Long story short....Wife told me last night she wants a divorce.....then cried until I let her spend the night with me.....then today asks me to go to the City with her and the kids.....WTF is she trying to do to me????<p> SIGH!!! <p> jd

I don't know, my STBX played thses kind of games also.<p>Still does in some ways,<p>just hang in there & try to have a nice day with your kids

Hi JD,<p>What is she trying to do to you? Take you for a ride in that A roller coaster. Because you also have your kids with you, it is hard not to feel some of the effect of that ride. <p>At this point, waffling still shows positive signs. Endless babbling is confusing. Watch her actions and eyes. Don't get suckered into much if it is too painful for you. <p>Placating the WS while in the fog with them spewing all kinds of D talk garbly goop may not be helpful. Easy to say, hard to do, I know. <p>This is hard on you JD, I can truly empathize. Just remember to put the interests of you and your family first, the WS will learn that her actions will cause others to react and not something she can easily control. That is very hard for some WSs to accept. They tend to expect others to cater to their whims like the OP does or they wish their OP does. <p>You know, it is kinda funny. When the OP does not cater to the WS, some Wss come back and expect the family to be waiting to be the backup catering/giver. If that is true, it sure doesn't make the the back up crew feel too good ya know?<p>Regardless, you enjoy the weekend with the kids. <p>L.

jd,
WOw. she is not thinking clearly. We can't try to understand everything they say. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] She is afraid to make a decision because it could be the wrong one, and she'll be left with the responsibility of the consequences. Remain as calm and respectful of her as you can, and enjoy the time with your kids. <p>Plan B is coming soon... to preserve your love bank, and give her a trial run at life without you.

Been there done that! When my h was moved out,We, H (ws) and I, would go to the boys ball games together, still slept together, did things even though he was with her. I ended up being the OW. I did the opposite of plan B!! There was constant contact, etc. Would I do it agin? no way. He's home now, not doing well, and I don't feel as though he really found out what it was like to really be without me. MAybe this is why I keep catching him talking to her. This is it. I will do plan B and do it right this time if I catch him again. They have to many options open to them when we make it so easy on them.

Sorry about the news, JD. My H was just as crazy as your wife.<p>Example 1:
For months my H said he wanted to seperate, he was adamant. I said I didn't want a separation and I plan A'd. Then when I was ready for Plan B and said he could leave, he said he didn't believe me. Jeeeez! He said he wanted to leave but didn't believe me that it was OK to leave. LMAO!<p>Example 2:
My H said he wanted a D, BUT BUT ... we could always get married again. <p>JD, they don't know what they want. It's obvious. They want it ALL, but can't have it, so they make attempts at making a decision based on how they feel at the moment ... and their actions never seem to back up that decision. <p>When their words match their actions you can bet you have a WS that is coming out of the FOG.<p>Best and Prayers, JD.<p>Jo

WTF is she doing? She's following the script.<p>Refer to WAT's Rule #1. You are not dealing with rational people.<p>The best advice I can give you coming from my own experience is to keep your seatbelt tightened and don't react to every current in the river. Try to see the comedy in her actions and watch more than you react. Don't try to understand or reason with her. She's being controlled by the Mothership and there's nothing you can do to interfere except LB.

Hi Everyone,<p> Sorry I have not answered before now. It has been a long day, spent with W and kids.<p> Sing,<p> Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, if this is a game it sucks.<p> Orchid,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What is she trying to do to you? Take you for a ride in that A roller coaster. Because you also have your kids with you, it is hard not to feel some of the effect of that ride.<hr></blockquote><p> Well, I wish it were true that I still had my kids with me, Orchid. Actually they have all since moved in with W. It is a long story, suffice it to say they enjoy the freedom W allows them to have. And the lack of any rules. Guess it was enough to get them to go with her....Sigh. Yes, I still have their love and caring. <p> Thanks Orchid. Thanks for reminding me to put my families interests ahead of all the rest. You may need to kick me in the butt now and then, assuming I end up in Plan B, or even D.<p> Dearest Faith1,<p> As always, thanks lady. You are correct in her inability to make a rational decision. Really does mess up the mind of us BS, huh?<p> momof42,<p> Thanks for your response. It is truely appreaciated.<p> Resilient,<p> Yeah, it all sounds so familar. And the part about them wanting it all(their cake and eating it too), well it simply blows my mind. <p> What I would give for her words to match her actions. Hell even if it meant D. At least that would be something concrete. Some closure maybe?<p> Wat, <p> Buddy I know what you mean....I have read your rules a couple of times. Although I have to say that I don't find much of her actions very funny... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Wouldn't it be nice if we could all band together and crash that dang mothership. Then cut it in small pieces and bury it in many different places? That would be fun. We could hang the aliens by their toes and torture them for what they have done to our other halves(WSes) [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] Now that would be cool.<p> Again, thank you all so much for your kind replies. I really needed to hear it. <p> Sigh....so now I need to start warming up to Plan B. Maybe start implementing it slowly?<p> jd

