My H and I have been together for 9 years, married for 1. We have always been very close and in love. I would do anything for him and love him with all my heart. He is a very quiet, yet sweet person. During our dating years, I felt very emotionally neglected by him. He always took care of me and showed concern, but did not consistently meet my EN for affection. I shared this fear with him many, many times with him and even tried to teach him how to show me love, appreciation and attraction. He would try initially, but was never consistent. He told me that I should JUST know how he feels about me and that he would be more affectionate after we were married and living together. Eventually, I resolved myself of this and thought I was just asking too much or that I did not deserve his affection. I just accepted the fact that this was how it would be.<p>Six months before our wedding, I became involved in a EA with a co-worker. He treated me like a princess and fulfilled the EN my husband had not (feeling, loved, appreciated and attracted to). I knew this was wrong and wanted to end it...I felt guilty every day and every moment, but I felt great and could not get myself to end things. Once my H and I got married, I noticed small, but meaningful changes in my H. As a result, I found myself closer to my H and drifting away from the OM. I wanted to get out of the A and began to sabotage the A (we fought about everything). The A eventually died a slow and painful death and ended in August (a year and a half after it began). I wanted the A to end because I realized that it was wrong and that our 1-year wedding anniversary was coming up and I wanted to start off new and honor my wedding vows forever. <p>My D-day was 9/18. My H is so hurt and full of rage and hatred for me. I feel so ashamed and hate myself for hurting him so deeply. I am haunted every day by the cold look in his eyes. I am so sorry for what I did and wish I could take everything back. We started counseling -- I am going because I want to work on our marriage and he is going because he is trying to decide whether he should stay or go. He is not willing to talk about what happened and blames me for everything. He does not want to know what led to this and told me that my thoughts/feelings don't matter at this point. I take full responsibility for my actions, but he will not admit to his role. He is keeping everything bottled inside. Please help...how can I get him to talk and then consider committing to working on our marriage? Is it too early or too fresh of a wound?

Your situation reminds me of mine. My H and I married on 6/6/2000. On 3/22/2001 I found out that he had been having affairs with women he met on the internet for the entire time we were engaged and married. <p>I can understand your h's anger. I felt like that too. I felt like I'd been lied to and dupped into marrying him. Today our relationship is on track because of his actions. <p>Don't have time right now to post more as I'm on my way to the dentist but I will check back in a couple of hours.<p>I do have one question for you. It is one I have asked my H. Why on earth did you marry someone when you were carrying on an affair at the same time? What was going through your head? I think you need to be able to answer this question before he can let you in emotionally.<p>Z

Heart Broken,<p>You are not going to like to hear this but I think you must. Your decision to have the affair was not your H's fault.
You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I take full responsibility for my
actions, but he will not admit to his role. <hr></blockquote> <p>My question is: What role???? You were engaged, if you didn't like how he met your needs or you felt he wasn't going to be suitable husband, you should have ended the engagement. He didn't change, except once married he treated you better by your own account.<p>Your H had no role in this situation whats so ever and if you continue to think that way there is little hope for your very short marriage. <p>I am not trying to lay more guilt on you. But, I am telling you what your H is probably thinking. If you think he has any responsibility at this juncture you are still trying to wiggle out.<p>Frankly, your H is probably not thinking about saving the marriage because in reality, there never was one. You were taking vows and still seeing the OM. This is tough stuff to accept Heart Broken, and it is iffy that it will work out, since you have so little history as a married couple.<p>However, I would strongly recommend that you read up here. Go get Surviving an Affair by Harley and read it. It may give you some insights that will be helpful in your desire to save the marriage.<p>I can imagine your H is trying to figure out why you want to save it, since you had the OM the whole time. He is wondering if he is just being used, and he certainly was for awhile.<p>By the way, how did D-day come about? I hope you told him and he didn't find out some other way.<p>Heart Broken, this is going to be tough to overcome, but it can be done. It is my opinion that you will need to use radical honesty with your H and with yourself. Yourself being the first one.<p>I wish you the best, and I am sure Zorweb and others will come along with better advice than I have given so far. <p>If the marriage is really something you want, then you have our support.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Zorweb,<p>You are absolutely right. The reason I continued on with the wedding was because I truly loved my H despite my actions. The feelings I had for the OM were completely an illusion and I knew the A would not last (I would not let it...I was trying to end it slowly and cleanly -- I feared the OM would get revenge if I tried to leave before he wanted me to). After the wedding, I did not care anymore, I wanted out of the A.<p>
Just learning,<p>Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, your message wa s hard to take, but I appreciate the honesty. I made the worst mistake of my life and have a long and tough road ahead of me, but my H and marriage are absolutely worth it. I am not tryng to blame him for my actions -- sorry I came across like that -- thanks for the lesson.

