My husband left exactly two weeks ago. I was devestated. I'm taking my antidepressents and seeing a counselor and actually seem to be doing much better. Then my husband drops by and promises me he's coming home in a few days. A few days pass and then he says the same thing again. He doesn't want to hurt her. Is he just used to hurting me so he just keeps on doing it. I do want him home, but I can't take these ups and downs anymore.

vl<p>So sorry about your pain, this really hurts and you are going to have unbelievable (at the moment) ups and downs.<p>Why does your H tell you he's coming home? Does he just come out and say this or do you ask him?<p>Does he say he doesn't want to hurt her or is this what you are thinking?<p>I think as long as he is still with ow, you should believe very little of what he says. Lies are very common when it comes to affairs.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by vintagelace:
<strong>He doesn't want to hurt her. Is he just used to hurting me so he just keeps on doing it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sadly, vintagelace, I think the answer to your question might be "yes." In a long-term marriage where all of that nice tingly initial passion has worn off, of course you've learned how to hurt each other - you to hurt him, and him to hurt you. The dynamic between a WS and an affair partner is very different - it is much like a new romance where you don't come down too hard on the other person, even when something they do drives you nuts. As a BW, I went through the same thing. My H never out and out said that he didn't want to hurt her, but that was implied. It didn't matter to him that she was sending me anon email and letters ... and then there were always those pleasant two a.m. hang-up calls. It *is* infuriating, and I completely understand how you feel. <p>You must trust me when I tell you this ... once this is completely resolved, some time down the line, you won't envy the OW a bit. You won't envy her the time and consideration that your H gave her because in the final analysis, you did not sacrifice your integrity to get it. <p>I know it sounds far-fetched. But it's very, very true. It just takes a lot of time ... and healing. You will be there one day. But now is your time to grieve.<p>blessings,<p>belld

After he first left he called me and said he needed a few days to work things out and everything would be fine. Of course, he went straight to her house. He says he isn't happy their. I asked him the first few times he dropped by if he was coming home, but I don't anymore. He promises me a day and I just believe him, but he doesn't come home. He always says it's so hard to tell her.<p>He stopped by Sunday afternoon and promised me this Wednesday and he would see me tomorrow. I didn't answer the phone all day. I didn't want to talk to him. I spoke to a counselor Monday evening. I beginning to pretty good. Today I left the house for most of the day. I didn't want to see him either. I didn't want to give him the opportunity to tell me why he wasn't coming home Wednesday.<p>A few hours ago, he showed up and I said, " what time are you coming home tomorrow?" Now it has to be Thursday. I don't understand. I told him, "I guess it's easier to just keep on hurting me, you've never hurt her." He said I'll see you Thursday.<p>Why is he doing this? I haven't been the happiest person alive, but I haven't been crying for the past few days either. It doesn't help being out of work for the past six weeks. I broke my arm. Thank goodness I go back to work on Monday. I need it.

Why? Because he has an emotional relationship with her and you don't. This was hard for me to believe. Because if the OW fell off the face of the earth, I would not even skip a beat. Yet I am sure, the WS would mourn. <p>When I realized that I altered my tactics a bit. I acknowledged his feelings for her. You know what, he began to discount his feelings. Saying stuff like, well I don't like her that much. Hm..... is it just to irritate us? I even asked him that and he kinda said yes. <p>What? Just to irritate me? Ok, I can accomodate that request. Here, now I show my displeasure more often. In our case, my submissiveness and quiet demeanor (do you all believe that? - LOL!) actually made him go out? Oh boy heavy confusion fog settling in. But you know what? That is where his head was. So I stuck my head in the fog, said some real illogical stuff and eventually he saw how stupid it sounded (back at him) and started coming out. <p>I am not recommending this method but for me it seemed to work. Why? I don't know, I am logical by nature but logic was not working so I took the drastic route. Go figure. <p>So pull up your boot straps, you have some muddy waters to wade thru.<p>L.

V, your H is in a fog, don't believe A WORD he says. When he is with you, he probably truly believes what he is saying, then the fog rolls in, he is confused, he doesn't know what to do - so he stalls.<p>It is SO typical of the WS. All you can do is take it with a grain of salt and say "I'll believe it when I see it."<p>My H is the KING of stalling. He still is today. He also did not want to hurt the OW. Today, he HATES her and couldn't give a rat's as* what she feels.<p>Your H is a good person deep down inside, most good people don't want to hurt another person (yes, this includes OW), I'm sure he doesn't WANT to hurt you, but think of it this way: Your H is going through HELL, extreme HELL, he is confused and doesn't know up from down, so most likely he's taking this out on you, WHY??? Because you have always been there, he's used to it, and he probably believes you will take it and still be there for him later.<p>All this is done subconsciously of course, if you asked your H, he would have no clue.<p>Just keep telling yourself "my H is in a fog", do the best plan A you can, and don't put ANY faith in his words. Go by his actions ONLY.<p>Once he is serious and moves home, get the no-contact agreement put in place. Without that, you'll be lost or in the same place another month from now...<p>HbH

I'm going to be the lone dissenter and argue that vintagelace needs to go directly to Plan B. I spoke w/ Steve Harley shortly after my H moved in with the OW, and he told me that my H actually living with her altered everything. That as long as my H was actually living with her, I needed to be in Plan B. I initiated Plan B, and he was back within the week.<p>vintagelace, I'm not sure how much material you've read on this website yet, but Plan B is initiating no contact with your H until the A ends. It doesn't have to be done nastily or designed in any way to hurt him. I encourage you to read "Surviving an Affair" (by Harley) and see which plan works for you. At this point, I am more concerned about your mental health - your H is "playing" two women and getting away with it. Until someone calls it quits and decides not to be a part of the "game" anymore, the game *will* continue. <p>It sound as though your H does want to come back to you and needs some encouragement. But asking him and setting deadlines apparently is not going to do it. Now is the time to pull out the big guns. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>belld