my heart

GA<p>Dday was July 9 2001. My WH told me yesterday that it was over. OW has found OM and WH is really hurt. He has told her not to contact him and he will not contact her. I do hope he keeps his word. The last 3 month have been H_ll for me. I do think it was dying before she found OM. WH has not told me outright that he wants us to work but has led me to beleive this with other things he has said and done. Hope this helps <p>SLH

Dear Still Love Him,<p>Thank you for your own story. I am glad to see the hope for you both still there. He is probably in withdrawal over OW. Mine, I think, has been through this several times. On 2 other occasions, he has said he was not seeing her or that she was no longer taking his calls. She just played w/his mind. Pretty sure she did a jig of joy when my H moved out in 9/01. Thank yo for your words of encouragement also. <p>It has been 10 months now since affair has been going on and also, like you, it's been H*ll. One bright note today, took child to a fall festival at church. He laughed, giggled, rode rides, rode a pony and had good time. I try to focus on the happiness, whatever it is and no matter how small or how big. That and prayer is what gets me through the day. Have a few friends here, but do not want them to know what's going on because I still hope and pray for a fresh start for us and want him to feel like our new neighborhood and house can still be a "home" for us, should he desire to come back. To have friends, couple friends like we used to.<p>What's so rough right now is the horrible thought that what if he doesn't come to his senses? That we will just become another statistic. The idea that he would throw it all away without a real try, one involving both of us trying together (not just me seeing a counselor) is indescribable. Makes you feel like a worthless piece of garbage. I know God doesn't make garbage--we're made in His image, but I still feel so sad and despairing sometimes. Know now I can make it--good college degree and lots of faith and love for my child. That's enough just to survive on, although sometimes I wonder what I'm doing at all. Can someone just walk away from their family (sees his son 1x in last 2 weeks) and not have a conscience, not wish to change the horror of it, not at least want to try? That perplexes me so. Thanks to you and Bramblerose for your kindness and prayers. We sure can use them now and would also like to ask you both, and anyone else kind enough here, to pray for my H too. That God helps open his eyes to the love that is there for him unconditionaly, from both his family and God.

I'd like to hear more input on this topic. How long after D-Day are the A's lasting (obviously it's different in each case, but maybe some of us BS can get a feel for it).<p>Thnx,
Kev

Dear Kevco,<p>Would like to know more too. You and your family are in my prayers also. It is a hard fight when you have only the intangible to gain. You believe in your M, love your W or H and have to sit tight and wait for the ride to end. I told someone on this site, that what I'm doing is similar to advice an old physics professor gave me in college. We were talking about roller coasters. I hate the part where you're at the top and come flying down (used to be afraid of heights). He said, when they get too scary, just shut your eyes and all you'll feel is the rushing of wind. When you get your courage back, open them. One day, you'll be able to ride w/eyes wide open. So, for now, I'm riding this scary one with my eyes wide, shutting them now and then and holding on to God, who's sitting beside me on it. You can do it too. Get a good counselor, helps for me. Also, read "Love Must be Tough". Great book. Pray. Pray without ceasing. The OM is very selfish. All of them are. Stay back, watch at a distance, and keep up doing what you're doing. Looks like you're way ahead in progress when compared to my situation. Please continue to pray for us. Halloween was a very hard night for me. Cried for 2 hrs. after putting son down for bed after H left(came by for trick or treat). I posted last night in tears on prayer requests. Thanks. Again, it's still going on for me. First D-day was 1/6/01. Second was 7/3/01--both with same OW. Know he saw her weekend of 10/6. Probably still does, except she's geographically challenged. Lives in another city. Like a bad flu--keeps coming back if you don't go and get the shot. <p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done everything, to stand."

