I've been in plan B with my husband, who I suspected of having an EA with a young female 'friend'. He works in another city, so I didn't see him except 1 week every 3 months. When I asked him to give her up, as their 'friendship' was hurting me, he refused, and I went into Plan B. He is now not providing me with enough money to live on, and just doesn't answer emails if the subject is one he doesn't want to talk about (and I stick only to finance/car matters, nothing personal).<p>Anyway, tonight I got up the courage to phone the place the OW is staying. I knew that the OW was planning to go back to her home country at the end of this year, and I wanted to know if she'd already left. My plan was to ask whoever answered the phone if OW was there, knowing that she most likely would be out. I would then ask if they could tell me when OW was going to leave the country. Well, it kind of went to plan, but gave me more information than I expected. That's what I'd like to ask your advice on.<p>The lady who answered the phone said that they didn't know where OW was, as she moved out 2 weeks ago. Ding, goes my brain, she's moved in with my husband! Apparently OW just said one day she was leaving, and moved out that very day. The host family she was staying with are relieved she's gone, and annoyed at her rudeness for not giving notice. They don't even know where she's gone, all they have is her mobile phone number. Which of course I now have too.<p>The OW was described to me as self-centered, secretive, manipulative, and likely to be using my husband as a source of money/outings. She's not very pretty, but has a superficial manner of always smiling and being happy - but this is only skin deep. The lady on the phone said that she thinks the OW would be using my husband, then dump him when she goes back to her home country (where she has a boyfriend). Oh boy, does this sound like a typical OW!! (no offense to those who've seen the light and changed their ways). I think my husband could easily be taken in by this superficial charm, he certainly sounded like it when he used to talk about her to me. I described to the host lady that this OW had said to my husband, after only knowing him for a few weeks, 'we'll always be friends' and how my husband had been SO impressed by that. The host lady said that sounded just like the manipulation the OW would use. <p>Now what do I do??? If I phone my husband (IF I could even get through to him, he's made himself very hard to get hold of) and confront him, what would it achieve? If she has moved in with him, he'd probably say it's platonic. Or he could lie and say she's not with him. How can I find this out, any suggestions? I suspect he's spending heaps of our money on her, but can't know for sure as he's kept his accounts in his name only. Divorce here is no-fault, so he could be having it off with her left, right, and centre, and it would make no difference to the outcome. And would I want him back, after he picks such a person as his 'friend', who he prefers over his wife?? <p>I only found out this information less than half an hour ago, I'm really trying to stop myself from phoning him to interrogate - it's not a good idea while I'm so upset/angry/stressed. <p>SAU

Take some breaths....in for four counts, hold for four, out for eight counts.<p>Okay keep doing that, because you are NOT going to call your H tonight, or today...where are you BTW? Seems early for the US!<p>For a start, you are only speculating...well okay chances are high...but you already see he will deny it, and you will come away from the call looking like the horrible person he wants to think you are. <p>No, keep your cool and bite your tongue, and go for a walk, and just do anything to keep from making that call.<p>You have done the right thing coming here first...I hope you were able to hold off. Now, will he find out you made that call? Maybe, but chances are he will never mention it. Just think about that for a moment. He knows you know, but you haven't said anything? What impression will that give him, compared to the confrontational phone call?<p>Well at first, he will think you are a doofus [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ....but it isn't NOW we are worried about...it is later, when OW DOES go away, and you were the safe little harbour for him. THAT is what you think about now. WS's have long memories.....keep your cool.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Well I can certainly relate to your pain. My H moved in with OW who was a single coworker in an intense EA/PA. He was out of the house for a few months. We are now slowly reconciling. He lied about where he was staying- said he was staying with friends but of course that wasnt the case. Why is it you only can see your H one wk every 3 mo? That is probably alot of your underlying problem right there. My H used to travel every wk for 6 yrs before his A and I now realize how much that damaged our ability to communicate our feelings to each other that is needed to maintain a marriage. Are you going to a good counselor by yourself to help sort out what you could do? I did that and got on effexor a med to help me cry less and think more clearly. I got mine from a family doctor. My H insisted he wanted a D despite my attempts to plan A him when he would come by to see the kids- OW completely manipulated his thinking. He even filed on me then woke up and came to his senses and cancelled it. We have been in therapy ever since then for 6 mo now.If you really dont want a D I wouldnt file on him just to make him mad. My H tried to provoke me to file on him due to his guilt and pressure from OW but I refused. He tells me now that is greatful every day that I didnt divorce him. Is your H mid life crisis?My H is 43 and we'd been married 15 yrs at the time of his A. lifeismessy

