I HAVE POSTED THE FOLLOWING IN THE "RECOVERY" BOARD, BUT I THOUGHT ID POST IT HERE ALSO AS I AM REALLY STUGGLING WITH THIS. I HOPE ITS OKAY TO DO SO?<p>
To all of you who are in recovery, who have been able to find it within yourselves to forgive your spouses and move on to repair your marriages. How were you able to do this?
D-Day for me was 6months ago. Some may think that by now i would have forgiven my H betrayal. But i just cant seem to do so. Why? Help me understand what is wrong with me. I have been going to counseling and that is going "okay" i guess, focusing alot on "me" and my background. But i dont feel any closer to finding the answers to the so many questions that i struggle with daily. Do i love my H? Yes i do. Is this enough? If so why cant i sit and look deep into his eyes and tell him so and finally tell him "I forgive you". Instead all i can see is how he betrayed me, our child and our love. Most of the time i feel so hurt, angry and disbelief at what he has done. I believed in him, and he shattered this. <p>I find myself questioning everything he does and everywhere he goes. I dont trust him anymore. I dont even believe he truly loves me when he tells me so. Even love-making doesnt feel real anymore as my thoughts of what he did run through me leaving me feeling inadequate for him. <p>Maybe i wont ever be able to forgive him. Normally im not a harsh person, actually quite the opposite. Maybe we are just not meant to be.
So if any of you out there would like to share with me your thoughts on your own experience please do so. I would very much appreciate this. <p>TOS

Dear tos...<p>My ability to forgive comes from a Biblical foundation and my early experiences.<p>First of all, I believe that my ability to forgive comes from God...if God can forgive all sins...what other choice to I have? Am I better than God that I can withhold forgiveness?<p>Secondly, my mother made some choices in her adulthood that had severe consequences on her family...I had to learn to forgive her...to not forgive her was to allow only poison between us...and she's my mother...the only mother I have...she lived the best way she knew how...now her best sometimes left something to be desired...but she is only human.<p>My H is only human. I don't like what he has done. I don't condone what he has done. Most of the time I cannot even understand that he could have done it...HOW? is a question that I struggle with almost daily. <p>HOW? Again, he is human with all the frailties that humans come with...very imperfect...<p>So I would offer that you could offer it up to God...ask Him for guidance...in fact, that phrase, almost exactly, was in two books I discovered this weekend...Go to God first with your troubles and questions. Ask Him before all others for guidance and strength.<p>He will give you the strength you need and the ability to forgive.<p>Cali

tos,
Did you talk to your H about this ?. Actually H should ahve some burden of getting & help you out.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <strong> ...Do i love my H? Yes i do. Is this enough? ... <hr></blockquote> </strong>
No, it is not enough. You have to be "in love with H".<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <strong> I find myself questioning everything he does and everywhere he goes. I dont trust him anymore. I dont even believe he truly loves me when he tells me so. <hr></blockquote> </strong><p>What make you trust him again ?. See Radical Honesty, H should have no problem to "report" his time away from your sight, give you detail cell phone record and so on. If H really want to help, you should explain to H first about your feeling (honesty) and ask H (w/ no LB) to help you to build "trust" in the relationship.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <strong> ... Maybe i wont ever be able to forgive him. Normally im not a harsh person, actually quite the opposite. Maybe we are just not meant to be. <hr></blockquote> </strong><p>You are walking a dangerous path. Recovery is for both WS & BS. Been there, I drove WW back to A last year again after recovery of 5 years ago. Talk to H and make him understand and ask his help. Get help (C) not to look at your background and so on but to HEAL the damage that A has done to you. It will take both of you to heal them. Did you read SAA ?.

JUSTPLAINCALI<p>I understand your way of thinking about forgiveness. I also use to think and believe the sam way. Unfortunately for me somewhere along the way of all this mess my faith in God has been lost. Well, not as strong as it use to be. Which is sad i know, for me to allow this to happen. Maybe this has alot to do with my struggle to forgive. I hope though i find my way back somehow with time. I hope i dont come across offensive and im sorry for your struggles also. I know its hard.
Thanks for your time in responding.
Take care
TOS<p>
RED HAT<p>Because my H wasnt as supporting towards me the way i wanted him to be in order for me to heal i became more and more withdrawn from opening up and sharing my feelings and thoughts. Now that he is trying alot more these days im trying to feel more comfortable in doing so.<p>You stated i need to be in love with him. I do feel passionate towards him even amongst all my hurt. I wish i could let myself go and show him this but his reasons for his actions/affair has left me feeling so inadequate as a women. My self-esteem is at my lowest. I guess im still angry at the fact that he had to go to the extreme that he did because he wasnt attracted to me anymore the way he was before i fell pregnant with our son.<p>With Radical Honesty between us well its me that feels suspicious every time he goes somewhere even though he has told me prior where that would be. <p>With your last statement. Are you saying that because you werent able to forgive your WW after her afair 5yrs ago, you drove her back to her affair with the same person. Are you still with your wife? If so in what way is your recovery now different to the last time?<p>Maybe i should change C as this one, even though i have asked her many times to help me get past the hurt and damage the affair has caused, she claims that everything we talk about "me" stuff and my childhood will help me with that. I have never been to a C until now so i dont know what to expect from their process on how long it takes to find solutions to major problems.<p>Anyway i have rambled a fair bit, so i will go now and think seriously in talking with H about my thoughts. Maybe i should show him this thread. Thanks again for your time in responding. I very much appreciate it.
Take care
TOS

