Hi all,<p>For a refresher on my story, see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013266<p>Just to illustrate how much of a rollercoaster this whole process is (as I'm sure most of you are already aware).. My weekend according to J.R.<p>Started well, Friday evening she admitted she was more in control of her emotions, whereas prior weekend wanted to stay about 30%, admitted that was more like 65% now. The therapy has helped in that way - our therapist is concerned she'll make a bad decision she'll regret, and obviously I am too - it's starting to leak into her mind. Saturday, she seemed more and more agitated. By Sunday AM, she'd regressed to the point where she was dwelling on all the negative things about us that she could possibly dream up. At one point, we talked about the fact that she really needed to give up the OM. She knew consciously what she needs to do. We talked about options, etc. She seemed to accept it for a bit. But the more she thought about it, the more grief she felt - lots and lots of tears. And then came all the negatives back again.<p>So I finally got fed up. I wanted to stick to a Plan A-ish mentality, but also let her know that things were not in an acceptable state. I had let her dictate the terms of conflict for so long now - participated in her "pity parties" as a willing flogging victim. When she said "It's not looking good for you today" I kind of lost it a bit - but kept it inside. We took our shower, then after I'd gotten out, I said, "(W), I'm very angry right now - angry enough to consider leaving and not returning. But I don't want to make any decisions based on anger, so I'm going to excuse myself for the rest of the day, alright?" She looked surprised, and was obviously a bit concerned - asked when I'd be back, etc.<p>When I got back, I told her why I was angry (she thought it was because of something she'd said that AM). I clarified - it wasn't what she said - I've agreed with all of her reasons for this. But I noted that it's no longer acceptable to repeat the same stuff over and over. If she does this again, I'll excuse myself (our therapist actually suggested this to me a while ago - I just forgot). Furthermore, if she gets into a hurtful mode, saying things like "If I leave...", etc., I'll also excuse myself, and I told her to please keep comments like that to herself - it's not constructive, so I'm not interested. The bottom line was that I said I was taking the initiative to change our communication dynamics as it relates to this situation. Period. It's in my circle of influence, so it's my right.<p>I think my approach had some interested effects. First, it's a behavior pattern I haven't shown to date much - so being a change, it has some beneficial effects. It also made her worry about losing me a bit - it was like enacting a very small version of Plan B - and it made her think pretty long and hard. She's openly admitted that she doesn't want to lose me - she wants to keep me as a friend and an option to return to if things don't work out with OM - can you believe it?! (I felt like asking her how OM would feel about knowing that little tid-bit - not exactly a firm foundation to build a relationship on, eh?!)<p>When I got back, she was quiet, but very willing to actually listen to me - something I found very surprising, because that's not been something she's done much of. She also spoke about using her head more (again, something in may favor). She also gave me a kiss and told me she loves me - Woah - that's a new one. Later, not that I was eavesdropping, but I did overhear her talking to a friend about how "he'll get over it" (I believe in reference to the OM, but who knows - maybe me!), but that she's still confused.<p>But I see swings like this regularly. With her back at work this week, chances are she'll have her slow slide back to hating me on a certain level by the end of the week. The big difference now: I won't participate in negative conversations - I'm there for constructive stuff - but not her pity parties - they tend to get worse when I attend! (I also told her I understand that she needs time to grieve if she stays - but that since I can do or say nothing to help in that, I simply have to give her time and space for that process - not that I don't care - but again, my presence tends to make it worse, so I'll remove myself as needed.)<p>Basically, during the time I had to myself on Sunday, I really thought long and hard about myself. I came to realize that Plan B for me may not be all that far off - a month or two. I think it will either be extremely effective quickly and we can get to work on us (I think the 75% likely outcome from what I've been seeing), or it will result in permanent separation - and I'm coming to a point where I can accept that if need be.<p>I realize that some might see what I did as LB, but my intent was to cloak it in as compassionate a light as possible. I need to get her thinking about my feelings a bit more - she's admitted that she's being callous towards me - built an emotional barrier. And it seemed to have been somewhat effective, combining approaches from different sources (therapist, MB, other resources).<p>This is one heck of a study in psychology!

Oh, one thing I forgot from the prior message that I wanted to include to get opinions on....<p>Our therapist is strongly encouraging my W to move out, and isolate herself from both myself and the OM as much as she can. So she can have time to think. Of course, she'll see the OM as much as usual given that he works with her, so I don't see this as anything of an advantage to me. But my W is warming up to the idea more and more.<p>I suspect it's a bad idea, but what can I really do? It'd be her choice. And other than this thing, our therapist I think has tried to encourage her to think about staying and working on us - there's many, many risks with her leaving to be with OM - more than with a "normal" EMA relationship.<p>I'm meeting with her today and would like to have something to say about this without sounding like an ogre.

Hi J.R.,
No advice this a.m., but just wanted to say I think you handled yourself VERY well and wondering how did it go when your meeting go?

Well, my session with the therapist was okay - we've been talking about me in my sessions mainly. I mean, it's all part of accepting what I can and can't control - and I can only really control myself. I've made some decisions about who I want to be, and I'll implement changes, with or without my WS. It will certainly be easier with her by my side - geeze, she's been so good for me all these years, at least that's what I've believed.<p>Anyhow, I'm not sure what to think. My W says that the therapist was almost begging her to move out for a while. The therapist when talking to me doesn't seem to convey that level of urgency. So what am I to believe? Probably that my W wants to move out. She says, "well, we can go on dates then" and such. I fear it's an excuse to put more emotional distance between us. One of her big things in this situation is to complain that she wants "freedom and independence" - something she feels she's never had (we met and married young, as I've been told).<p>At the same time, I get small signals that her fog might be clearing a bit. I think the therapy might be helping. Last night, the therapist asked me what my thoughts were about the up-coming holidays (Xmas). She wondered out loud if we could return home to our families in our current state and not arouse suspicions. I said that I doubted it, that if things had improved maybe, but it might almost be better to take a pass on going home, having a very disappointed family, but also having more time to work on us. (And we are grown-ups and can do stuff at Xmas such as go skiing or Hawaii as the therapist suggested - I could probably go for that!!) But when I mentioned this to my W, she said essentially, "you do know that mom would kill us if we didn't come home at xmas" - so it would seem her head allows her to think about us together in the future - interesting.<p>And the therapist agreed too that I handled the situation very well. Even my W said she thought the therapist would say that - she's no dummy! I think it's a first small step - I intend to be much stronger (but not LB'ing) for the duration - I feel like I need to generate more respect from her, and this is one way to do it - not to be a wimp.