Hi S&U,<p>I remember your story. I recommend you see a counselor and give him you info. You can phone Steve or Jennifer also. I know you are far away from most of us but we are as close as this board and will be waiting to hear from you. <p>Also, I would write your info down in a letter or e-mail. Let your H know that you have received info (don't have to disclose how) about the OW and others (not related to the A and outside your family) are aware that is OW has bad habits and has taken advantage of others in the past and may again. Tell him that details of her antics are not fully known at this time but may come up later. <p>Now your H may get very angry with this info and you could be dealing with a psycotic OW. So be very careful. Get yourself some nearby support if possible. <p>The point is that you want to get your H thinking. I had to use this method. The info I had was enough to get my H thinking. While some of it was not as bad as initially thought, other areas got worse. The point of concentration is that you are still looking out for the welfare of your H and you need to let him know that. <p>If the OW is as bad as you are being told, then your H has a right to know if he is being used. If he wants to be used, then you will have to let him and you will need to do what is in your power to protect your family's interests. <p>Let me put it this way. This A did not come without a price. Our family has paid heavily. Not as much as others but heavy enough for me. We are deeper in debt than ever, H is having to work 3 parttime jobs just to keep afloat. What income he earned while living out of the house, he blew big time. Bottom line is that the OW was not worth it. <p>I told my H, that if this OW was so great then free me. H said I was worth more than a million bucks. So I said, ok then I will settle for 1 million. (didn't want to get more than I was worth ya know!!) LOL!! <p>H said, he didnt' have it so I said, ok I'll settle for 100K. Go get it from your friend OW. Hm....... Now reality started settling in. See OW wanted money and s3x. hm..... Now H was seeing the real OW. That is what you want to be able to do. But you will have to do it in a very well coordinated and calm manner. <p>You may not be dealing with reasonable minds right now so pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thank you all, for your replies. I didn't phone my husband, and now I'm glad I didn't. Of course I didn't get any sleep, but I did keep my self respect. :-)<p>Jacky, like you I'm in Australia. Thank God for this board, or I would have been a total nutcase last night. No, I don't think husband or OW will find out I made that call. I asked the lady to keep it confidential, she said they didn't talk to OW anyway, and wouldn't tell. This lady said she's a lawyer, so I suspect she's pretty good about confidentiality. OW lived with this lady and her family for 6 months or more, so I think that they had a pretty good grip on what the OW is really like.<p>Lifeismessy, from extensive reading I do think my husband is in an MLC. Then again, the psychology of an MLC seems pretty similar to the psychology of an affair (to me), so who knows which of the two he's in - probably both. If it's an MLC, plan B is the right approach anyway as far as I can see, because once they're in an MLC all you can do is wait it out. I'm not in councelling, I virtually live on this board and have my mother to talk to. My mum is very supportive, I am so grateful to her.<p>We've always had a very close relationship, my husband and I did everything together and were rarely apart. For many years we lived in poverty, until he found this great job he has now. Unfortunately it means he's away from home so much. We were going to put up with this sad seperation because we were hoping to save enough money to set us up for the future. Ha.<p>Orchid, during the sleepless night I too thought of writing an email to my husband with info. about the OW. After all, he IS still my husband and I want to protect him. Then again, I know that if he's in a fog he won't take in a word of what I say. I think that all I can do is try though, for my own sake so that in the future I can say to myself 'I tried my best to warn him'. Before I send such an email, I will write it here on the board and ask for suggestions. <p>What I'm feeling now is a great sense of unreality. I keep saying 'he chose THAT over me????' He'd ruin our marriage and devastate me for a person like her?? He'd lose his integrity, his standing with God, compromise his wedding vows and promises to me for a spoiled, selfish girl? Obviously I thought a lot less of him already, but this really takes the cake. Not that it would've been 'right' if she'd been a wonderful, sweet girl that everyone adored, but THIS is the best he comes up with? UGH!!<p>SAU

Dear SAU,<p>I have been thinking about you all morning (getting ready for lunch about now). Go ahead and write it. When you send it and how many times you revise it is up to you. Write it down while the thoughts are still fresh in your mind. <p>I did. My H fought me and accused me of all kinds of things. You need to understand that he was babbling like Ms. Psyco BAbble Rabbit (remember her? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Anyway, I did my piece. I gave H the info the eventually she showed her true self. Not very pretty to say the least. Women with little or no morals all end up looking pretty ugly in the long run. <p>After a while, when H was a bit saner he admitted that what I found was worth reviewing. He did begin to see inconsistencies from the person who he claimed was such an honest, decent and truthful person who would never tell him a lie. Hmmmmph..... lying was what she did best. Fooled him and now he knows she played him for a fool. <p>Funny thing is that she is still trying to play him for whatever...... The point is that you need to protect yourself. Your H may or may not be ready for that helping hand. I kept a running journal of this stuff. So I was able to have better recall. <p>Hugs to you SAU. I know you are having a difficult time out there. Keep posting here, ok?<p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks Orchid, it means so much to me to have other people's input. My own thinking is not that clear, obviously. <p>I think I WILL write him what I found out about OW's character, but not just yet. Today I'm still too stressed out, luckily I'll be going out shortly to shop for a car so I'll be distracted. If she's already been with him for 2 weeks, another few days won't make a difference, and I will be able to clear my head a bit.<p>I just wish I could think of a way to find out if she's living with him, from this distance. I have her mobile phone number, I rang it last night to see if I could hear my husband in the background (pathetic, I know) but there was only silence and her voice. Boy she has a harsh voice, but then I'm biased... I didn't say anything of course. This morning I rang the college OW is studying at, and asked if they had a forwarding address for her as she'd left something behind when she moved. All this was true, I didn't lie. Alas all they had was her old address, they did tell me she'll be on this present course for another 7 weeks. Great.<p>Deep breaths, deep breaths, I will get through this... <p>SAU

Dear SAU, <p>You sound calmer and more collected. I know it must be late there so I hope you were able to get some rest. How did the car shopping go? <p>You are doing fine. You are thinking clearer and probably will soon find out what you need to know. There are a lot of MBers out here. Maybe one is out your H's way? Just a thought, I know it might not be a real good one. Are there any friends out that way who can check for you? <p>You know these A people think they are living this big secret. I liken it to the illustration of the ostrich who puts his head in the ground to hide yet his big plumed butt is sticking straight up for the world to see. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.