Heart Broken,<p>You asked: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Please help...how can I get him to talk and then consider committing to working on our marriage? <hr></blockquote><p>I believe he will start to talk as the pain of this subsides abit and it will with time. I would like to suggest to you that you NOT use the term "working on our marriage" with him.<p>My bet this is an enormous LB right now. He probably feels he never had a chance in the marriage and the day you walked down the isle the OM was right there waiting for you. Do you see what I am talking about?<p>This is going to require a lot of patience on your part, because while you two have been together for 9 years, the last year and 1/2 has been a lie and the worst part is the whole marriage has been.<p>I am sure your counselor will offer you advice on this and hopefully it will be helpful advice. The hard part of this for you will be when you realize that all you can do is reassure him you want and love him. The rest is out of your hands now. He is going to have to endure the pain, the anger, and eventually heal himself. When he goes through this he will decide if he wants to remain married to you. <p>This is where meeting needs, being honest with him, and allowing him time to address his issues internally are required. You can only do your best. The rest is his to handle.<p>That is why I asked you if you told him of the affair or if he found out another way. If you told him, then you can build on the fact that you were honest with him, and indeed the affair has ended. Because it is ended when he is ready to talk you have the advantage of telling it was your guilt and love for him that helped. It won't make much sense but it seems to me a place to start.<p>If he found out, then you have a much smaller ledge to stand on.<p>HB, I wish I could offer you better advice. But the ball is really in his court. You can only reassure him at this point.<p>Hopefully, there were some good things about this year while you had the affair that he can draw on to give him hope.<p>Keep posting and keep reading, the more you know and understand the better you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.<p>When Zorweb comes back, I am sure she will be able to help you as can her H who also posts here.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL,<p>What you are saying is totally true...<p>I am anxious to work on this with him, but I need to remember that there is not much at this point that I can offer to make him feel better or to open up. I know he needs more time -- I would if I were him, but the silence is killing me not to mention the damage I caused to him and our marriage. Even though our marriage is short, we have 7 1/2 years (affair-free is what I mean) of wonderful history and many great times and memories from our 1 year of being married. <p>As for your question, he found out on his own. I know that no one will believe me when I say this -- but I was planning to tell him. The A had been over for only 1 month when my H found out. During this time, I was trying to come to terms with what I allowed to happen. I was trying to understand it all. I wish he could have found out from me.<p>I appreciate your advice...it's really helping me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.<p>BTW, I'm gonna pick up the book you suggested (I've already read HNHN by Harley and another book 'After the affair' -- excellent, I definitely recommend.

HB,<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> many great times and memories from our 1 year of being married. <hr></blockquote><p>Here is what I view as a trap. You think they were great memories and times. He will not see them that way, because of the affair. It will be as if the year was just a fantasy. This is the part I am warning you about.<p>Also, since he found out, it would suggest that he sensed something wrong in the marriage before then. You probably weren't covering up as well as you think, and he knew something was wrong. This also suggests that you were not meeting his needs as well as you might think.<p>Now, as you think about this, it may offer some ideas for you as to how to meet his needs now once he will let you. Further, if he has stated how he found out, and what led him to be suspicious you also have some clues to how to treat him.<p>I do believe you about telling him, most people who have had affairs do come to the realization that they must because of the guilt. <p>As I keep saying Zorweb will be much better at this, but try to talk with him about normal things, not the A, or how he feels. Take baby steps here. You will feel at some point that he should just get over it, but remember he has a little over a month to deal with this and you had over a year and a half. Plus you wanted to deal with it, this is not something he wanted at all.<p>One thing you should remember is that you "wanted" to have that affair or it would not have happened. Nothing going on now is what he "wanted" and as you already know this leads to deep resentment.<p>So hang in there, I'm sure Zorweb will have some good things to offer. I must get to work.<p>Good Afternoon and God Bless,<p>JL

