lim,<p>This will be somewhat rehashing previous posts, but I just felt like posting today. <p>You seem to have a pretty good handle on my situation, so I want your opinion on some things. As you know, I've tried to convince my W to sell the house and try a separation first before filing. She agrees we need to sell the house, doesn't appear to be open to a separation. I haven't been able to find any proof of continued contact with OM, but I should know something soon. In my gut, I know he's still in the picture.<p>Here are a few possible scenarios that can play out:<p>If she agrees to separate and she is still in contact with him, I will go to plan B (recommended by Steve Harley)<p>If she agrees to separate but she is not in contact with him, do I continue to plan A?<p>If she files for D and she is still in contact with him, I will counter file on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty (also recommended by Steve); Whether I can prove it or not doesn't really matter, it's the risk of exposure.<p>If she files for D but she is not in contact with him, do I still counter file or just accept it's over?<p>The problem is I may never get proof that they are still involved, but I know they are. If they weren't, why would she be so insistent that we sit down and work out all the details of the D ourselves with minimal lawyer involvement? Why would she be so determined to avoid a custody battle? Let's face it, she's a woman, the odds are greatly in her favor. Why would she be willing to concede to 50/50 shared custody of our daughter without putting up a fight? That's an awfully big concession to make and not in our daughter's best interest. <p>I already know the answers to these questions, I just need some reassurance.<p>Thanks.<p>sad dad

sad dad,
I was just wondering about you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My 2 cents... or maybe only 1 cent [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .....<p>She may be eager to sit down and negotiate without much lawyer interference just to keep things simple. She doens't want to be the bad guy and make this process ugly for you. maybe. Or maybe she is still in her A and doesn't want you to counter-file on grounds of adultery. I am facing the same situation right now.... H is rushing me and being nice, to come to an agreement. I'm taking my time, and making him squirm a little about the A and alll........ not to be mean, but this shouldn't be quick and easy for him to just be done with me.<p>Another thought, is if you plan to counter file, you will need proof (I believe) and it may be worth it to hire a P.I. ?? I dunno.<p>Glad to see an update from you. Hang in there.

Hi SD- I'm glad you posted to me- I was in your exact same spot 6 mo ago- thinking, thinking, all day long about what my H would do next! Its enough to make your head split from the stress. Because your W is in an intense EA/PA like my H was with OW I want to tell you NEVER underestimate the influence that OM is having on her decisions at this point.And its safe to assume contact is continuing due to her personality at this time. I personally think your W is trying to avoid lawyers due to guilt she feels deep down inside about hurting you and also probably legal advice she has gotten from her attorney regarding the fact that many family court judges DO take affairs into account when awarding custody. That is the same I reason she doesnt want to separate from you even if you sell the house- she's gotten legal advice that leaving your home will affect her chances of custody. My H did the same thing- refused to leave but slept on the couch for months saying he wanted a D. Had moved out but then back in due to talking to his attorney. She is trying to avoid legal abandonment charges. The sad thing is your W probably doesnt even truly realize how much her thinking is being affected by pressure from OM. I know my H is 6 mo from any contact with OW and is just NOW realizing how much she influenced him. My advice is that if she files on you by all means tell her it will be no quick and easy dissolution but a full blown contested divorce. Thats what I told my H. Along with telling him I would move and start my whole life over somewhere else.We used to argue and argue about the quick divorce compared to the long drawn out one. I told him if he filed on me to ACCEPT the consequences. Its my opinion that divorce is far too easy these days and the quick way out for cheaters to avoid facing the consequences of their actions. My H says now that he actually thanks God every day I didnt give up on our marriage.Its sure been the long road to get to this point though. H kept thinking he could remain 'friends' with OW and that just isnt possible if the marriage is to recover. lifeismessy

