Well, it finally happened...H moved out today....he had rented the apartment last week and I wasn't sure he was actually going to go....I tried to assure him that we could stay in our home together and work through this process without him leaving.....my efforts fell on dead ears....he said he felt to much pressure staying here...he couldn't be a husband to me the way he should (you know, I love you but I don't love you the way I should thing.....we all have heard that one) anyway, I told him I wouldn't put any pressure on him to do/be anything to me and that we could just talk/work through the issues....I read somewhere tonight that they want to run away from the problems and they think if they move out, the problems will go away somehow....boy is he going to be surprised when he wakes up and he still has the same problems he had at home but now even more....what does he tell his children???parents??? why he moved out??? Because he works 2nd shift, he doesn't see our boys during the week because he goes to work before they come home from school in the afternoon and he only see thems on the weekends. He told me that he was miserable and that I was miserable and the best thing to do was for him to leave to give us a chance to have some peace and healing.....he also said that the reason for the separation was to determine what he wants to do....he says the EA with OW is over and that he is not going to tell her he now has an apartment...(they still work together 10 to 12 hours each night) I give him a week and she will be there.....I am numb at this point and don't know what to think...I told him again today that he had a home and that couples worked through the same problems we are facing everyday without separating and that I just didn't see the advantage of him leaving....I feel it is a very selfish move on his part and not to mention...maintaining two households is very expensive....of course he went and rented a very nice 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment with all the perks!!! Why? Why does he need this if he is just looking for someplace to have peace and quite to work out his issues....I just don't understand...right here at the start of the holiday season.....he takes all of our extra money and in my opinion waste it on an expensive apartment.....Anyone have any thoughts?
I guess I can take advantage of the time apart to concentrate more on myself and my issues....working on me...I am going to do that.....and of course take care of my boys....<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: faith4us ]</p>

faith4us I'm here. I know you're hurting. Why did he feel the need to rent such a lavish apartment?
Does he have a roomate? This has been the worst year of my life I'm not even worried about the holidays. I just want the year to be over. We will be okay I know it will be a long process but we will make it. God will not give us more than we can handle. Although I keep saying I've had enough and hear I am again.
Be prepared because now that he has his own place when he does come over and things get to heavy for him to handle the conversations, the kids, whatever. He will be able to leave run out the door to his "spot" his "cave" and get away from his family. I really hate that I can't do that. You're right he is being selfish. My plan A days are over. I plan A'd the best I could soemtimes I couldn't believe it was me. I can no longer do that. Your rollercoaster ride is going to hit some big highs and lows now so hold on tight. I know what you are going through and it is so sad. What will he tell the children? Or is that up to you to do? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted.
Hugs & Prayers,
C

I don't know why he rented a two bedroom place unless he thinks the children will be staying with him.....doubt that!!! there are no beds for the children over there!! he took our guestroom bedroom set for him but the other bedroom is empty and my children are not going over there without someplace to lay their heads at night.....don't think this will be happening.....
thanks for the encouragement and yes, I know you are right....another rollercoaster ride....if I choose.....I tell you what I am going to do....I have a very dear friend that I am meeting tomorrow morning....both he and his wife who live a couple miles away from where my H got his apartment....well, I am going to tell my friends what's going (they will be shocked...think we are the ideal couple...) and I am going to ask them to do drive bys for me and see if OW's car is there.....if so...take picture and call me.....He told me/promised me today that he would not have her at the apartment...that he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do and that she would not be over there....PROMISED ME THIS....ok, if I have my friends watching him...he won't know this.....We live in another city and I work out of our home fulltime and am tied up with the children all the time...he knows I can't keep tabs on him...soooo he will probably feel pretty safe....if there is one visit from her and I find out...just ONE.....I will immediately contact my lawyer to serve divorce papers....I refuse to go through this with him any longer other than to give him a chance to work out his issues....NOT TO CONTINUE HIS AFFAIR WITH W***** AND HAVE IT IN MY FACE.....no more!!! I will be through........I will give him time to save our marriage but I will not let him hurt me any longer with any kind of extra martial relationship with some other person!!! Put a fork in me.....I'm done!
Thanks for letting me vent!!!
Dianne

Dianne you are right. Please stick to your plan. I have gone back and forth so many times that H doesn't take me seriously. I am moving on to Plan B. The only thing he could possibly do is tell me I"m moving home will go to counseling and contact with OW co-worker home wrecker is OVER! Quite frankly I don't see that happening. I know what you mean by the drive bys. I've had people offer to do things like that for me but after awhile they don't really want to be involved and you can't blame them. We are here in our situations and they get to go on with their happy married lives. What a mess. It will get better for us . I know it will with or without them. We still have our lives and our children. My H needs tough love. He comes over on the weekends and we do the family thing he eats here watches TV plays with the kids. From now on he wants to see them there will be a schedule that he will have to live by and if he can't that's his problem. I tell my kids that Daddy loves them but he is not the Daddy we know and that they had absolutely nothing to do with this. You know last week I though that he was actually coming out of the fog now I'm thinking that maybe they his "friend" had a spat and he was coming to me just because he knew I'd be here and she wasn't talking to him. I'm so fed up with this crap it's not even funny. I know you said it now do it C. Stick to it!!
Good luck Dianne please keep me posted I'll be praying for you tonight. Have a good nights rest. Please check in with me tomorrow. Peace be with you tonight.
C

