I've known for a while that its time for me to move to Plan B. But I've also known, that I will probably break down and phone H or come up with some excuse for contact about 5 minutes after I move into Plan B - so I have continued Plan A.<p>I'll give you some background.<p>I discovered WH's ea/pa on May 16 - a reoccurence of an A (same OW, same time of year even) that occured 2 years ago. That time, H ended the affair about 2 weeks after DD.
This time around, when I stumbled across evidence that the A had started up again (they reunited this March) H said they wanted to move in together immediately. <p>I asked if I could leave our house instead (for reasons I still ponder). I moved out June 1.<p>At this point, WH is deeply involved with OW and me. OW doesnt know about his continuing relationship with me though, so frequently I get the short end of the stick because he has to keep our relationship hidden from her.<p>Fortunately, H and I have an agreement that he will not introduce OW to our sons 11 & 19 before January. This isnt too much of an issue with the 19 year old - he doesnt want anything to do with her.<p>In January, H & I will discuss the best way to arrange this meeting. <p>I know my son & I are lucky that H has agreed to postpone their meeting. But I dont know how I will stand H, OW & S spending 'family' time together. January is coming awfully fast. <p>This may give me the impetus to move to Plan B now. If Plan B works as well as I've read in many postings to help clear WH's mind - maybe the meeting between son & OW will never happen.<p>But, how do I maintain no contact? H has been a top priority in my life for almost twenty years, my inspiration, support, - you know - everything.<p>Please, does anyone have any suggestions on how to get through those desperate urges to call - just to hear their voice? to know they still love you? (yes - H still claims to love me, want me, need me - awfully addictive when everything else is so mucked up)<p>I could use - very much need - your support or encouragement.<p>Thanks,
Laurie

How about a practice plan B while still in plan a. Start to distance yourself, dont be avaiable for his every call, start making plans for yourself when you know he will want to talk to you. Seeing you moving on may be just as effective as paln B. But you could try 2 weeks of that and see how it goes and then reevaluate if you can go to plan B.<p>And I dont have kids , but if you are still married I see no reason why you cannot renegitiate and tell him you have changed you mind and your kids will not meet her until you are divorced and you have no control over it. You dont have to give him everything in plna a... set some boundries for yourself and your kids right now.
Lora

Thanks Lora,<p>a trial period sounds interesting. My only concern is that he will think I am growing distant rather than understanding what I'm doing. I think my support is still very important too him & I would hate to have him gravitate more to her because he thinks I have given up on him. Does this make sense?<p>I hope, when we discuss the kids meeting the OW in January - that it truly will be a discussion, not a date setting. Again I'm nervous (imagine being unsettled in this situation eh?) because he really can do what he wants when our younger son is with him. So far he has honoured our agreement, but I know OW is pressuring him to start building their world, which includes our children. I'm afraid if I take too hard of a line, he will introduce them - go for a day at the zoo, lets say, and I will find out after the fact.<p>This is all such treacherous territory. I am managing to get on with my life to a point, but its still feeling pretty empty, despite the full schedule and social calendar!<p>I will think more about the trial plan B, does anyone else have any suggestions?<p>thanks,
Laurie

Running,<p>My story is that WH and I have also been M 20+ years....he moved OUT and straight away in w/OW. I had NO CLUE we had problems. He wanted NO contact w/me. And there was NONE. Not for 3 full months. I did not hear from him, I did not even hear his voice (I used to call his cell phone vm just to hear his voice - then he lost it for lack of payment, and THAT was cut off from me, too). I did not try to contact him (he wrote me a note that said he wanted NO CONTACT between us, and to contact HIS DIV. ATTORNEY). I honored that (er - except the part about talking to his atty). [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Funny, I DID try once. I went there to bring atty title to H's truck. They SHOULD have been open....BUT the doors were all locked and lights OUT. This at 4:30 in the afternoon, when sign on the door said they stay open till 5! I took that as a sign from the Lord that I WAS NOT to go to his atty again. I never have. I never will.<p>How did I manage? Well, I found this site. I hurt a lot. I posted a lot. I prayed a lot. Everyone told me to "work on ME." I didn't have a clue how to accomplish that, but I tried. And it has worked. I AM better. I am OK without contact, although now there is some. We are still very estranged, and we are currently moving at a snail's pace toward div. garbage. I still am praying about THAT. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You CAN do it!! I knew I was an independent person. I have always been. BUT - when a person you have been "partners" with for over 20 years suddenly disappears off the radar screen literally overnight, it was HARD, and it left me feeling totally incompetent, vulnerable, and lost. At least you have some warning that this may happen. I suggest you start to prepare for it, IF it comes to that. I asked the Lord to "be my H" while my earthly one was away. It worked for me, and still does. YOU CAN DO IT if it happens. I pray it won't!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lora:
<strong>Start to distance yourself, dont be avaiable for his every call, start making plans for yourself when you know he will want to talk to you. Seeing you moving on may be just as effective as paln B. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think this is excellent advice! You do not have to be "at his beck and call" - so to speak. You did say your oldest is 19, right? Then HE can wait for dad to pick up YS, and YOU can be OUT. I don't think that will make him "rush into her waiting arms." Heck, he's ALREADY DOING THAT!! I think he's playing the "cake game" right now, cause you ARE always there and available - even available to play his little game of: I can have you now, but not too long, cause OW might find out! TOUGH!<p>If he asks, tell him it's "time" for you to find your own way in the world, since he seems to be building HIS world without you!!! Let him stew over that! Be there, [i] sometimes [/b] NOT there sometimes, and let it always be a guessing game... YOU can still act "supportive" and whatever else when you are there, and oh, so, apologetic when you have "other plans" but LIFE is waiting on you, and you don't have time for him today. I LIKE IT!!<p>Not exactly Harley to a "T" but I think in your case, it could be effective.....since he IS doing the cakeman walk. Then, you might want to move to Plan B before January rolls around so that you won't make it seem like you're planning it around his introduction of kids to OW. I would definitely have a say about that. But, I wouldn't worry too much about their "time together." Kids are remarkably perceptive. I DOUBT very much that they'll all "take" to each other. In fact, she may HATE having them around, once they meet!! Not that they're bad kids or anything. I wasn't implying that....just that they prolly WON'T "like" her (or anything close to it) - "just like dear ole dad" - and I'm thinking SHE's thinking she'll be able to "win them over" like she has their dad! LOL SHE'S GOT NOTHING TO OFFER *THEM* (In the same sense of what she offered HIM, I meant!) [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will be praying for you to see clearly what the right path is for you now.
Uh, sorry this is so long. I hope some of it is helpful, since you have to read through it all!<p>God Bless,
Lupo