faith1,<p>I don't think my W is just trying to make this simple. There are financial and custody issues that need to be addressed by lawyers that have nothing to do with her A. I thought the A was over 3 months ago, but found out it wasn't. I have no reason to believe it is now. I should know something soon.<p>lim,<p>Our situations couldn't be more similar. I agree with your assessment completely. She wants to avoid the consequences of her actions. Public exposure will have a backlash affect with her family and potential custody ramifications. Three months ago things were still going strong with OM. Shortly after that, I told her I would fight her for custody. Since then details of her A have been hard to find. I don't think that's a coincidence. Her willingness to concede to 50/50 shared custody without even testing the waters in court is very odd. <p>I don't want to drag her through the mud by counter filing, but it seems she's got to see the consequences of her actions before anything will change. If nothing else, at least I'll get the chance for the truth to be told. I may not have enough to prove adultery, I just want my day in court. I'll let the judge decide. Hopefully that won't be necessary. I don't intend on telling her any of this ahead of time. It will come of as a threat. I'll wait for her to file and respond accordingly. <p>sad dad

Hi SD- Do you think your W is in contact daily with OM? My H had worked with OW very closely for about 18 mo before their EA turned PA. By then he was saying things I NEVER thought he would say such as- 'divorce wont harm the kids as long as we do it right' " our marriage is hopeless and counseling cant help' etc etc! Things that he NEVER would have said before OW was in his life. We had been married 15 years at the time of his A and never had talked about divorce before! This is why I urge you to realize that OM is probably daily coaching her on how she shouldnt be worried about breaking up your marriage. A strong EA can actually lead to the WS needing to be literally deprogrammed when they finally end it. It can be truly like an addiction to them to talk daily to their OP. The worst thing is though that YOU have to live with them in their state of mind! Its emotionally draining to say the least. My attorney advised me to state clearly and calmly to my H that divorce is WRONG and I wont agree to an easy dissolution. Then to not discuss it further with him since it led to our fighting about custody, the house etc! My H kept bringing up getting me a cheaper house to live in- and here we had just bought a brand new 3000 square ft beautiful home that we just had finished the landscaping on and is in an excellent school district! That just goes to show how OW had poisoned his mind so completely. I really feel for you having to wait this out. But I do believe that if your W does finally deal with the REALITY of what she is doing she may wake up like my H who finally said to me that he was making the worst mistake of his life to have filed on me. This was just hours after he told me that he was SURE that D was what he wanted and I had received the papers. So see how whacko their thinking can become? Hang in there. lifeismessy

lim,<p>My W and OM work together, although not in the same department. I'm sure they still talk daily at work. My W has said similar things, like "our marriage has spun completely out of control", "I don't see how separating will do any good", "our daughter will be happy as long as we're happy (after D)". Yeah, she'll be happy not seeing both her parents every day, losing the only place she's known as home, spending one holiday with mom, the next with dad, etc. Just last week she said "if you want to put our daughter through a custody battle, it'll be on your conscience". I said "there wouldn't need to be a custody battle if there wasn't a divorce". Her reply was "don't try to lay that on me". Lay what on her, the truth?<p>Also, even though things weren't right between us for about 6 months, my W never mentioned D until a few days after d-day. That was 6 months ago.<p>Maybe my W and your H are distant relatives. All I can do right now is gather info, wait for her to file and respond accordingly. I think she'll need to file before reality begins to creep in.<p>Thanks for being there.<p>sad dad<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

lim,<p>The more I think about it, there more I want her to file. It will bring things out in the open faster. Separating will only prolong my pain. I realize that's an odd position for a BS to take, but I truly believe things need to get a little ugly before anything will change. Maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter, because if she were willing to try a separation she would have agreed to it by now.<p>sad dad<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Hi Sad Dad -
I've been reading and kept up on your progress. I'm so sad for you and your daughter...<p>Have you though about hiring a PI to "get to the truth." Also this might help if it comes down to a knock-down drag-out custody battle - to have hard evidence.
After our d-day, it took me about 9 days to hire a PI - - he had evidence in my hand 2 days later.
There's no denying it if it's black and white. <p>Self preservation is key
good luck
LLL

<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>