Something I've noticed on here over the many months I've been on, is that everyone has their own way of forgiving.... or not.<p>With some, they've woken up one morning and just made the conscious decision to forgive their spouse (or the OP), and that's worked for them. For others (such as myself), it took many months to realize that I had forgiven my H for his waywardness.<p>Speaking from my situation, although H and I have been in recovery for 5 months now, I'm still having a lot of trouble with dealing with his A's (he slept with 3 other women during our 4 month separation - one of whom HAD been a friend of mine for over 2 yrs, and he had also been actively searching for someone new online for many months prior to that - one definite EA came from that, PA if you count kissing).<p>I don't have any specific 'triggers' that I can pinpoint. But I do know, that this past month and 1/2, I've been having a heck of a time getting the images of him with OW#1 (my former friend) out of my head. It's really been affecting our sex life too. To say the least, it just puts me OUT of the mood far too often (sigh!) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>At the same time, I'm also aware (thanks to this site) that I am not overly happy with myself lately either. I've gotten into a comfortable (post A / recovery) plan A, and haven't continued to look after some of my own needs lately. Could that be something that's happening to you too?<p>In order for you and your H to be in true recovery, you BOTH have to put into the M. You both need to learn how to fulfil each others' EN's. Have you tried the various questionnaires available on this site for printout? That may help answer so many of your questions.<p>As far as finding another C, do what you think is best. If you're not comfortable with her methods, try someone new for a few sessions. IMO, it is true that you have to deal with whatever your childhood issues are first, before you can work on the M. Simply put, if you don't love yourself, how are you supposed to love someone else? It's all part of plan A - to be the best you you can be.<p>Karen

TOS, thanks for starting this post. This is something I am struggling to deal with myself.<p>I forgave my H for the things he has done in the past. I forgave him for his first EA back in February. I have not forgiven him for his latest EA/PA that ended in July, although I do feel very sorry for him.<p>I really, really like what Cali wrote. Thanks Cali, I think that will help me focus on things. My H is only human and he makes mistakes, lots of them, and hopefully with counseling he will learn how to make better decisions and stop hurting me in the process of trying to help himself. So far so good...<p>TOS, are you going to MC or just individual? If MC, has your counselor focused on WHY your H had the affair? Do you really know everything you need to about the how's/why's so that YOU understand what was going on in your H's head at the time of his affair?<p>Sometimes that helps. I know it is helping me (that is what our MC is focusing on now), but I do realize our situations are alot different, so maybe it will not help you...<p>I think the only way to really forgive is to understand what happened, so that you can prevent it from happening again. Once you have prevented it's re-occurance, then you go on, and at some point, the past just doesn't matter anymore because you are focusing on the future...<p>I know this sounds sucky, but from what I've heard/read, only time will help you forgive. In time, your marriage will get better (if you follow the right practices), you will find yourself enjoying time with your H more and more, the triggers getting less and less, and perhaps years from now you will only slightly remember this horrible thing from your past. Then, whether you want to admit it or not, you have forgiven your H.<p>That is the way I see it happening with me. I don't think I am capable of consciously saying "I will forgive him", rather I see myself as just waking up one day and realizing the past doesn't matter because I have an awesome future ahead of me with my family, H included.<p>I'm not there yet, but these are my hopes/dreams.
HbH

TOS<p>My W (WS) once asked me (before we got to reovery and while we were still separated)if I thought I could truly forgive her for her A. <p>I didn't hesitate to answer that I already had. <p>I learned early on thru reading here and other sources that forgiveness is not what you give someone else...it is what you give yourself.<p>You have to forgive or you will carry this with you forever and that's not good.<p>Cali is right when she says that if God can forgive...why can't we?<p>Somehwere along the line I picked up this quote...not sure who said it or where it came from but it really struck me and helped to ease the pain involved and helped lead me to better understand forgiveness.<p>"One of the greatest human virtues is the ability to forgive. It not only frees the sinner but enriches the life of the one who has been sinned against. Hanging onto old hurts and licking the wounds accomplishes nothing. It merely prolongs the pain."

At some point, if you want to maintain your relationship with your husband...or maybe...even if you don't...you have to take a chance. Give forgiveness a try. "Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is."<p>Good luck <p>E