heart broken,<p>it's great that you've stopped the A and cut contact with the OM. That's a great first step. If your H knows about it - then he'll be hurting but there are reasons for both of you to be positive.<p>You know, your relationship can be stronger after this incidence. And it can be a far more fulfilling lifetime experience for the both of you. Having an A doesn't have to mean it's the end of the world, even though that's how it might feel right now.<p>It won't help to chastise, either yourself or him. I'd suggest skipping any judgements of who's right or wrong. This can do so much damage to the relationship that it can put it beyond repair. And it doesn't help the BS get through the pain - it doesn't help one little bit. One of the best healers is to spend time together and avoid those nasty comments and discussions. The EA happened, it's not ok that it did but how do you move on.<p>Focus on what you want and see if both of you are willing to make the changes you need to be making. In my opinion, it still takes two to make and it still takes two to break (of course, it only takes one to choose to have an A).<p>You H has as much work to do as you to make the relationship great for the both of you. If he's anything like me, the shock of my Ws A pulled me out of my laziness - I woke up and started paying attention to what she needed. My A shocked the hell out of her, because she realised I'm not such a bad catch after all [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Life happens - just have to get aboard, that's all [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>good luck,<p>- Freddy<p>
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Freddy,<p>Thank you...I know I have been selfish by committing the A. I feel so embarassed of my self and my actions. My H did not deserve any of this. I should have been stronger and resisted the temptation. I have learned a terrible lesson and feel ashamed that I took him for granted. I am hoping that if and when my H decides to reconcile, it will lead to an even better marriage. It is something to hope for and to work towards. I need to be patient and give him all the time he needs.<p>We have tried to do some fun things (and seem to enjoy the time together), but my H says he can not stop thinking about my A and how I betrayed him. Our fun/personal times together are a bit awkward and forced since neither of us can stop thinking of the A. I suspect these strange feelings will fade over time. At this point, I am trying to reinforce my love and need for him everyday. I hope he will give me a second chance -- no matter how long it takes.<p>Thank you for your advice...it is very encouraging and deeply appreciated.

HB,<p>JL has give you some very wise council here. One of the most important things that a WS must realize is that they choose to have the affair. It was not a mistake, it was a choice. So why did you make that choice and why did you marry your H? While it is true that both you and your H shared in the responsibility for the state of your relationship at the time you started your affair. He is not at all responsible for your having the affair. I think that is the point he is trying to make to you. And the fact that you married him despite the affair and despite your not being happy with your relationship is a horrible thing. I am sorry if I am being hard on you. But this brings up for me the feelings I had. I still have them to some extent but we have worked through so much and I believe I understand what was going on with him during that time. <p>I actually think there is hope for your marriage because I know that STL and I have put ours together and it is so much better then I ever expected it to be. We are closer and more in love then before d-day. So there is hope. But your H has to see that too.<p>My feeling is that you want you were operating in a very selfish mode. Did your OM know that you got married? If so what did he think about it?<p>Please do not think I am saying this to be mean to you. I am saying because you were at stage in your life in which you were not married. You could have moved on, or broken off your engagement.<p>I also recommend the book Surviving an Affair. It is the thing that saved my marriage. When I found out about STL’s affair, I had all of the feelings that JL is talking about and then some. I felt used and tricked. I was actually afraid of my husband for a while because I felt that I did not know him. Was afraid of his motivation for marrying me.<p>The one thing that I have to offer you here is to tell you that his behavior after the affair is what saved our marriage. For the first 2 weeks after d-day I thought our marriage was over. If I had not have been so devastated, I would have moved him out myself.<p>What he did was to take total responsibility for his affairs. He told me that he caused the harm so it was his responsibility to help me heal. He listened to me talk about it, answered all of my questions, and he listened express my anger. I did this daily for 3.5 months, not because I was trying to abuse him but because it was what I needed to heal and get beyond the hurt. Most of the time I spoke in a normal tone of voice and tried very hard to not to disrespectful or love bust him. But I lost it a few times. Much of what he said made me cry, a screamed at him a few times, threw a small cardboard jewelry box at him one time, smashed my computer mouse throwing it against the wall, even beat on him once or twice (not abusive type of beating, ok?). It was the most painful experience in my life. Through all of this he was steadfast in helping me through it. He often held me while I cried. We discussed things at nausium, cried together and so on. It was a very strange time in that he was both the source of my pain and the source of my comfort. <p>We read the book Surviving an Affair and the other Harley books and implemented the concepts. But it was my H who lead us through recovery… because I was not sure that was what I wanted. I felt our entire relationship was lie. He showed me that it was not. <p>You may want to search the forums for our posts. My H’s name here is SeenTheLight. Read the older ones. They are the ones that will help you the most.<p>This is entirely on your shoulders right now. I do not know how to convince your. H that your marriage is worth saving.<p>Tell us more about what he has asked you about or what you two have talked about.<p>Z

