bump... I really need some help.

Ok JB,<p>I was just getting ready to retire for the night but I will post and be here if you need. <p>Now before you go off on her actions, I want you to step back for a moment. <p>Here I will send this so you know I am posting and I will pick up and add more in a minute.<p>I'm back. Breathe and calm down a bit. Her turn is part of that crazy roller coaster ride. You appear to be taken aback and rightly so. Now you have seen it happen right before your eyes. Don't stay dazed and confused. You will understand in a while what has just transpired. <p>In a day or so, when you have calmed down ask your W why did she take such a drastic turn? Let her know that you need to see some reasonablness on her part. This pendelum swing of emotions is not a good way to make a decision. Ask her what happened in her life to make her change her mind so quickly? Don't accuse her of an A but listen closely to what she is saying and watch her eyes? <p>If you are having a hard time understanding, then ask her if whatever it is that made her change her mind is something you can see, hear or do? That may take her by surprise, don't try to 2nd guess her, let her explain herself. <p>Something happened or snapped. You are probably aware of an A. She will have to face that music soon and the guilt of hiding it from you will soon overwhelm her and she will have to confess. <p>Now if you can step back and tell her that when she can reasonably present herself to you, you would be willing to discuss your family's future. <p>Remember now, she could swing back in your favor. If she does, don't get too happy. This fog stuff is weird. Don't get sucked into anything. <p>OK? I will post later. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Hey Orchid,<p>Thank you so much for staying up. That really means a lot to me.<p>But yes she had an affair a while back and we've been in recovery for over a month now. And it was going great. Maybe she's had another "A", I wouldn't be suprised. But I don't think so.<p>Anyway I'm not going to write anymore tonight. It's been a long painful night and I'm going to crash.<p>I'll update/explain more tomorrow.<p>Thanks again!

kb,<p>slow down kb, she's suffering withdrawal and you're seeing some of those symptoms. Her mood swings will be hard for you - just try and put some emotional distance in there for the moment. If she moved back in with you in September, that's not very long ago. It might even be too early to discuss re-marriage - that could be even more traumatic for both of you.<p>Give it time - if she still says it's over after 6 months then it probably is.<p>take care<p>- Freddy<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

(((kb4jb))) The hardest part of ALL of this for me has been my H's indecision. He has made me feel many times that he's here for the long haul. That he truly, truly loves me. Then, a week later, if I have an opinion that's different than his, he questions his reasons for being home. It SUCKS. I wish I had an answer for you, but what Freddy said is true; give it some time, don't rush into remarriage (if she has a spell of a week, where she wants to be remarried). If after 6 months she still wants to remarry you, I think you can feel safe at that time. If not, then it's probably truly over. Sorry no sound answers, 'cause I will never understand the indecision thing; I mean throughout all the pain of the lies and betrayal, my H has NEVER had to question my love for him. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. If we want our marriages to recover, I guess it's one of those things that we need to decide if we can take it or not. My prayers for patience and strength for you are coming!!<p>MOM

Thanks Freddy,<p>This is just so hard to understand. Things were going great up until a few days ago. <p>She was the one wanting to get back together, move in and remarried. She pushed us back into this. She swore she knew what she wanted. She hasn't even paid her rent in 2 months so she could be evicted so she could live with me and the kids totally. It was all her. Yes I wanted our life back, but I didn't come to her, she came to me. And now she doesn't want it, and doesn't even seem to remember or feel that just a few days ago she was dedicating her life to me. And that she was happy about it.<p>Yes I knew better. I knew we were probably rushing it. But it was a total dedication on her part which is what I was waiting for and thought I had. I knew it was too soon for her to start living with me again, but every night when it got that time we'd both rather her stay with me than go to her place. And it just grew into her calling my place home. And since we've been back together for these 6-7 weeks and she was letting her aparment go, it shows me more that this is what she wanted. And how she now doesn't want it blows me away. She even said part of her doesn't want it to work.<p>WTF!!!!

