Not that I'm ready to implement Plan B by any stretch, but writing my Plan B letter somehow seems comforting to me in a strange way right now - not sure why. (Actually, Plan A seems to be doing okay so far - but who knows - she might come home tonight and say she's leaving.)<p>Any unintentional LB'ing going on here as seen by objective eyes?<p>Dear (WS),<p>Well, this will be the hardest thing I will have to ever write – I hope. I’ve written a lot before, and expect to write a lot in the future, but this will without doubt be the hardest.<p>I had originally started to compose two different letters – one if you decided to go, and another if I decided I could no longer stay. I found that both of these letters had similar themes, so I have combined both into one. Regardless of situation, the contents will apply equally.<p>My dear, I do love you. And I am in love with you. But this situation cannot continue as it has been. It’s just too destructive to our love – it will kill it for both of us if we continue as we have.<p>I cannot continue in this situation. Therefore – I must leave. I don’t do this to punish or hurt – quite the contrary – I do so while my love still remains intact and while I still hold out some form of hope for us. But there are things that would be necessary in order for me to get to a place where I can consider reconciliation:<p>1. You must end your relationship with (OM), fully, completely and unconditionally.
2. You must fully commit to mending our marriage based on a set of principles and an action plan that we agree to.
3. I can’t already be in another relationship, and I still have to feel motivated to mend our marriage.<p>And I must make one thing perfectly clear: we cannot maintain any form of contact other than that which is absolutely required. I will not return phone calls. I will respond to e-mail only on an absolutely necessary basis. Again, this is not done to punish, but is done to protect my feelings, protect my remaining love, and allow me to heal. I simply feel like I’ve reached a point where our progress as a couple has stagnated, and my feelings of hopelessness tell me that it’s time to go.<p>You have to know that I would do anything to help make a life for us that exceeds anything you could possibly imagine. And I’ve shown you just a sample of what I can become over the past weeks and months. But I just can’t continue allowing myself to have my love and self-respect eroded – it just hurts too much. You might see me as something of a monster in your mind. I have accepted this willingly. But I am a human being, and I deserve to live a good life – a life that I’ve shown will be far different than what you or I have known to date – and I can’t continue to wait to get there.<p>If I have decided to leave, I will be moving into a hotel starting this weekend while I find a new place, likely in the city. Next weekend, I’d like to come back and pick up more of my things. We can arrange a time when you’ll be away via e-mail. If you’d like, please make a list of things you’d like to keep, and if there’s anything that matches what I want to keep, we can negotiate by e-mail. As it is, I don’t think I want much of anything specific.<p>If you have decided to leave, I will be looking to move into a new place regardless. In doing so, it will be considerably smaller, and I will likely want to rid myself of much of our stuff. As described above, we can figure out what to distribute based on a list. I will also note things that I will get rid of, and you can decide what you want from it.<p>I have opened a bank account for myself and my direct deposit is now going there. We should divide current joint account assets 50-50. (If I’m the one leaving, this will obviously leave you with enough money to reside here for as long as you need to find a place of your own.) Also, when you tell your family, please let me know so I can send my prepared messages to them. And as a favor, please tell them not to talk to my parents about it yet. I’d like to tell my parents by snail-mail – it’ll just be easier that way. If you’d like to see my messages, I will show them – and even consider your input.<p>I’d like to end by saying that I too believe all will turn out in the end. My faith in God, my belief in your goodness, and my hope in myself bring joy to my heart, even at this dark time. I will pray for you, for me, and for the future, whatever it holds. Remember that I love you, (WS).

JR,<p>Hi, I havent really been following your situation, but will give you my imput for what I think as I read it.<p>I think the part about you leaving or her is a little confusing. You might wnat to go back to the two letters if you dont know yet or leave out the detaild for now.<p>Leave out the part about being too destructive to your love. You can say it about you, but dont try and tell her what her feelings are and I wouldnt mention Killing your love, sounds too final.<p>
Leave out point #3. Sounds like a threat and a plan to date. And you want to leave the impression that you are strong and know your marriage is repairable.<p>Again leave out the part of her seeing you as a monster,its putting words in her mouth. Maybe specify some of the things you are working to change that you know she wants you to do.<p>maybe just a little more at the end of what you envision... a marraige where you both love and protect each other and make each other happy. Where you meet each others needs as you never have before, a new marraige that is based on love and respect and working together.<p>Just my 2cents...
Lora

Thanks, Lora, I'll definitely consider those ideas..<p>For some more background, you can see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013266<p>Yes, the premise I've been going on to date is that if she decides to leave, I'll resort to Plan B - I just feel that her leaving would (possibly) put me in a position where I could honestly execute it in good faith - I'm not even sure why at this stage. And there will come a day if she doesn't leave on her own yet tries to keep both OM and me, that I'll simply have had enough - it's hard now, but I can only imagine how I'll be feeling in a few months. Two different letters would allow for the differences in context, mind you.<p>And your other points are well taken - some changes in wording (and action) do seem to make a world of difference in some cases, as I've become painfully aware recently. If anything, it's made me hyper-sensitive and self-conscious.

Hi JR,<p>I read your other post, thanks for the link. Did you send that letter? I agree its a little intense. I think the hardest thing is to back off a little and let things play out. The more you try and cling to her, the more she will back off. Instead keep reading and keep working on you and work on being the best you , the one she originally fell in love with.<p>Sounds like you have some time with the plan B letter, its good to work on it tho, I think it helps with letting go. Not to say this will happen to you, but I wrote mine and it was a part of the process of letting go and maybe my H sensed it because he asked to move home before I even sent it. Weird. <p>I guess the hardest thing to accept is that you proabaly will have a chance to work on your marraige. If you can hold on to your love and resolve long enough for things to fall apart with them. All you can do is not LB and to be the best choice once the excitement wears off and reality sets in. But she wont listen to your arguments right now. Take care of yourself, try and live and be as happy as you can, dont analize every little thing. Huh, like thats easy. <p>Good luck.

I also agree that you should remove #3.<p>I also think you should spell out your contact. As an example I wouldn't say that I won't return your phone calls, I would say that you may call me only in an emergency. If there is any reason we should be in contact, please e-mail me.<p>Sounds like you have time before you implement it, so hang on to it and see how it sounds to you later!