HB,<p>I think you missed my point. You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> As much as I would love to be with him forever, if he is so miserable with me, I would rather see him happy without me.<hr></blockquote><p>I was not talking about him being miserable with you. The issue is whether you can be happy with him. No matter what you say it is obvious to us and certainly to your H, that you were not happy with him while you were engaged nor while you were married. All disclaimers to the contrary, one doesn't have an affair if they are happy and satisfied with their spouse.<p>Your H is miserable now and may continue to be, but it is because of your betrayal, not YOU. The issue I am trying to get you to see is that you have stated and your actions backed it up, that you were not happy with your H. He cannot come back to the marriage if he feels that you are not going to be happy with him.<p>That is why you need to explore the root causes of your feelings for your H before and during the A and why the OM was soooo attractive to you.<p>As for Plan A, it is for the BS to apply to the WS. However,the basic philosophy is that while in Plan A the spouse using it is to do several things. <p>1. Focus on themselves and see what they can change about themselves that will make the other spouse more comfortable in a relationship.<p>2. Avoid LB's to the spouse.<p>I think what the people suggesting Plan A to you mean, is to definitely avoid LB's. Focus on making changes in yourself that you feel are needed for a better marriage (this one is difficult given that your marriage has always had the A in it.) But, the idea is to try and see if you can make your H more comfortable around you.<p>HB, if you are sharing the bed with your H, start slowly but do your best to be in contact with him. Physical contact, a light touch, whatever, but contact. Talk with your H about anything, the proper way to up toilet paper on the roll whatever, but begin to have communications with him.<p>HB, listen to your H. I mean listen. Ask him a question, and then listen for the answer. Give him plenty of time, and don't interrupt. If he doesn't answer, don't say anything just wait. It will seem like forever, but eventually you will get an answer. Take the answer as data to be examined, but don't argue with him, and don't feel bad. <p>Many things he will say will be out of pain and confusion. You must remember his marriage just vanished right before his eyes slightly over a month ago. He is in pain and he is bewildered by what has happened.<p>That is why you need to find answers within yourself, so that you can give him a better perspective on why you had the affair, what has changed within you, and why YOU think the marriage can and should survive.<p>If you cannot argue for it, who can. "I love you" is not very persuasive right now, as you claim to have been "in love" with him all during the affair.<p>HB, this can work, but you need to understand yourself very very well. This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself and do the <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> if he is so miserable with me, I would rather see him happy without me.<hr></blockquote><p>stuff. If you want to quit, I suspect right now he would be willing to accomodate you. But, YOU came here to save your marriage, I am telling you that YOU have to quit feeling sorry for yourself and get with the program. <p>That program is focusing on the things that really need to be done. Being there for your H, giving him hope that the marriage is worth saving, and understanding why you did what you did. Facing that, explaining that, learning from that, and then applying what you learn. If you can do this, you have a chance of convincing your H it is worth a try.<p>You have your marching orders HB [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Now get on with it and ...<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Up for HB.

JL,<p>Thanks for your reply. Your advice really helps me keep my emotions/frame of mind in order. You're right, I shouldn't be acting all sorry for myself. I need to tackle this while there's a chance. I need to fight for my M, my H and our life together! Thank you so much for the encouragement!<p>I wrote a letter on Friday that I wanted to give my H on Saturday, but I held off on giving it to him. The main theme was that I am taking responsibility for the A and that I want to step back and give him the space and time he needs to begin to understand/heal. I also wanted to tell him that I wanted to help him heal and be honest with both of us. But, I just felt that the letter was missing something. I felt that I had not really expressed my thoughts clearly. I am trying to accomplish several things with this letter because I am treating this as my one and only chance to get his ear. Should I re-write the letter or tell him in person? How would you want to hear it? <p>BTW, I thought My H and I had a nice weekend together. This was the closest to normal so far. He smiled a number of times (which gives me hope). He is planning like we have a future together (car purchasing, home additions, future vacation spots)...I don't know what to think. He started last week off angry and yelling at me and then Thursday and on, he was so sweet and normal. I have been calling him each day at work to let him know that I am thinking of him and wanted to say HI. I tell him what my schedule is and always offer a phone number. I am trying to focus on being a friend and sharing fun times. But, I am not sure what is going on. One minute, he is so pissed and the next minute he is hugging me tight. Why the sudden change in attitude towards me? What can/should I do? Is he trying to tell me something?

