Hello everyone. I haven't had much time to get on here now that H is home. He has been here since Monday but just moved all his stuff home last night and still has a little more to bring in today. <p>Well he's home this is what I wanted this was the goal. Things are going pretty good. It's just a bit strange this readjustment period. Even D commented that it is wierd that Daddy is here. We all just need some time. This weekend will be our first true test b/c we don't usually see each other that much during the week. H is up and out of the house before we rise and usually doesn't get home until 6:00pm<p>Some things have been bothering me but I can't really put my finger on it does that make any sense? maybe I'm just looking for to much to soon. I just don't know. We have our first counseling session next Wed. so I'm looking forward to that. I know that I still have to plan A and I am trying my best. One night he called me from work and said he had to finish up some paper work and he would be home. Okay I was fine with that an hour and a half later he still wasn't home so I called his cell and he was 2 min. away from home and when he got in he ask me what was wrong so I told him nothing and he replyed I thought we were going to be honest so I told him that he could have had the courtesy to call me b/c I started worrying about things meaning OW he still works with her and he really doesn't have physical contact with her during the day b/c he is out on the road. I don't want to have to worry about that stuff but I told him that it is not going to go away over night it will take time. Also he usually doesn't bring his cell in the house and I want to ask him to give me his access code so that i can access his messages but I am afarid that he will see this as lovebusting. What do you think? I told him that we have to rebuild the trust. I am just a little confused. For all of you Bs's that have made it to recovery is this normal? Am I over reacting? This is all still new to me. Tahnks for you input.
Love,
C

Hi cybil,<p>I didn't make it through recovery, but we gave it six months. Then he got another OW.<p>Your need to know about the cell phone is perfectly natural. Ask him. He is the one who said stuff about being honest. Though, I suppose you know they can delete calls. <p>I snooped, and found some things I wasn't thrilled at, it kept bringing it all back...do you want that? It is horrible. You don't trust, so you snoop, and you find things....mine were from the past, but they brought new revelations.<p>So while I say it is normal, do you really want to do that? Because I truly believe that my snooping and obvious mistrust had a bad effect on my H and I. I was LB'ing all over the place. If I had it to do again, I would NOT.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

C,
Good to hear that at least there is commitment to try M again from H. You should not push it, A has to end naturally, no inteference ... if you C with MB, Steve or Jenni will take care of it as part of Radical Honesty ... let it rest you have done wonderfull work that H see a bit of light, waiting few more days won't hurt.

Hiya Cybil,<p>Thanks for stopping by on my post. I am not real sure if you want my thoughts since I still feel we are in the beginning stages of this but here goes.<p>I did ask H for access to all his stuff. He is very protective of his cell phone. I told him that I do not want to check up on him and when he has helped me restore that trust then I can stop, but until then I need to be able to check up. Then I say, would you want to do that for me? H says yes and though relunctant, he lets me. So when his cell phone rings I hand it to him. He tells me who calls. He has 1 e-mail account that he had changed the password on. H was afraid the OW would e-mail him there so he has afraid it would upset me. After a few days (felt like weeks) he showed it to me. She did not e-mail him there but we were getting 'fun' messages from psyco babble. This caused him to say that she was really a nut and that he was getting annoyed with her. Hm..... she was lbing and I was getting better. <p>Of course, I would still get upset when she called but the communciation about it is getting better. As I noted in my thread, his memory on the events with OW seems to be dimishing. Not sure if he is pushing it out of his mind or he really really is losing his memory of it. <p>I wish you and your H well on recovery. There may be bumpy roads ahead. Radical Honesty is important. The place to place that responsbility is equally important for both of you. I am now feeling what it is like to have to tell H where I am and where I am going. Hmmmph..... I kinda was enjoying my freedom..... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh well, you give up some and take some.....<p>Take Care,
L.

