<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: Carol Y ]</p>

Carol, <p>Welcome to marriage builders. Your situation parallels many here. You are among those who understand what both you and your H are going through. I will reference you to a some threads showing the refernces that helped me. In there is one of the general welcome packages. Read and learn here. There are other tools available for you to help you and your marriage. <p>While there is no guarantee to recovery, with the right effort there is benefit to those who try. <p>I encourage you to read the books here also, his needs/her needs has been very helpful. How your H is reacting to all this and how much pull is being given on the OWs side will impact your situation. Understand that not all things are within your control. The pain you are feeling and will feel is intense. You will also need to consider your physical, mental and emotional well being. Take care of yourself go to the doctor if you need to. You are not alone in this situation. Many of us have travelled down this rough road and survived. <p>Here are the links. <p>Welcome package:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html<p>
Acronyms:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html<p>
An interview by Dr Shiley Glass:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011376.html<p>
A success story:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012173.html<p>
5 stages of grieving:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html<p>The 5 stages of greiving thread is for betrayed spouses. <p>Hope these threads help a bit. There is a lot more info out here. The time you vest into learning the MB concepts is time well spent. There are also other tools here such as the phone counseling that can add to the benefit. <p>Take Care,
L.

I promised that I'd refer everybody to whom I posted, and so here it is. Get and read SAA (Surviving an Affair, available in the site's bookstore). It gives some examples and explanations of types of affairs, detailed descriptions of plan A and plan B, and other tips for not recovering a marriage after an A, but I think it ought to be required reading for those ABOUT to be married. I just got it today and I've finished about half of it (If you had any idea how slowly I read, you'd know how utterly serious I am about this recommendation).<p>Hope that will help you both,
Kev

I was struck by something you said. You said all these years he accepted you didnt have that special feeling for him. Now you fall apart when he finds someone who makes him feel special.
Didnt mean that to sound so harsh, sorry.
Anyway I think this is where you should start. Why did you keep him at arms length all these years? What are you afraid of?
Just a thought, if Im off base I appologize.
Come back to chat, and read read read

Carol,<p>there's no guarantees that you can reconcile but if you're both willing to work at it then there's every chance.<p>My W probably treated me in a similar way to how you've been treating your H - so you're not alone. For my W there was a long list of priorities, kids, sister, girlfriends (of which there are many), mum, dad, not so close girlfriends (of which there are also many) and then at some point me. This has caused me a lot of frustration over the those and which I made known, but it was always ignored. My W made her frustrations known too and naturally I took my chance to ignore those. Eye for an eye and all that.<p>Anyways, after a couple of As, the advice on this site, a few good books, some counselling and putting into practice what we've learned, it's working. Our relationship is getting back on track despite everything that's happened. So it is possible.<p>However, if you want to reconcile you have to start at the basics, he has to cut contact with the OW, you need to develop a good Plan A which address his needs and you have to spend time together to make it work. <p>If your H is in another country is it possible for you to be there with him? It sounds like your Plan A should involve you telling him and showing him how important he is to you and how much you love him - and the best way to do this is to be there with him. It'll also help you keep OW off him and help him not get sidetracked.<p>good luck, and keep posting [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: Carol Y ]</p>