HB,<p>You asked a variety of questions I'll do my best to offer my opinions.<p>1. As for your H being angry and then nice, and...<p>Have you heard of the term the "roller coaster" around here?? He is on it and by definition you will be also. You don't realize this but he probably still loves you deeply. Otherwise, your affair wouldn't have hurt so bad. Yet, he doesn't trust you and the triggers get to him, he is then angry.<p>So you are going to get periods of sadness, anger, trying to make it work (the period you are in right now), and then periods of complete despair. He will cycle through those for months to come.<p>2. You mentioned that you call him and let him know where you are etc.<p>I am guessing but your time with OM came at the expense of his time. It occured at the office and other places that you lied to H about. Am I close??<p>If this is so then you definitely need to account for your time. You must be consistent here.<p>3. The letter.<p>Sometimes a letter is better because the person writing it can say what they really feel and think without feedback or interruption. Sometimes a letter is better for the person receiving it because it gives them time to read and ponder any questions that are being asked.<p>Yet, often it is the interpersonal interaction that occurs during a discussion that is the most healing. <p>I think you should get the letter as close to what you want say as possible. Then give it to him and explain that after he has read it, you would like to talk with him. Let him decide how soon you would like to talk. I will warn you that anything you put in print will remain in his mind, so be very careful.<p>Also realize that you may be writing this letter for your own catharsis, and it may not be very helpful to him. So make sure what is in the letter is what you want to convey to him.<p>It sounds as if he would like to be married to you, but it remains to be seen if he can come to trust you, your feelings, and develop confidence in himself.<p>I do hope you have answered in your mind how you will be able to be married to him, when you know his approach to life makes you feel so unwanted and neglected. This is hugh for you so be very honest with yourself.<p>Hope something I said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL,<p>Yeah, I think you're right....<p>1. Roller coaster -- he is back and forth on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Is there anything I can do minimize the frequency of this for him? Are there any actions/words that will lessen this for him or is this the natural progression which he/we will do through?<p>2. Phone calls -- Most of the time that I spent with the OM was during the day (my schedule is flexible -- I am a salesperson) -- so I feel that maybe if I keep my H updated about my schedule, it will help him to begin trusting me a little, plus I want to lessen the anxiety he has each time I am on the road during the day. I am being honest with him about my actions. I should have been that way all along.....<p>3. The letter -- I am going to follow your advice. I am going to re-write the letter and share it with him. I think that will be best for him. I don't want to force the subject with him. I am trying to step back and give him space and time. As you mentioned a few days ago, I chose to be in this and have had 1 and 1/2 years to get used to what was occurring -- my H neither chose to be in the mess nor has he had enough time to digest everything happening to him and around him. That has stuck in my mind ever since -- so sad, but so true. It is so amazing how we WSs can be so foolish, selfish, and blind to the truth and to the hurtfulness of our actions. <p>You know something -- I really enjoy the feedback. It is showing me how ignorant and malicious my actions have been (and helping me heal at the same time, too). I just wish I could have 'seen' the pain and hurt that I caused before anything ever began. As if I could have had a view or insight before I took that irreversible step. It was in no way worth it.<p>Looking back, I did not appreciate all that he was to me. I took him for granted and become so selfish and greedy. I thought the world revolved around me. HOW STUPID AND COCKY!!! I wonder how he would react if I told him this. Should I?

HB,<p>It seems to me that sincere insights into how you feel, have felt, and want to feel and act would be very useful to your H. The only requirement is that they must be honest.<p>Given your situation the phone calls and checking in are a very good thing for you to be doing.<p>As for the rollercoaster, well there is nothing that can hurry the healing. It will help if you are there for him and you reassure him, but the only thing that will hasten this ride is if he decides to get off. I don't think you want that. <p>So as you have picked up very well, realize that it will take him time and a lot of patience. This is very hard for him, and yes it is hard for you.<p>I think the letter would be good. But, just don't expect miracles once he reads it. Trust is going to take a long time for him to build up. But, I will repeat again, it will take even longer to trust himself.<p>It will be a long time before he trusts that you are really attracted to him, or that he can make you happy. It will also be awhile before you can forgive yourself. Both of these things are roadblocks that must be overcome with time.<p>So talk with him, communicate with him, but mostly work on yourself. I continue to repeat you need to know yourself much better than you have in the past, so that you can with honesty be the person you want to be. He cannot know who you are until you know who you are.<p>Keep up the good work.<p>God Bless,<p>JL