Cybil,
I think the willingness on his part to let you have access to everything; his cell phone, e-mails, voicemails, etc. is essential to getting past the "no trust" issue. I think this is definitely a counseling session issue. If you can hold off talking about it until you have your counseling, I think it will help to have your counselor back up the fact that your H has got to make his life an open book to you right now. I was like you, I needed to SEE for myself whether or not the OW was calling, he was calling her, etc. I don't know how I would be feeling if the OW worked with my H though. That's got to be so much harder. I have told my H that while I absolutely HATE checking up on him, I feel compelled to do it because of the lies and betrayals for so many months. My H just came home for the 2nd time and while I believe that contact has finally ended, I'm just waiting for one of them to give in and call just to see how the other is doing. The fact is, though, there are thousands of phones they can use. The cell phone does not have to be used for contact. So they can be clever and never call each other on the cells. This is all part of the seeming injustice of it all. And so far, with my H, while he says he understands, he really never WILL. I didn't put him in this position. He will NEVER know the fears and insecurities he's instilled with the A. You just keep coming here with your frustrations and try very hard to give it time...lots of time. That's what I'm trying to do. The fact that you are doing the counseling together is a REALLY good thing. If your H continues to participate in that, it's a great start. I wish you much patience and success as you move through the various stages of recovery.<p>MOM [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Cybil,<p>I would definitely ask him for the access code to his cell phone. Tell him that you are trying hard to trust him again and you need him to do everything possible to bring that about. If you have those access codes then you can have some peace of mind rather than worrying yourself sick about something that is not happening. This is a BIG PART of the successful recovery of your marriage. I am sure he does not want you to worry needlessly about something that is supposedly NOT happening. <p>I will tell you this, that checking up on my WS is what has restored my marriage and my trust for him. I no longer have to wonder because I have PROOF POSITIVE that he is not up to anything. Otherwise, I would still be wondering and stewing about it. <p>And since he is doing nothing wrong, like he claims, he should be thrilled to demonstrate that to you.<p>Cybil, one more thing. DON'T let him pull the "you don't trust me????" ploy on you. That is just a deceitful ploy [employed by the guilty] to shut you up by making you feel guilty. Don't fall for it! You have nothing to feel guilty about! Just tell him, 'of course, I don't trust you, how could I after what has happened? But I am TRYING to learn to trust you again and I need your help in achieving that. You WANT me to trust you again, don't you?'

Good update. Good advice given here.
In the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring she talks about certain behaviours you ask of your spouse in order to rebuild trust. This is an excellent book to read.<p>Just keep doing what you're doing. One day at a time. Plan A.

Thanks for all the advice as always it is greatly appreciated [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Things are going great! We had a good day putting all his stuff away he helped around the house we had dinner as a family and watched a movie and cuddled. He was my old H again [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I am taking it one day at a time and with the grace of god and counseling I am hopeful that we can make it through this.
Tomorrow the kids have games their last one for the season unless my oldest D's team wins then we go to the playoffs. H is a big Dallas fan and tomorrow the game will be on TV I told him he could stay home and watch it and then come to oldest D's game. He seemed surprised at my suggestion of this and even ask if I was serious my reply was that's fine with me. I know it will take time but everything feels right again it's not as awkward as I thought it would be. Maybe it's b/c we saw each other every weekend and we had contact nearly every day. He told me today that he is glad to be home. There have been lots of hugs and kisses and I missed that so much. He played and romped around the house with the kids and their laughs were music to my ears. I am very happy tonight.
Good night.
C

Getting passwords from the WS can be so hard to deal with! I know that H and I had a heck of a time with that at first. Wanna know why? Because there was still contact with OW#1. It's no wonder he was being so defensive!!!<p>I eventually found him out (yet again), and from that point on, he gave me his passwords... for everything!<p>The talk of him changing his cell phone number came up a few times too. He found that to be VERY threatening. Although he had agreed to doing that at first, suddenly if "I" wanted it done, then "I" would have to be the one who paid for it (about $25). He was arguing over some of the smallest things.<p>Then I found out there was still contact. I emailed OW#1 told her to please stop contacting H so that he and I could work on our marriage. She wrote back ranting and raving about all sorts of stuff... and she didn't omit the cursing either. Of course I showed that email to H. That was enough that the contact finally stopped. She LB'd too far that time.<p>Within a few weeks of that, H was starting to worry about her (or any of the other women) contacting him. HE wanted to pay to get the number changed. What an about face that was!<p>One of the agreements we came up with at first (when he didn't want to give me the passwords), was that at any time, if I asked to see his email account or look at his phone records, he would show me. Perhaps that might be less intrusive to your H right now?<p>H and I are now 4 months past all of that stuff, crap, bother, etc. We have each others' passwords to everything, and it isn't even an issue anymore. The trust has been rebuilt in that area.<p>Thanks for sharing your update!<p>Karen