My wife just told me about an affair she's been having for the past few months. She told me that it is over and I believe her. My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place tonight, from embarrassment to disbelief to anger. One thought has remain in my rollercoster of emotions: I don't want to separate. Later, we talked about it and I told her how it made me feel. We both agreed that we want to work things out. My question is how do I get past this? I know I've only known for about 3hrs and I have many more feelings and thoughts to go through and who knows, I might decide to end it. But right now I feel it is fixable and I believe we are both committed to working on it. Just what do we do next? We are already in counseling. Thanks

Plan A her. Be there to listen and try not to ask questions. No LB<p>Time is the only thing that helps the pain. It will get better. Take one day at a time and get on anti depressents. These help so much.<p>Come here when you feel down. Let her know you love her no matter what she has done.<p>stay strong.<p>SLH

Dear burns:<p>Welcome to MB. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The first thing you need to do is to thank your lucky stars that you have found MB...I struggled through what you are going through alone and I think MB would have made it much easier to understand.<p>Before you make any decisions take some time to acquaint yourself with this website and with the basic tenents of MB. There is lots of help here to help you understand what you and your W are going through and the possible reasons why.<p>There is also information to make you think about what your responsibility is in this whole matter....the gist of what I'm trying to say is....read...read...read....everything you can find relevant to affairs and infidelity on this site and any of the referenced materials....they will help immensely...and then post and share with others in common circumstances...all this wil help to give you the perspective to decide what you need to do and how to go about it.<p>Others will be here I'm sure to give you the links to begin this process...so I leave you to them and wish you lucky in this journey or "roller-coaster ride" as we called. <p>Sorry you have to be here but we'll be here if you need us.<p>
Faye<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: buffy ]</p>

Thanks Buffy and Still. Looking back I know exactly what caused this, there was a total breakdown in communication between us. I've been to this site before, but not for infidelity. Reading through Plan A, I believe we have already begun. She has vowed not to see him again. He lives 4hrs away so it's not like they will see each other daily. I believe that our marriage will survive. My biggest worry is dealing with the emotions. I don't think antidepressants are the way to go. Are many people on them here? I know we will be living one day at a time for a long while. Thanks again.

burns,<p>people make mistakes - avoid judgments, be forgiving<p>healing takes time - give it time<p>deal with your wife as you would want her to deal with you if the situation was reversed<p>don't try to rationalise or find any logic in the situation - it'll drive you mad because there isn't any<p>take care of yourself,<p>- Freddy

Hi Burns<p>Freddy had some very good advise....... don't try to figure out the logic behind it..... it will drive you MAD!!!!<p>My d-day was 3 months ago. Therapist and my W still tell me not to over analyze everything. My biggest problem however, has been the pace of recovery. As a business man, I identify a problem and begin to implement a plan to fix it. That has not worked when it comes to our marriage. Probably because of all the emotions involved. <p>When I agreed to try to do whatever possible to save the marriage, I expected immediate changes in behavior. I expected her to open her heart back up to me. That STILL has not happened. I did things earlier in our marriage that closed her heart to me.( anger outbursts, sarcasm etc.) She has seen the changes and improvements that I have made over the last yearand is now SLOWLY opening her heart back up to me. By controlling my anger, I have now created a safe place for her to share her feelings.<p>You must be patient and realize that your marriage didn't get in trouble overnight, and it is not going to be recovered overnight. As the BS, you are going to feel like you are putting more effort into recovery than she is. That is ok and normal...... Just remember to keep working on yourself and she will catch up when she see's all the improvements that you are making. She needs time for her HEART to catch up with her HEAD.<p>Good luck......... and remember PATIENCE!!!

Burns<p>I think many if not most here are on anti depressents. I am and so is my WH. It helps you not dwell on the stuff in your head. I can say they have really helped me and are now starting to help my H.<p>Time is the key and talking without LB. My WH has now told me all aspects of the A it really does not hurt like I thought it would. I told him that I was already hurt and anything he tells me will not hurt any worse.<p>Sometimes we even laugh at her. It is really hard not to say anything bad about OW. I am getting better with this. <p>Tell your WS that you are her friend and want to be there for her.<p>Good luck and stay strong it does get better.

For me it has been 10 months since I discovered my wife's affair. I still think of it each day. It is very true that trying to understand it will drive you crazy. There is no good explanation and no way to look at it that will put it in a good light. I have done a survey on this site and all the BS people think about it every day even when it has been several years and the marriage is going great. So forget about quick recovery. However you can still have a marriage that works although this spoiled a lot of things and your emotions will go all over the map.