My D-Day was Monday 10/28. Since then I've had a lot of questions about my W's A. Should I ask them all? They are not sexual in nature, but they are detailed questions about that they did together. She would drive 4hrs away and spend weekends with him. Is it worth knowing? I've ordered SAA, but it has come yet. Does it tell me what to do? Thanks all

Hi burns1471
I'm not familiar with your story is W still living at home? Has A ended? Where are you now as far as your M is concerned? Sorry that I have so many questions. I am glad that you found MB you will find valuable information and a great support system here. Come here to vent. Good luck to you.
C

cybil, thanks for the reply. The A has ended, it ended about 1.5 months ago. They were communicating with each other my phone and email (he lives 4hrs away) up until last week. I found out that he was threatening her with telling me. Our marriage is troubled, but strangely in tact to one degree or another. I love her, and I believe she loves me. Currently, we are not in marriage counselor, but each of us are seeing our own therapist. We want to work things out, but some personal healing needs to occur first.

burns1471,
No question ask about A until W want to talk about it. First you will get into trouble by pushing it ... you could force her to lie and you might wonder if the truth is on the table ... Second you will decrease Love Bank and possibly even LB if she see you as demanding/controlling person. Learn as much as you can about MB !!!. Do Plan A and get MC that preach MB ... a lot of shrinks create more problem than building your M, give H&W even excuse rather than taking responsibility. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . Your M is in trouble also because W & you taking action separately. Get conseling for MB asap, nothing is more healing than knowing both of you working on M. Go to the source of pain and deal with it, grieveing and accepting along the way to recovery.<p>About OM threathen your W to tell you ... since you know already, ask your W what course you should take to let OM know that A is out of the bag.<p>Most of SAA contents are in here, EN, LBank, LBuster, Infidelity ... you could go to library to borrow one too.

Hi burns,<p>Yes the personal healing is important. And for some, that includes the need to know details. But be careful, you may not like what you hear, you may alienate her, and it may actually slow down your healing because it will tear you up.<p>However, if you feel you absolutely have to know, ask her. Because if you don't, THAT will tear you up, too.<p>I have asked with A 1 or 4, and not asked with 2 or 5 (long story with those numbers). I found for me, it is better not to ask.....you can pretty well guess at what the responses will be anyway. Think "worst case" scenario.<p>Take care!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

The W walked into after my last post. I started asking more questions. I also asked if my asking questions bothered her. She said it did, but she understood my reasoning. I always ask in the most controlled, non-threatening matter I can muster (which I feel is pretty good). So far, I don't feel lied to. She seems honest in her answers. I really don't agree about redhat's comments about separate therapists. My W as been seeing a therapist for a few months and it was at the urging of her therapist that she comes clean. We will get nowhere together until we done some healing on our personal wounds. Some time (soon if it has not already start) our marriage will heal and blossom. Some other questions I've asked my W include "why do you love me?". To my surprise, her answers almost match how I would answer the same question about her. Be strong everyone....<p>
I wanted only to be gentle
But I gave her jealousy and rage
Who knows exactly what I'm after
Night and fog are my days.<p>--Mercury Rev "Nite and Fog"<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: burns1471 ]</p>

Well my philosphy is if you can't handle the detailed answers to your questions to your WS then I wouldn't ask. I personally felt that a lot of details was to emotionally draining for me, It was enough to know he had A, and we all know what goes along with that. Love Sally

I believe that you should ask anything that you want to know, and she should answer honestly, as long as you have created a safe place for her. Meaning that you are not going to cast judgements,have an angry outburst, or any other form of LB. She has to know ahead of time that she is in a safe place.<p>But, as the others have advised you, make sure you can handle the answer before you ask the question. My W answered most of my questions, but there were some that I shouldn't have asked, because the answer was extremely painful. But, I had to know before any healing on my part could take place.<p>Good Luck [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]