Peachy,<p>I'm about half way through SAA (Surviving an Affair), and it suggests that MOST A wane after about 3 months, but many can carry on for up to 2 years.....It's painfully obvious which one we would all hope for, isn't it.<p>I agree that last night was tough. We don't have any children of our own, but several of her students stopped by and asked where she was at. Kinda sucked! But she DID call (presumably to give me a debit card transaction amount). HMMMM, she could have given that to me next week when we have dinner. Up, down, up, down.<p>Come to think of it, I really don't see it as a roller coaster ride (I actually enjoy those). It's more like one of those rides that SHOOTS you up into the air, then holds you at the high for a brief time before plummetting you back towards the Earth. Don't know what those are called, but that's sure more what it feels like to me.<p>My continued prayers are with you!<p>Kev

GA~<p>I hope this might help. I am the BS, but have gone through what you are dealing now except my husband never moved out. We had 2 d-days. First one in 2-00 and the 2nd 8-00. The first one was only known to myself and the OW husband after he called me to make the affair known. The second was when I walked in on them at my home and they were in my bed. When the OW told her husband, he went to my husbands work and attacked him. Police had to be called. It got back to his family as well, because he works for a large company and some of his family has friends that work there as well. <p>Anyhow, I think it was in SAA or on this site that normally six months once it hits the light of day. It was almost 6 months for the second d-day and my husbands affair was about to die a natural death. Meaning the OW was LB'ing and showing the real her. I was in plan "A" during this time. It took awhile for the fog to complete clear, but he sees what she really is like.<p>We have been in recovery now for 15 months and things are still improving, we really are better then prior to the affair. We both avoided conflict and we have improved our communication.<p>Best of luck,
Judy

Peach,
I'm going to call you Peach because I think you are one!<p>I think my H's fog is beginning to lift. He still works with OW, but I think what he tells me is true, that he avoids her. In obvious pain, he has said that seeing her is a painful reminder of how far he has fallen. He says that when he sees her, it is like seeing someone armed with a spoon trying to break into Fort Knox to get all the gold--that is the image he has of her trying to be me, totally futile to even try to get even a scrap of all the gold that is me.<p>However, even with the progress I've seen so far, unless and until he stops having any contact with OW and I am able to bring up the A without him reacting like a rabid dog, I will consider myself in plan A. Here are some things that have helped me:<p>1. Trying to keep a vertical focus instead of a horizontal one. Seeking God's face and growing closer to Him.<p>2. Reminding myself that God only promised me food and clothing. Those should be my only expectations in this life.<p>3. Once I fully grasp #2, listing all that He has blessed me with IN ADDITION TO what He promised and recognizing the sheer abundance and bounty of it all.<p>4. Envisioning myself as the woman in Luke 7 who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and dried them with her hair and realizing that everything I do for my H is actually washing Jesus' feet. As you've already discovered, plan A is a lifestyle choice, a choice to have a servant's heart, as Christ did for us.<p>5. At one of my lowest points it was revealed to me that this is not about saving my marriage, this is about SAVING MY HUSBAND, a lost soul that Jesus loved so much he willingly embraced torture and death on a cross to save him. "... and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" --Esther 4:14.<p>6. When all else fails, I write down my hurt, outrage, and despair in a notebook so that I can anchor it down and maybe deal with it at a later time.<p>Now, I am not always in this place of peace and it would not take you long to find posts from me where I'm whining and crying and angry and everything else and not seeming to handle this whole thing well at all, but somehow I've managed to hang on another day, and that's all that's needed.<p>Someone pointed out to me today as I was sharing my story that no one is going to leave a true and faithful servant.<p>We also attended Retrouvaille last weekend and one followup session so far, and since then, H has opened up to me more than he ever has to anyone in his life. He verbalizes that he is in love with me.<p>I don't think the one day at a time approach can be overemphasized--sometimes it may be that I'm only capable of one more minute! But I commit to hanging on just that much longer. And pray, pray, pray without ceasing, as you've already done.<p>Conqueror

Hey Kevco -
your question - how long did the A last after seeing light of day.<p>In our case, EA started mid May, I found out July 16th, some phone contact and one meeting until July 31, when PI I'd hired turned over "evidence". Has been over since July 31st (verified 5x by PI)... so for us, it lasted in a much crippled form, for 2 weeks after d-day. <p>LLL