Thank you myownme. I just can't believe this has happened. She's been so sure of herself, things were great, we were on the road to a great recovery. She's told her friends, parents and children(which pisses me off more than anything) that we were back together forever and now just a few days later it didn't mean a thing.<p>I can't understand this, I just can't and I'm trying.<p>oh yeah, I really don't know if I can take this. I mean I know I'll be ok. But I'm not sure if I can fight for our relationship anymore. I mean come on, if things were so good for the past 6 weeks why did she slip again? Things really have been great for both of us, better than it has in years. There was NO reason for this, none.<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>

kb,<p>what you are experiencing is all part of the rollercoaster. Looking for answers to the ups and downs will only drive you mad.<p>My suggestion would be to protect yourself from this as much as you can. For sure Plan A your wife, but if she pushes take it a little easier. She needs time to get the affair out of her system and you both need time to adjust to the new situation.<p>Having lived through her affair, the split up of the family and then a divorce you're both having to deal with a lot of conflicting emotions and pain. Are you convinced this is what you want? Are you sure that you want to try with her again? what are you both doing to protect the marriage now that was different before? I'd look at some of the tough questions here.<p>take care of yourself kb, slow steps<p>- Freddy

Thanks again Freddy.<p>The past wonerful month we had together proved to myself that yes this is what I wanted.<p>I've been plan "A"ing it since she's returned and doing a great job at it. All the love and effort I was putting into it was being returned. There were very few LBs. We were getting along great. We were doing everything right, well I guess except for getting my hopes up too much.

kb,<p>it's ok to get your hopes up, just remember that she'll suffer withdrawal symptoms and is probably still in the fog. All this means is that if you brace yourself to expect some set backs it'll be easier for you to cope.<p>Keep your head up, kb, you're doing a great job and you can take pride in the strength of character that you're demonstrating.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy

Hey Freddy<p>One thing I haven't mentioned on this thread but I have in the past. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and paranoia. She's on medication and doesn't take it consistantly. Maybe that's what's causing this now.<p>I called her doctor to see if I should talk with him about what she's now doing. I think he needs to know how badly she's reversed herself again. She may be worse off than he even knows. And maybe it will help me to understand her better. The doctor's secretary thinks that since she's not taking the medication all the time, like she's suppose to, is causing all of this. I had to talk to her about this, hoping she could relay the message to the doctor and maybe him call me today to talk about it. But he's too busy and I'm seeing him Thursday.<p>Quick question... I have legal custody of our daughter. She has legal custody of our son. If her doctor thinks she's unstable, can he help me get my son back? There's a lot of stuff she's in trouble for anyway, but I don't think it's enough to show her to be unfit. But if she is manic depressive and unstable and medicated, can he recommend that I get custody? It really is for my son, not for me getting back at her or anything like that. I just don't believe she's best for the job. I've proven through all this for the past year that I'm stable, responsible and able to handle both kids all the time. Even though she has custody of our son, they've both lived with me at least 90% of the time.<p>Oh well, that's it for now. I sure could use a little encouragement from her that there is a chance. Right now she's telling me not to get my hopes up... 3 days after she proclaimed her never ending love for me again. Sorry I know I already said that ealier, but it's still very hard to try and undertand this complete change.

kb,<p>Is it really that hard to understand? If your wife is diagnosed with a medical condition I'd respectfully suggest that you need to factor this into your behaviour.<p>I'm not in this situation myself, but I've had two experiences in my life which suggest that you need to take extra care. Last year my sons kindergarten teacher committed suicide - she was depressive - and my colleagues wife overdosed also due to depression.<p>Don't underestimate what she's going through - if you think she needs extra help from the doctor, help her get it.<p>take care of yourself and your family, kb, vent if you need to you'll need all the strength you can muster.<p>- Freddy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong>kb,<p>Is it really that hard to understand? If your wife is diagnosed with a medical condition I'd respectfully suggest that you need to factor this into your behaviour.
- Freddy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What makes it so hard is that she can't even begin to see that she's rushing into ending this even though it could just be her depression that she's more than well aware of. <p>Should I call her and leave a message that I understand she's confused and I want to help her through this? Or should I just leave her alone?

Hi, <p>Do you have a counselor you can both visit? If not can you go alone? Maybe a call to Steve might be helpful. Sounds like you need professional advice here if you are dealing with a medical condition. <p>Take careful steps and take care of yourself also. <p>L.