My counselor has told me that she thinks my S is a narcissist and would be incapable of loving me or anyone else. I suspect that S has been having an affair with a coworker for several years, but S refuses to tell me anything about it. What I've uncovered has been through my own detective work, and I think I have a fairly clear picture.<p>S continually moans and whimpers while sleeping. Seems like dreams about sex. Since I never seem to get those reactions in real life, I can only assume they're about sex with someone else. I know dreams don't prove anything, but it's practically every night, and it's like what has occurred during the day is being processed in S's subconscious or something. I'm sick of being woken up to it practically every night.<p>I've been told that the concepts of Plan A and Plan B will probably not work in my situation. I feel like our entire relationship has been a lie. While I thought things that were being done were due to S's love for me I have come to realize these things were mere obsessions/ compulsions...things to increase my opinion of S. Nothing is done for me or my benefit unless it will serve S's purpose in some way. This explains why nothing I ask to be done gets done; only what S wants to do for me gets done.<p>I've been told that with this situation, S will never get enough; nothing I do will ever be enough and/or good enough. It is just a bottomless pit that can't be filled. This would explain the fact that I believe this was not the first A, and sadly, I doubt it would be the last.<p>It's so hard to separate the feelings of love I had for my S for the past 20 years from the fact that the person I loved and thought I married doesn't exist. Any feelings my S had for me are apparently very shallow and only relevant to the extent that S's needs are fulfilled. <p>I sincerely doubt that S will get the individual therapy needed because S does not think S has a problem. Any problem with our relationship is mine in S's opinion. So, where do I go from here? Would appreciate hearing from all of you.

Sad - narcissist or not, what you describe is quite typical of the affairee psyche. I'm not a shrink, but it seems ALL wayward spouses involved in romantic affairs display narcisstic behavior during the height of their emotional involvement.<p>Did your counselor examine your spouse? Who gave you the advice that Plan A/B won't work in your situation? On what basis?<p>I guess what I'm trying to say is to not automatically jump on the narcissist bandwagon. Could be correct in the end, but consider getting another counselor's opinion.

I found this info on a site <p>http://www.shesgotittogether.com/shes_d&n72.shtml<p>discussing narcissistic behavior and how to deal with it

• Don't expect to change them. Individuals with this disorder rarely think they have a problem until they're on the verge of losing everything. Even then, their primary focus may be to reassemble their veneer rather than to get to the root of their problem.
• Play your game, not theirs. The minute you start competing, you have lost. When you're around a narcissistic person, focus on being the person you want to be and liking who you are.
• Be realistic. While narcissistic people can have moments of generosity and charm, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them. If you want support, go elsewhere.
• Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we mistake a narcissistic person's certainty for strength. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being around someone who seems so confident may give you a temporary boost. In the long run, you are better off attending to the causes of your low self-image rather than catching "reflected" light - even if it means a period of loneliness.

Helpful resources on this topic Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco and author of the national bestseller If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World, published in 1998 by HarperCollins.