well h came back for 6wks and said he didn't love me and wasn't motivated to do things and felt we should just divorce.he then said the only reason he came back was to prove to family that we wouldn't work b/c they kept pressuring him to come back and work things out but all along he didn't want to be w me.and wanted to show them that by moving back in the feelings just weren't there.he had them believing ow was also out of the picture.said he didn't come back w intentions to work things out.so he was out to prove a point and in the meantime deceived me and our 6 yr old.how could he come back knowing that 6 yr old thought her dad was her to stay that is evil and rotten to do when a child is involved.he had also told ow initially that he came back and was staying w aunt to be closer to daughter and now he has told her the reason was to prove a point to family but didn't tell that he stayed and slept w me for the past 6 wks.me and ow spoke and i told her things she also told me things and told me that he was trying to get her pregnant???we had him on 3way and he denied ever being in the house w me.said i just made that up to get back at him for his reason for coming back denied his clothes were at my house (which they still are)i told him i never want him to step foot in the house again.i packed his stuff and it is sitting in the livingroom.and 6 yr is upset that he is gone ow also told me that she didnt know he was married b/c he was dating (married 6 yrs and dating)and when she found out he was married he pretended to be separated and that he was gonna tell her when divorce went through (no divorce was in process)they eventually moved in together and he said he was ok with it bc he was dating and was tired of that and ready for a commitment.he is now i believe back with ow and is avoiding me and the rest of his family.me b/c of probably all the hurtful stuff he said to me and also because i told ow everything and how he has been intimate w me since april (he denied everything)i don't want him back but how could you do that to someone you have known for 10 yrs and how do you plot something like that when a child is watching and things are gonna fall on her and hurt her.he was also telling i should let daughter meet ow and be ok w daughter sleeping on ow couch on the wkends i did not and will not agree to that.do you find anything wrong with how i am acting.i am just so hurt with knowing someone could go out and hurt another person in such a harsh way when all i ever wanted was a committed,honest and fun filled relationship with him he just turned out to be a creep and has hurt me and our child.what do you think

just needed to bump myself up pls all responses will be appreciated

leftalone,<p>I'm so sorry that you're suffering like this. Some men can behave very badly, even when they have a child.<p>It would help you to make your boundaries known - tell him what you're willing to accept and make sure he acknowledges that he's understood. Then hold him to them.<p>Get him on the question of committing to work on the marriage. He's obviously not understood what this means. It doesn't mean that it's working when he moves back in with you. It means that you both have to discuss and agree the areas which need working on. It means accepting that he's part of the relationhsip and he has to do his part to make it work. This is what he should be doing - not looking for confirmation of his position.<p>If the intentions aren't clear, then I wouldn't have him back in the house. I'd go to a strong Plan B, break contact with him and make it known that the only way back is with the understanding above.<p>Be strong, leftalone - you have many people out here who you can count on. Be strong, the little one needs you.<p>- Freddy<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

any one else have anything to add?
in regards to freddy's respone i am a bit confused as to what he his talking about we are not working on fixing any marriage.i just was wondering how a person could know they don't want to work things out and come back just to prove a point to his family?wouldn't it have been easier to sit down with me and tell me he no longer wanted to be involved in the marriage.instead of playing games w me and then having child think he was back home.now he is gonna again and daughter is upset (we will make it w/o him)it just hurts that someone you've known for 10 yrs could go and intentionally hurt someone.i am not looking for a way to work it out just trying to figure out how someone can be so cold and hurt people and have no heart.he has been cheating all along so it is just over and i just wanted a few enlightening thoughts plan a and b are over we are not gonna be together he says he never wanted to work things out w me but came back to prove to his family it wouldn't work.me and him were never a thought to him but he wouldn't divorce me early on when i suggested it claims money was an issue and he kept on telling he would work it out and all that was just lies and now its over.

just wanted to bump myself up is anybody out there?

Allow me to be honest with you, and please know that I have your best interests at heart.<p>I read your original post this morning, and although I felt for your pain, I wasn't sure what to say. Also, it was a bit difficult to read and understand because it isn't broken up into paragraphs. <p>I think Freddy answered well considering the information you provided in your original post.<p>You are at Marriage Builders, so it stands to reason that we'd (Freddy and all who have read) think that you want to know how to rebuild your marriage. However, when Freddy suggests that, you say you are not interested in rebuilding your marriage.<p>So... I guess the first thing to do is formally welcome you to Marriage Builders and ask if you have read the material here. <p>Allow me to share a welcome letter with you. Please click on the links to read more about what we do here at Marriage Builders, and best wishes to you, no matter what you choose.<p>Hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<p>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –>Tour of Marriage Builders and General Welcome. <p>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <p>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –>What Are Plan A and Plan B.<p>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the Emotional Needs of your spouse,and avoid Love Busters whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the POJA to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<p>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> Counsel Link<p>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!
<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Nyneve ]</p>

Dear LA,<p>I am sorry your H is so fogged up and doing this to everyone (you, your child and yes even the dumb OW). Why is she dumb? Because she is allowing him back in now with the knowledge that he is married. <p>LA, you gotta let this play out. You are not out of the woods yet and your feelings are pretty standard by nature. The stage where you are at is frustrating for the BS. You feel unwanted and cast aside for what a bimbo? Now step back and look at what others are seeing. Your H is out there making a fool of himself and he doesn't even know he has egg on his face. Will you let him stay that way? <p>If he does not want to let you wipe off that egg then you have to let him walk around like that. It brings shame and disgrace on your family but you can't control that. Not yet. <p>As a result you will be hurt. You now have a choice to let yourself stay hurt and wallow in pity or pick up yourself and move forward. I am not saying to leave your M by any means. I am saying, learn about plan A vs plan B. Decide what you can and can not handle. Each BS here has their tolerence level. You'd be surprised what you think you can handle vs what you actually do handle. You may even surprise the WS out there in la la land. <p>Have you ever read the thread on the 5 stages of grieving? It was from a BS dad on the d/d board. I share it regularly with many here. Let me know and I can forward it to you tonight as I have to do it from my home computer. <p>Take Care,
L.