For those of you who are the betrayer, I'd like to ask for you help in understanding this whole concept of the OP being your "true love, soulmate" and feeling so much passion towards them, are extremely attracted to them that you feel so alive and can't imagine being without them. Did you ever feel this way about your spouse? If not, then why did you marry them in the first place? And how do you know for sure (100%) that this OP is the perfect one for you and that both of you are supposed to be together? Did everyone who cheated (or is currently cheating on their spouse) make a mistake in choosing their husband or wife?

Hi, Wayconfused.<p>I made a mistake choosing OM. H is fantastic. I was so foolish to look anywhere else when God rescued my H from cancer but I got lost and very lonely during that long journey. OM was only too pleased to help mislead me, help destroy my H, me, our career, etc.<p>It's been nearly 9 mos since d-day and there are days now I wonder what on earth did I ever see in OM? He in no way compares to H...OM is a street type person, liar, smoker, cheater, a little bit ugly but not totally and overall loser. Of course, I didn't think so at the time. I thought he was my new best friend who adored me and would do whatever I asked and just seemed to be there when I fell apart.<p>But you know what? If I had let H be all those things as he had been before, I would never live with the regret now.<p>Happily in our case H and I had a lot of miracles including several months off together to work on our M. Things are much much better in our M and I know alot more about myself now. It's really hard building a new life--esp for H with work but we know it will come.<p>I am not your average WS, I suppose in that I came to despise OM almost immediately. I have read a lot of WS posts that admit to loving/longing for OP. I'm sure that is a reality.<p>I wish we could learn to be more grateful for what we do have but in some cases, people truly have married the wrong person. But other than abuse or some endangering situation, I like to believe true love can be found between two married people if both are willing to work on it. Or at least to hope that...

Hi there.... I'd like to respond to this. I can understand how some can feel like the OP makes them feel so excited and alive. In my case, my H and I had drifted so far apart... he and I were both filled with resentment and anger. It became a vicious cycle. The more his anger overwhelmed him, the more disgusted I became....and the better the OM looked to me. The OM was there to talk with me.....when H and I had arguments... (I was wrong to turn to him).<p>I knew all along that the OM wasnt right for me...I knew he wasnt the type to have a life with... but I just didnt know if I could even attract someone...and when I did...it became an addiction. (I've read that this happens often). When I was sooo deprived of love.... I began to crave this person... yet, it was an empty feeling.<p>After d-day... which was about 4 1/2 mos ago (wow, has it been that long?!)... it has been an uphill battle working through all our problems. We are in therapy.... and realize that there are alot of issues we never dealt with over the years.<p>My H loves me soooo much...he is willing to go through all this with me...and forgive me... <p>Anyway....in answer to your question... I believe that its the fantasy of finally having someone 'want you' or...'to love' that is the addiction. But, in the light of day...or when reality sets in... I don't think that most affairs will last. They are a fantasy....and fantasies easily evaporate.<p>I hope this helps........

I'm going to answer this from a slightly different perspective. When my H and I were separated, I was conversing (online, largely) with a man whom I thought was "nice." I really just needed someone to talk to at the time. He'd been divorced, and his own first marriage fell apart much due to the same things that I was going through with my H before our separation. His ex-wife had a problem with anger, so did/does my H. His W did not give him romance, neither did/does my H. There were many more creepy similarities, but these are just a couple of examples. So it was a sort of "oh yeah, so you're been there too, eh?" kind of thing. He was nice to talk to, and seemed to understand the feelings that I was going through. <p>I admit, I was tempted. He was an attractive man (physically), had a wonderful career, and we shared almost all of the same interests and passion for life. Was he my "soulmate?" "True love?" Could I have ever thought he was? Well, no. For one, I was still in love with H. For two, well ... I just don't buy into that "soulmate" nonsense anymore. (I don't keep a 'Hello Kitty!' pink plastic covered diary and wear the key around my neck, either lol!) And for three, I could never think of my "soulmate" as a person who tried to sway me away from making amends with my H. When I pointed out that true friends wanted only the best for each other, my male friend suddenly went ballistic and made caustic remarks about my H. A man he'd never met! Imagine that! This was not to say that he wasn't on-target with some of the things he said ... my point was, he had no right to say them ... or to judge my marriage or how I conducted my life. None. <p>I know that this is not cheating in a technical sense, but it felt pretty darned close to it in the sense that I relied on him for approval and companionship. But although H and I were separated and living apart, married is still married. I thank God that I had the sense to tell this guy where to get off. What he is on the outside and what he presents to the rest of the world might be dazzling ... but no way do I permit someone to intrude on my personal matters and tell me what I can and cannot do with respect to my marriage. No how, no way. Whadda jack*ss! (Yeah, I'm talking about myself, too, for getting suckered into it.)<p>I'm very lucky in that I have an objective third sense that allows me to get a "bird's eye" view of my life and what I'm doing ... when I'm headed toward destruction, I know it. Sometimes I can avoid it, sometimes I don't. But I always know what's happening, and I don't lie to myself. This guy had "doom and destruction" written all over his forehead. <p>belld