heart broken,<p>Just another thought to follow up on what I said as well as freddy and zorweb. You stated in your first post <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>During our dating years, I felt very emotionally neglected by him. He always took care of me and showed concern, but did not consistently meet my EN for affection. I shared this fear with him many, many times with him and even tried to teach him how to show me love, appreciation and attraction. He would try initially, but was never consistent. He told me that I should JUST know how he feels about me and that he would be more affectionate after we were married and living together. <hr></blockquote><p>Now imagine your H. He has done his best, but he has failed and you choose another man because he was fun, he made you feel good and attractive. You commited one of the worst things of standing before him, your families, you God, and getting married knowing all along your H was not the man you wanted.<p>You will say but I did want him, I "loved" him.<p>Here are the issues you must answer in my mind. The first is the use of the word "love".<p>You loved him all along you say, but you had an affair. Now you say you love him and it is supposed to reassure him. It won't because the word has lost its meaning if you continue to describe how you felt about H during the affair as love. You see most people wouldn't do this to a friend, much less someone they "love". But you did.<p>Somehow you are going to have to more adequately describe how you felt about your H during the affair. After all even your comment that after the wedding you started to notice things about H doesn't really help because it took a year to end the affair.<p>So the issue is what do YOU mean by "love". Now if you read here you find that there is a gradiation to the word love there is " I love you" and there is " I don't have in-love feelings for you." There have been long discussion about this and the fact that it seems that many WS say it. <p>But what I am driving at think about how you really felt about H. I mean honestly. In some ways he would probably feel better if you told him you didn't love him but only married him because you were too embarressed to back out. If that were true, then telling him you have come to love him might make sense.<p>The second issue is serious. If you felt neglected then, and you had an A because of it, what has changed? Why do you want to be married to him now? I think he will ask you this if he hasn't already. Why should he come back to a woman that found him wanting and insufficient for her? Won't this happen again?<p>You answer well might be not if YOU change. But, if he is a very quiet man and not given to demonstrations of what you need, you are asking more than he can deliver, even if he tries. So what has changed HB? Why do you want to be with a man that made you feel like you posted in the quote above? You need an answer to that question, for yourself and for him.<p>I am reminded of the old addage: Men marry women expecting them never to change and women marry expecting to change them. Neither expectation is really good or accurate.<p>You need to come to grips with this issues of what "love" means to you and how your view your H's failings.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: I surely hope you are paying attention to what Zorweb says. But, remember your H is probably not going to open up and let you see the inside like she did with STL.

HB<p>You have some great advise here. In time when your H anger settles you will be able to talk to him. Don't push him and don't smother him. I feel this will make him run. Be his friend and be there to listen and talk when he needs answers.<p>It can be done.<p>Stay strong and don't give up<p>SLH

HB,<p>Are you still around? <p>Z

Sorry...I'm back.<p>Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Your advice and comments are very true and sobbering. Prior to the A, I would have never contemplated ever having an A. I did not set out to do this to my H, but I did nonetheless.<p>I would love to share with my H the thoughts I had prior to the wedding and my reasoning for marrying him. There is so much to be said, but at this point, my H is in so much pain, he just does not want to talk about it. I need to respect that and give him the time and space he needs to make the best decision for himself. I am thinking about potentially writing my thoughts to him -- so that he can read it when he wants to and he will not be forced and feel uncomfortable to talk with me face to face. Just a thought...I would appreciate any thoughts/suggestions.<p>Looking back, when the A happened, I can honestly say I loved my H -- I also think that I was being arrogant and expecting too much from him. I married him because the affection thing was not a show-stopper. I believed in my heart that he had the potential to show me the affection, but either needed time/help/or me to lower my expections. I wanted to be with him regardless of this. I did not really love the OM. It was just an illusion -- it was just temporary. The OM was just able to satisfy that need in the short term. I wanted out of the A, but I was also scared about how to do it and when. The OM told me many times that he would not allow me to go even if I tried and that he would come after me. After the A began and we got married, I believe my eyes began to open slowly and I realized that what I was doing was terribly wrong and that I was hurting myself, but mostly importantly the person I loved the most. My actions were obviously disrespectful and the worst LB of all to my H. I am very humbled and want to help him through the hurt and pain. How can I indicate that to him without putting him on the spot or forcing an uncomfortable exchange for him. I am anxious to reach out to him before the chance is gone forever (if a small chance still exists).