Hey JD, <p>Read Bramble Roses' post about plan A. It may help you figure out where you are. You might want to get some opinions about 'sliding into plan B.' From what I know, plan B is like jumping in to a pool, you either sink or swim. No walking into plan B. <p>Plan B can be pretty striking to some of the WS's still heavy in the fog. The kids like the freedom but it will come with a price to pay. My H and his siblings had all the freedom in the world. Out of 11 kids, 2 were validictorians. Sounds pretty good? Well, all 11 have psycological problems. Fitting into the normal adult world has been hard for all of them. Adult bodies with a 5 year old (or in some cases, even younger) emotional mentality makes life real rough in the outside world. <p>I would not trade my upbringing with theirs. Not for all the validictorians in the world. I am not saying that will happen to your children. Just to let you know that this so called freedom really isn't freedom. The parent that allows this is not really loving. Your children will see that soon. <p>In the meantime, you please take care of you and your family. We understand your circumstances and do not stand in judgement of you. Hope all is well. <p>If I remember correctly you might be somewhere out here in the Bay Area or just in California? If yes, I'am a neighbor and I think there are a couple more of us out here. Even had another MBer out here on business a while back. <p>Howdy neighbor!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

What I would give for her words to match her actions. Hell even if it meant D. At least that would be something concrete. Some closure maybe?<p>Boy I can relate to the above statment. The worst part of this is that no one can make any decisions. They are seem wrong. Ugh...the right decisions is the hardest one to do cause it takes the will of both to work it through.<p>It sounds like to me that you do need Plan B cause she is gonna wear everyone down. She needs to wear down not the rest of the family.<p>TW

Hey Orchid,<p> Yes, I know you are right. I just need to get rid of that fear that I have of Plan B. The fear is what keeps me from jumping into Plan B with both feet, ya know? I am aware that more damage is being done to the family as a whole by this inaction on my part.<p> As far as the children, I do my best to talk with them about what they percieve as their freedoms. All I can do, really, is love them and try to guide them through the mine field of their newfound lives. W only cares that the kids chose to live with her. She will do nothing to jepordize their decision in that. Even though she knows the dangers of what she is allowing. <p> Lest you think my children are bad, let me assure you they are not. The only real problem I have is that they are running the streets, sometimes very late at night. Well, that and the older two are getting MUCH too involved with the oposite sex. All of which could spell disaster for their future.<p> tossedwave,<p> Yes, making concrete decisions at this point in our marriage is something we both are lacking in. Take Plan B, I know I should, it is just something I am affraid of. Which sort of puts me in the fog also. But, I am really close to that point.<p> jd

No JD, I did not mean to say your children are bad. All children have that tendency but you sound like you have a relationship with them and afraid your W's current actions will jeporadize their future. <p>Any parent in your position should worry. Even without the A parents worry. I apologize if I made you feel bad. <p>You take care. You are being a good dad. Just hard for a teen to appreciate. Were we like that???? Oooohhh that was too many years ago.... LOL!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