Your situation sounds exactly like mine. The OW is supposedly a Christian, used this and misleading statements, assorted lies and deceit, and her status as my supposed best friend and her status as a victim of spousal abuse to take over meeting the emotional needs of my husband and taking from him also. I don't care if they have had sex or not (they have had ample opportunity however), the damage is excruciating. He told me in May he wanted a divorce, filed for divorce in June, didn't move out of our house until July (said he didn't have enough $), and then helped this woman and her children move into an apartment in the same complex. Meanwhile, most people see her as a poor victim of her husband, who has abused her ( I don't dispute this). I have confided to three Christian women who know her also about what she is doing to my marriage. Two of these women I talk to regularly. What is so great about them, is that they truly want her to come out from under Satan's deceit. None of us want to see her harmed; yet at the same time we agree with God that He hates divorce, and pray that she would not be allowed to tear asunder my marriage. Let God be your avenger - that is his role not ours anyway. This has helped my pain. Also, see the A as God sees it - an abomination, sinful and disgusting. God does not bless his people engaged in willful disobedience. He will not bless the A. She claims to be a Christian (my husband is not). She is also accountable for being a counterfeit witness along with everything else. Take comfort in the fact that You are the one that can "keep your temple clean"; don't let the filth of what she and your husband are doing in secret contaminate your walk with the Lord. My difficulty is in knowing that she has easy access to him...she or her kids can walk down the sidewalk and be at his place and vice versa. My children get to see him for a few hours on the weekend, and I no longer have any companionship with my husband. I know if I dwell on this fact, my pain starts to well up again. I pray again for God to frustrate their efforts to be together, - I pray again for light to be shed on the darkness, I pray for my husband's eyes to be opened to the truth of who Christ is, and the truth of how evil is a part of his relationship with the OW. So examine the mental traps you get yourself into in thinking about the A, and have a plan of the prayers you will say to immediately give the situation back to the Lord.
If you are able to communicate with your husband ( I mean he wants to listen to you), tell him how his relationship with the OW makes you feel. Ask God for wisdom, He will give generously, so you won't be "casting your pearls before swine". That means let God show you how to communicate your unconditional love (pearls) to those who are allowing themselves to be blind to truth (swine).
Agape love is a priceless gift; don't lavish it without Godly wisdom. To quote more scripture, remember to "be as shrewd as serpents, but as innocent as a dove". Don't go digging for information...keep your eyes and ears open. I know from experience that God will show you what you need to know. In my case, every important piece of information that shed light on the A, literally fell right in front of me. Hope in the Lord, He is faithful. Maybe I will think of more later to share with you.

I really feel you pain. I recently found out about two affairs my wife was having. I am deeply hurting as we speak and trying to understand why this occured and how to mend things back togeather. I sit here hurt and lonely wondering if there is any deeper pain than this and Why would God and someone I have loved for the past 13 years cast such devestating pain into my heart and soul. <p>Can someone tell me how to make the tears stop??

IION,<p>Welcome, and I'm truly sorry for your pain. More people will be around to give you good advice. Scour this site and read all you can. There's a new member welcome "kit" (link), but it's location fails me. I'm sure someone will provide it herein.<p>In the mean time, read on PLAN A and implement it. If you can, get a copy of SAA (Surviving an Affair, available in the site bookstore, or possibly your local library). I'm a little over half through it and it's a Godsend. There's also another post from the last week or two about other books to get/read. I'll try to find it and bump it up.<p>There are MANY helpful and prayerful people here who will help you through these difficult times.<p>God bless,
Kev

Dear Conqueror, Trutoyou and Kevco,<p>Thank you for your own personal stories and insight. For what's happened to me today, please read in prayer requests my post. It's been so very horrible today. I can't go on into it b/c It gets me too broken up. Been shaking and crying all day now. Am going to consider a plan B, just for my sanity and privacy now. Please pray for me, and remember that I'm here praying for you. Learned at a bible study last night that God gives us adversity so our hearts will be softened and we in turn, can show compassion and love to others.<p>My armor's wearing too thin to write my life verse now. Keep up your good fight. I'm afraid I'm losing everything now. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]