I believe that your idea of writing down things for your H might be very good. Sounds like he may handle it better that way. Expecially the part about your frame of mind during the affair.<p>I would separate what you have to say/write into two letters. One about your frame of mind and info about the affair.<p>The other, which might actually be done both in writing and in person. Are the things you said about wanting to help him heal, wanting to support him, etc.<p>Z

Zorweb,<p>Thanks for the suggestion. I think I will try the letters with him. I realize that we are starting back at square one -- everything needs to be built from the beginning. Right now, I think I am to reach out to him and let him know that I want to help him. What did your H do that made you take the first baby step in talking to him?<p>I am at a loss...I am trying everything I can think of. I am not sure if he is wanting for me to make the first move or if wants me to leave him alone. I don't want to push him away.

HB,<p>RE: What did your H do that made you take the first baby step in talking to him?<p>This question really made me think. Here’s the short version. Later, after work, we can “talk more”.<p>There are some basic differences between my situation and yours. The first is that my H did not volunteer any information about his affairs. I found out on my own and then spent the next two weeks tracking down every woman he had been involved with. It was the women who told me about their affairs. For those first two weeks he denied anything until I had proof. It took a lot of effort on my part to get him to realize that it was better to tell me then not to tell me.<p>In those first two weeks I thought our marriage was over and I was hurt and angry. I am naturally a talker. So it was me who started us talking. His plan had been to stop all of the affairs and never tell me. I stumbled upon them at the time he was trying to end them. I did not cut him any slack on the info I found out.<p>It was the interaction between us in those first two weeks that made me start to trust him. I was not only angry and hurt but I was actually in a very bad place mentally… could not eat or sleep, for the first time in my life I was having thoughts of hurting myself. I could not go to work for a few days. I literally needed someone to save me. I could not tell my friends and family. We were not married even an year and they were so happy for me. We had redone our marriage vows in a formal wedding in front of family and friends the Sunday before I found out about the affairs. His mother was still with us as she had come to visit for the wedding. There was no way I could tell any one, I was so hurt and humiliated. <p>So it was my SeenTheLight who was here for me. He made sure I was ok. He travels a lot. So when he was out of town he’d stay on the phone or in chat with me. When he was home he took care of me. He did a lot of holding and reassuring me while I lost it. <p>It was very weird because he become both the source of my pain and the source of my comfort. I was so mad at him, was afraid of him, felt I did not know him…. But I needed him for survival. I know this sounds very dramatic but that’s how it was. The things that I remember are that he kept telling me that he caused the hurt so it was his job to help me heal. And he kept telling me that we would take it one day at a time. It became almost a mantra… “one day at a time”. I slowly learned to trust him enough to let him take the lead on our recovery. This experience has built a bond between us that is incredible.<p>It as through this that I found out that was indeed the man I thought he was. He had, for many reasons, fallen from grace with himself. But faced with it, it did take total responsibility.<p>Ha! That’s the short version…. Can you image the long one?<p>Anyway, it seems that your situation is different in that your H is seeking your support or wanting to talk. So you will have to give him his space. Men typically go off to their “cave” to handle problems. The want to do it on their own. So above all else respect that. <p>Perhaps there are some things you can take from my story. Like taking total responsibility for the affair. But do remember that both of you share responsibility for the state of your relationship at the time the affair started. Let him know this. Let him know that you will give him the room and are willing to be supportive of him.<p>I think you need to Plan A him too. Do a search on this web sit or “Plan A” and read the book Surviving an Affair. Although he is the BS, you are trying to convince him to stay and work on the marriage. Plus, if you plan A him, you will be amazed at how much you will grow as a person. Remember that while he is trying to decide what to do and healing his wounds, you have a job to do… become the best YOU. This is so that you can guide the both of you into and through recovery. All of us are here on MB to help you through that.<p>Told you I’m a talker…..<p>I’ll check back on you once or twice from work. Hope this helps.<p>Z