jdmac1,<p>You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt if you like. I don't think that it's any big secret to anyone on MB that I am not a big proponent of Plan A. I think that Plan A works only in certain circumstances:<p>* when the BS first begins to suspect that the WS is fooling around;
* while the BS is gathering information and investigating the possibility/probability of the EMR; and
* before the WS has confessed or the WS finds proof of the EMR and approaches the WS with the proof and all h*ll breaks loose.<p>After which point, I am a strong advocate of Plan B. Once it's out in the open and the EMR verified, Plan B should go into effect with dispatch.<p>I went both routes. I tried Plan A, and it failed, miserably. Then I tried Plan B and it worked like a charm - both times. My marriage is still failing. Why? My H doesn't have any respect for me anymore - for accepting his EMR while it was going on under the roof of our family home. And I don't respect myself for it. <p>Plan A post-discovery also made Plan B very difficult to implement. Because I let H get away with murder, he took my Plan B decision with a grain of salt. So when he came back home, he was cheating again within the same week. Plan B again, only this time for much longer and I did not waver one bit. When he asked to come home, I told him that if he did and I discovered that he was calling or emailing XOW or sending messages through friends or even smoke signals, that was IT.<p>Now I'm all crapped out, I have no more energy left to expend. If I would have Plan B'd him as soon as I found out, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and self-respect. Now I wish that I'd gone ahead and filed for divorce. Plan A sucked everything out of me. I was untrue to myself and my feelings and my gut instinct to completely sever ties with my H. <p>I understand that you have children, and this casts an entirely different light onto your situation. But I wanted to share my experiences and feelings with you just as food for thought.<p>belld

Orchid,<p> No, no, you did not make me feel bad. I knew your words for what they were. Thanks, and don't think you upset me in the least.<p> Bell,<p> Wow! You know I have thought like you on occasion. I wonder what my self esteem would be like, and my marriage, had I done just as you say.
That is water under the bridge now I am affraid. But I do see the benefits of the what ifs. <p> I know our situations are very different, but alike too. Sigh!!!<p> Well what would you suggest now? Assuming my W lost that respect for me because I enabled her in a way? Now what, from your perspective?<p> I will say that as sonn as W realized that I wasn't going to blow up or try to fight her on the D. That is when she started crying to stay the night with me. Should I read anything into that?<p> jd

I don't know, Jd.?????? Sounds to me that your W is doing anything and everything she can to keep things the way they are. She's pressing all your buttons and it seems she knows which ones to press. She is having her cake and eating it too. Who would give that up?<p>I know you are scared. I am not going to get into details of my drama, but I do know the decision to Plan B is blindingly hard. If you want things to change, you have to be the one to do it. You have to close your eyes..well....keep them open, they've been closed long enough [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ......just do it. Make the plan and one step at a time, do it. Don't look at the whole picture cause is will overwhelm you. <p>I am all for staying for as long as you can to do your part in making the M work. When is enough enough? Only you know. It is your W's turn now to do her part. What are you afraid of? Losing her forever? Your kids blaming you? Failing? Hmmmmm.....I think it is your time to work on you. Something has to change. Do you wait for her to change or you? The more questions you ask, the longer the road gets. Let it out you may like the results [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Clouds

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jdmac1:
<strong> Sigh....so now I need to start warming up to Plan B. Maybe start implementing it slowly?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>NO!!<p>Yes, plan it slowly, but when it comes time to pull the trigger - do it all at once.<p>Although Plan B is mostly for you, it can have an impact on the WS. You are taking control of your life and removing control from the WS. The WS decided to separate, the BS decides to STAY separated with Plan B. <p>To this end, sudden impact make your statement very loud and clear. This is why the Harleys recommend a pristine plan A in the end - leave your spouse with the best possible "memories"; create the biggest void when you isolate yourself from the WS. <p>To slowly implement Plan B will negate this effect. Understand?

Hey JD,
Sorry to hear about the lastest. I guess this means you won't be going on a trip that is much needed for the both of you.
I have to agree with "InTheClouds" on wanting her cake and eating it to, and you need to make the move or adjusments. I hate telling you that. I can only imagine what it's like to have your relationship sitting in your hand, and what ever you decide can make or break it. That's how is been with us. <p>Hang in there. Your doing great.
(((((jd)))) keep your head up. Sherry

Hmmmm... the only thing I can think of is she may have doubts about what she wants.... and feels guilty about wanting the divorce. Maybe she felt that sleeping with you would be less of a blow to you, I dunno. <p>Sometimes us women don't realize that a man gets emotional over sex as well... we sometimes just think that all you guys want is a quickie..and everything will be OK. Perhaps that is what she was trying to do.<p>I'm sorry for your pain and confusion....

