I'm considering having one of the phone sessions w/ Dr. Harley (et.al.) and was wondering one thing.<p>WS and I have a pretty good communication line that's remained open through all of this (as long as I'm not hysterical). She did go to two couples sessions with me, but skipped this last week after she went to stay at a girlfriend's.<p>I wonder if a phone session would help HER at this time w/o any comittment at this point to end A, or whether I should wait for that comittment?<p>I know I'd have to be REALLY careful in the approach, but she just might be receptive to the idea. Plus if it'd help her to be able to end the A, goodie. Or maybe I should see if she'd "see" him herself (she might feel safer that way).<p>Don't know, your opinions are welcome.<p>btw, sorry to post SO much lately, been thinking (and trying to fix) A LOT.<p>Thanks,
Kev

Kev,
The night is still young in SF,CA. My WW just left "picking up oldest D", I call oldest D she told me it is not the case. I will not see her tonite I guess. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yes, it would. My W won't talk to Steve initially but I say it is for me, Steve try to "fix" me up. She tried two sessions already, going for her third. The best part of it for me to monitor my plan A progress and Steve could help me out when the time come for plan B. She might opened up to him but not me.

Best way to approach it is to do it yourself first. Steve will probably have you ask her to talk with him. The idea of this is to help you understand what her thoughts are as to what you are/were doing in the relationship to get it where it is now and how you can better “get with her program. This is a good way to approach it as she is unwilling to “work on the marriage” or end the affair, she would most likely balk at doing it solely to save the marriage.<p>If/when she talks with Steve, he explains the MB principles and tries to figure out her thinking of repairing the marriage. However, he does not straight out pressure her to end the affair. More of a “you have a history together and wouldn’t it be better to stay together” type stuff.

kevco-<p>The descriptions of telephone counseling with MB are pretty accurate. You work on a plan for a better self and hopefully a happy marriage. I had thought that this would be a way for someone to stick up for me and kind of 'guilt' my W into seeing the wrong she had done. Nope. No way. It has been very useful at helping me see how I can become a better husband and father. The counseling with the MB office or other counselors as well I suppose, is that they can say things to the spouse and offer advice to the spouse that would otherwise would come across as big time LB's if you mentioned them. This takes some of the 'heat' off of you and helps you keep doing your job of making your W feel safe with you and that she can trust you. I'm a little embarrassed to say how many telephone sessions we've had with Steve. Apparently, we(?) are slow learners.<p>It has been my experience with Steve that a portion of most counseling sessions is done with both partners on the line and part of the time is spent with the partners individually. An hour can sure fly by.<p>You'll also note on other threads that some have counseled individually with the MB office. I guess this isn't the ideal way to work on a marriage, it can be helpful. Good luck.
SG

Thanks for the input....maybe I'll try to come up with a way to address this with her.<p>Don't know exactly how just yet, but the idea of making it for me sounds appropriate. I don't want to ambush her or anything, just get her to talk to someone who might actually know something about couples.<p>In the first couple of sessions that we had together, I kind of feel like the therapist did us a discredit. C suggested that maybe she's in the "closure" phase of the relationship and that I'm in the "fix it" phase. Granted, WS is responsible for agreeing with the words, but I believe that she was (maybe) led a little. And OF COURSE I'm in the "Fix it" phase, I just realized the problem a couple of short months ago (though I was in denial until 2 wks ago).<p>We'll see how this next week goes, maybe I'll find an opportunity to bring it up.<p>Thanks,
Kev

Thanks for the input....maybe I'll try to come up with a way to address this with her.
You don't need to "come up with a way to address it with her" at this time.<p>Just call Steve. He will tell you the best way to do approach her with it (if he thinks it is a good time for it).<p>You don't need to keep it a secret but I wouldn't blurt out you are going to schedule an appt (keep her fear factor low). If it comes up, tell her you are doing it to help you understand/fix any shortcomings and problems you may have as a husband.<p>This is not psycho-analysis, couch type stuff. Well, I gues sit is sort of, but all the work has already been done by Dr Harley in his 30+ years of studying/analyzing relationships & behaviors. It is understanding and changing your own behavior to enhance & improve ANY relationship.