You're smart to think about this ahead of time. I have been in plan B of some sort 3 times, and each was very short lived. the first time I ended up contacting him after about 2 weeks of no contact., The last 2 times he's come to me and I have been unable to turn him away. We have made some progress though, to the point now that he says he wants to come home but needs time to end it with her.(WH still lives with OW)<p>I think sometimes our head tells us to do something-like plan B, but our heart is not in it so it doesn't work out very well. I think plan B is best saved for when you feel totally sure that you are at the end of your rope, in your head and in your heart. That way I would imagine it would be easier to stick to.<p>When and if you go to plan B-remember that it's about you and not to control him, and have some support people to call or even better-go away for awhile.<p>I'm coming to realize that there's not much I can do about my WH's A. All I can do is wait. The hardest part is not knowing how long it will take.

thanks Lupolady and Maezy.<p>Lupolady - I can't imagine the trauma you must have experienced! I think that is what would have happened with my H too, except I decided to move out instead. Not sure if it was a good idea or not, but boy I like having my own space & someplace to come home too (yes its starting to feel like home) where I don't have to deal with his memory everywhere.<p>and yeah, although my H still seems very confused, I've been feeling the cake walk for a while - which is the main reason I want to move to plan B.
Things have gotten too comfortable & boy it ticks me off to be slighted to cover his butt with her.<p>So it is time I think. Hope I have the courage/determination not to waver. I'm sure I will be doing much more posting in the next week or so!<p>Unfortunately, when all this stuff blew up in May, our older son decided to high tail it to his Grandmother's - my Mom's. <p>Most of the time, H & I have very little true reasons for contact. Our younger son spends 1/2 time with each of us. When moving from me to H, he just goes there after school - so no contact necessary. When coming from H's to me, H usually drops him off midway through the weekend. I imagine if I keep that short w/no conversation, that much contact will be no problem. Maybe I will time a shower at that time for a while.<p>Damn - hope I don't call him in to wash my back though [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maezy - thats exactly what I am afraid of - implementing a Plan B that just doesn't stick. My head has told me to go ahead for a while - my heart just falls though.<p>But, I really need to soon. So much baggage is building up with us in such close contact - that if it isnt draining my lovebank (seems endless) it is certainly getting to feel like an insurmountable mountain. If we have a more separate existence - hopefully there won't be so many nasty situations to forget/forgive later.<p>Re support people - I've warned a friend that I may call on her to come over with rope and duct tape! She's worried about the 5 minute it will take her to get here though - maybe I will have to go a few weeks with permanent rope & duct tape! At least I will lose a few more pounds.<p>Thank you both for your support and wise words, and lupolady - I loved your many words.

Runningonfaith...<p>Have you read Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough?" I think the stories in there will help give you strength and resolve...<p>Also...make a list of projects and things-to-do...including YOURSELF...get very involved so that you DO NOT HAVE TIME to 'think.'<p>A second book comes to mind...an old one I remember on my mom's bookshelf..."Women Who Love Too Much." I think there was a 'plan' in the back for 'separating' and 'giving up' control of a relationship.<p>Good luck...<p>Cali

Thanks Cali,<p>what a great idea. I can obsess over books for a while - that oughta keep my brain occupied. I will take a look for the ones you've mentioned. <p>Silly - I hadnt even thought of reading to get through the beginning of plan B ?? Not sure why, reading got me through the beginning of plan a!<p>Thanks again,<p>Laurie