Hi JD<p>I'm also in this w/you to buddy. My H has been on/off w/ OW for almost a year now. No remorse. Separated since August. Read my post to cybil today. That's my way of dealing with it. A loving, very loving yet distant plan A. <p>During these dark days, It's so funny to hear comments like the part about "the mothership". Funny, my son says daddy's got alien in his body. H thinks son just watched some cartoon and got that silly idea. Son really believes it. They do really silly stuff, if we stand back far enough (like several miles away). I am keeping my sanity from counseling, family, few friends, and the love from the greatest physician in the Universe--God. Found lots of help in book, Love Must Be Tough, by Dobson. Works along with MB principles and adds important Biblical perspective. I admire the way you are standing up and fighting morally and spiritually for your family. Keep up the good fight and know that this gal is praying for you, your W and your family. <p>She doesn't know what she's doing at all, except acting on her Id and EGO. Ripping ahead full force, doing the if it feel's good, it must be ok type of thinking. If we confront them or try to lead them out of fog, we are perceived as intruders, stupid, insecure, and the real problems here. Work on you, find something you really like to do that pumps your brain up, for us gals, we like to get a new hairstyle, buy an outfit. Do something for us. Not sure what you guys like to do..Haven't been single in so long that I feel like I've been beamed down onto an alien planet (called separationsville) by the evil overloards controlling mothership. Ha. Love the Jimmy Buffet quote. Just 4 fun, try reading his novels. Not very introspective but filled w/lots of fun, humor and everyman logic. Even almost lost his marriage too. Read, A Pirate Looks at 40. Can you guess what I do also to stay sane???(read). Go to gym, read, pray, try to be a good mom above all. Oh, and see counselor and pray. Pray...Pray...And remember, we are praying for all of your. God bless you JD.

Sorry folks, meant that I (gal) am also doing stuff to pump my brain up and that us gals do that too along w/other stuff to help us get through these dark days. Don't play her game. Just be there for her. Go about your life, though. Let her see subtle strentgh and impeccable love. Live like the Harleys say, end w/ a wonderful plan A lifestyle before resorting to B. I don't even think of Plan a as a plan, but a better, more loving way to live. Make sure you have done all before B begins. Show strength and power through love my friend. Don't get suckered into their games. Trust me, it's easier to bail out. Let them just play the game and see the OM's insecurities set in and turn on himself. Control only what you can control. Leave the master plan to God. You can control your reactions, your involvement in their mistakes. You can control your actively seeking help for you and whatever responsibility you played in stressors of M. You can pray. You can be an incredible dad. You can love your kids. You can live your life with few regrets when you choose the rocky, hard path of real love. What real woman wouldn't be attracted to a man who shows his muscle power by living a life where he values his marriage, wife, and kids above all? Where he is vigilent and stands loyally through the storms of life? What woman would be attracted to a man who is jealous, meddlesome, wimpering, desperate, and caves in under pressure? Maybe just do really awesome plan A and give yourself space before plan B comes into action. Let her see what everyone else will see. You're strong in love and you don't need her constant reassurance to prove that. That you can occupy your mind and life with other things that reflect your committment to that way of living. Until some of her super thick fog begins to clear, she may notice little or none of it, but it will begin to matter to you. One day when it does lift, you may or may not be there for her. But...you will know you have become stronger, better, tougher, and have the true ability to love. One day she'll find that so attractive and it may not even matter to you then. Think about that. Or, as I pray, she will see the light shine within your soul and slowly "move to the light" and out of the fog and your family will be restored better than even in its beginning. Will it come from A or B? I don't know. Will it ever happen? I pray so. Be strong in your prayers.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand; and after having done everything, to stand."--my inspiration
Does that mean not to plan B? Before I would implement that, I would consult professional advice.