HB,<p>I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I do think that along with all of the advice that Zorweb has given you, you need to address the issue of why you had the affair. It is crucial that you be able to tell your H why, and if the reason is his lack of affection as you need it, then how is the marriage to be saved.<p>How can you want to be married to him if you need something he cannot give or can only give in a certain way? This is a hugh thing. <p>I know the MB answer is that he must meet your needs. But, I often wonder if these needs get blown out of proportion because other things are missing within the person themselves. For example if I were unhappy with myself, then my need for reassurance would go up, perhaps my need for affection as well, my need to have my self esteem stroked in whatever way. Yes, my spouse can do it, and it would temporarily help. However, the real issue isn't my spouses failure to provide attention, affection, etc. The real problem is with me: I AM UNHAPPY, SCARED, WHATEVER.<p>Now I might find another woman that stokes my self-esteem and I could claim that my W did not, which may be true. My W might read MB material and begin to meet my NEED, but the underlying problem still exists.<p>Hence I ask you again. Go deep here, and understand why your need exists. Is there something else about your engagement, marriage, that bothered you. Were you needing these things because of other fears, other issues? If so, you need to uncover them for yourself and yes your H.<p>If it really is you have a high need for affection, etc. and your H is by nature someone who has a deep problem being this way, you are doing him a great disservice by trying to get the marriage back. Indeed, you did him one during the engagement. <p>As you can tell, I am sort of focused on this. I also think it is a key to you recovering with your H that he understands the real reason you did what you did. If he feels he will never be adequate for you, he would be a fool to stay in the marriage.<p>Frankly, HB as much I would like to see all of this work out, if I were in your H's shoes and didn't know any more than he apparently does, I would leave. There are no children. I clearly failed as a husband to my W and there is little hope of rebuilding a marriage that never existed. I have no clues what happened and apparently neither does she.<p>Please think about this.<p>One, last thing or two. Are the two of you still living together? Have you two been able to talk at all before he withdrew? If so what did he say to you? These are all crucial facts toward us giving you advice.<p>I look forward to hearing from you and<p>God Bless,<p>JL

HB,<p>JL's point is a very critical one. It is really the crux of the entire recovery. You will need to find the root cause and make the changes necessary to protect your marriage from them.<p>And I loved JL's discussion about how some people will missuse the EN concepts to excuse affairs. There is a group of people (my ex-h being one of them) who will have affairs no matter how well their spouse meets their ENs. The affairs are about puffing their ego and fill a void that no one human can fill. That is what sexual addiction is about. But that aside...<p>There is something very different about an affair that occurs during the engagement and in the beginning of the marriage. It speaks of a very flawed foundation to the relationship. As JL has said, you really have not had a marriage. One of the enormities that hit me when I found out about STL's affairs is that we did not really have a valid relationship up to d-day. The entire thing was based on untruths. We had to start again from scratch finding out who we are, what we want,etc. One of the key elements of our recovery is that we did find out why the affairs occured. And we have done things in our relationship to protect us from them re-occuring.<p>Your H is going to need to know how you can make sure that this will never happen again. What changes are you going to make to YOU so that you do not stray again?<p>And watch him very closely. He is very vulnerable to having an affair right now. A very high percentage of BS's end up in revenge affairs. That's one of the reasons I suggested that you Plan A him like crazy right now.<p>Again, read the book Surviving an Affair as that will start you down the road of what to do and to determine the reasons for the affair.<p>Z

JL and Zorweb,<p>I have been looking deep within myself over the past few weeks particularly since my H found out. I am willing to explore this with him in great detail. I am realizing that he has shown me great love and affection just not in the ways I was looking for -- hence, I need to change my perspective and appreciate him more than ever. <p>At this point, maybe it was more than the EN that drove me to the A...I don't know, but I am willing to explore that and really come to the heart of the matter. I don't want to punish or hurt him anymore. As much as I would love to be with him forever, if he is so miserable with me, I would rather see him happy without me. But, until then I need to do everything in my power to be a friend and be honest. As you pointed out earlier, I need to become the BEST me and to lead him into recovery with me. <p>We are still living together (and sharing the same bed)...I asked him if he wanted me out when he found out, and he said I should stay. For the first 2 days, he grilled me about what happened and what I did to stop it. He wanted details about our get-togethers, what we did and said to each other. I was honest with him and cooperated. We talk very briefly about it maybe once a week, but he always shuts down and seems to experience despire and says that there is nothing I can say or do. He is so hurt...there is so much we need to discuss, but he wants to avoid any and all conversation about the A. That's why I thought of the letter idea.<p>Knowing him for 9 years, I can say that he usually reacts like this initially and "sees no light at the end of the tunnel" and gets despressed. Later, after he has calmed down, is willing to talk after much probing from me. Maybe that's what he is going through right now, but on a much larger scale!<p>I searched the site for Plan A and what I found explains it as the WS giving up the OP and having no contact with them. I have no contact with the OM and have no desire to. Please help me understand what you mean by "Plan A him like crazy." I want to try this if it can help. Please help.