I am OK....my two older boys spent the night at a friends house....I was fine with the baby...he is so wonderful.....he is two...has beautiful blond hair and the prettiest crystal clear blue eyes....my little angel boy....
Anyway, I have an off the wall question for anyone out there that can help me...I installed the STARR monitoring software this morning on my H's computere but there is this pop up box that keeps coming back even when I cold boot the computer...can anyone out here tell how to get rid of this before H pops in this morning and trys to use the computer....HELP!

I'm sorry you're going through what you are. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Re the pop-up box. There could be several reasons. Yuo may need to uninstall and reinstall in invisible mode (good idea either way) there's also I dialog box in the control panel that allows you to run or turn off the splash screen, also if you're not a registered user the dialog box is how they "crippled" the software. It's permenent until you register. Hope that helps

Hi faith4us, So sorry for your pain. I know how painful the day he leaves is. Sometimes its for the better that they leave especially when WS is waffling its difficult for BS to deal with that while living together. Use this time for yourself and your children and God will help you through. I am also having some difficult times right now I will talk about them at another time. I am thinking of you. Love Sally

faith4us
I heard all the same things... and my H moved out a month ago. Said he needed time and space to be alone and figure himself out. I asked him to stay and work it out with me.. but he was sure he needed to go. H also got an apt close to where I work... one bedroom, so doesn't look like he wants to have the kids over. My kids are older 19, 16, 15 and only the youngest (son) would be interested in going to see him anyways. He has been gone a month now. Its lonely and I miss him terribly. For the first couple of weeks, there was no contact at all. But now he is interested in what I am doing and where I am going. His A is on the internet. He is spending all his time on-line in chatrooms, although he tells me that his is limiting his time on the computer. He tells me he is doing a lot of sleeping and renting movies. He does not even have a tv hookup... so only the computer and VCR ... nothing else. He tells me he is very happy with this new life. Does not intent to reconcile but continues to ask about what I am doing. Its a mixed message as far as I am concerned. If he doesn't care, why does he ask. Anyways, I have found that the more you go out and do things, the more curious they get. I think he figured that I would sit at home and pine for him (which I do, but he does not have to know that). I have made sure that he knows that I am going out lots. I think he is starting to worry about that but will not tell me so. The more he finds out about my activities (he asks the kids) the more he tells me how happy he is. I think its a game we are playing with each other. He dropped off my support cheque on Sat but it was not signed. So had to get together on Sunday to get him to sign it. He knew I was out on Sat night and questioned me on who I was with and how many new people I had met. I was very vague with my answers. Let him wonder what you are doing... I don't think they will feel a sense of loss if you are too available. Make him think that you are moving on and finding new friends. If he thinks that you are not going to be there for him to run home to... he may start thinking about how he is lossing you and the kids to someone else.
Only my opinion...... but so far, it is working for me. At least I have his attention.

Faith4us,<p>I know you feel betrayed, angry and very hurt at your husband moving out and renting an apartment. I felt all those things and more. I really thought it was the end of my marriage.<p>My H said the same things your H said. That he wanted space, that he ended it with the OW-the single OW who was 12 years younger. It was a week before he called her and resumed the affair. <p>What I am going to say is going to shock you. You see, I wanted my H to spend all of his free time with the OW. I wanted them to hang out 24/7. Why? Because he would miss me the more time he spent with her.<p>I immediately went to Plan B when he moved out. I limited contact with my H to conversations about the children. I refused to answer his calls when he called at work. <p>While they are at home and having an affair, they are on top of the world. They have the two women who they love right where it suits them. However, when the wife decides she is not going to play the threesome, it puts quite a damper on the errant H.<p>Please do not make any decisions in the heat of the moment that you might regret later. If your friends do report seeing the OW's car outside his apartment, it will hurt. But, remember, it will benefit you in the long run. <p>My H did miss me and was begging to come home after three weeks. We are 13 months into recovery and our marriage is better than it ever was. <p>Your H obviously loves you. He is just confused. You have to decide if you still want your marriage. He will call you and want to see you. Stand firm and keep all discussions about the children or finances. Do not get into any relationship discussions. Do not get sucked back into his drama. When you do talk to him, be upbeat and happy. It took all of my strength to pull this off. <p>You are angry and in pain. But, do not let your pride make a decision you will regret. You are in this forum pouring out your pain and hurt for a reason. You want to save your marriage. You can! It will not be easy but you can. Read up on Plan A and Plan B again. Do not get sidetracked by your pain and pride.<p>NoMo

What are Plan A and Plan B? by Dr.Harley