Hello to all,
Just a quick update....
H moved out a couple of weeks ago, which you all know....this past week, he was here Wednesday evening for trick or treat with the children...had nice dinner and evening....then he did come by on Thursday to pick up some computer disc and file programs...I had told him until he got our oldest son's computer back up and running, he could not take our main home computer with him to his apartment so needless to say...he wants to get son's computer working a.s.a.p. Well, that was Thursday, he was here 30 minutes or so....I was busy working so he left....We did have a brief conversation later that afternoon...his pay stub came to our home which he wasn't expecting it too....he had told me that when he changed the direct deposit to our credit union account, he also had stopped home delivery of his stub...I could tell he didn't like me having access to his pay check stub...can see how much OT he turned in....his OT has never equaled the amount of time he is gone supposedly at work....you know the story...anyway...that was late Thursday afternoon and I haven't spoke to him since....he has to work today and so I don't expect to here from him today either.....
Actually, I think it is doing some good to not here from him so much...it gives me a break and a chance to clear my head....as a matter of fact, he called last night at 10:15 (his supper break) and I just let the phone ring...thought it might do him good to not be able to get me everytime he calls....make him wonder where we are....what we are doing.....I think unless I have some financial or children business to discuss with him, I will avoid his calls...I am not going to mention our relationship to him at all....
What I am thinking is limit my contact with him but when I do speak to him, stay on topic and be nice......if he comes to the house unannounced...I will be pleasant the best I can be...but I am not going to invite him over anymore for dinner or anything....what do you guys think?<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: faith4us ]</p>

Hi, <p>Sounds like you are in plan B. Is he aware of this treatment? It may be an LB not to let him know. When you do it may anger him. <p>Which plan are you in?<p>L.

Hi Orchid,
Well, good question.....sometimes I feel like I want to Plan A him and then he goes to OW's apartment....been telling me they aren't even talking and first place he goes is to her house....well, then I think....I don't want anything to do with him right now...he has told me to leave him alone...so I think well...I will leave him alone....don't know what to do.....the last conversation we had was that he wanted me to leave him alone....so is that something I should do by Plan Aing or Bing? I do need some help with this one......

just a bump up to get some replys....

Ok, so how much longer do you want to share this WS with the OW? Is your plan A helping your H to come home? Is it being used against you and causing you to lose the love you have for him? <p>Take a look at plan a vs plan b again. Do you want the links? Do you have SAA book and his needs/her needs? Both discuss plan a and B. While each situation is not exactly the same, the general principles can be implemented. <p>L.

Faith,<p>You're in Plan A, right? Well then, IMHO I would say you should spend whatever time you can with your H and meet whatever needs you can of his, but don't compromise your boundaries in doing so. And of course, try and make that time as non-LB as you can.<p>I understand you needing a break to re-group and get your strength and bearings back, but I wouldn't go too long with not meeting any of his needs, Hon. <p>Faith, from your post it's sounds like you're doing a hybrid Plan B. Is this temporary and you plan on getting back on the Plan A wagon?<p>Jo

Hi, Faith!
Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't kept up very close to your story, but here's my take on your situation from what I understand here.<p>You should do your best to Plan A. Even in separation, and even if WS doesn't want much contact. You must do everything you can to demonstrate changes in yourself, and present a positive, non-threatening environment for WS to feel like home is a safe place to be, and BS is a safe and loving person to be with. plan A is mostly about you - learning to make changes to yourself that need to be made - eliminating LB's completely, and learning what your spouse EN's are and try to fill as many as possible. If you have love for your WS still in your bank, and it hasn't been 6 months of Plan A yet, you should continue in Plan A. I have seen some posts here that say you should move to Plan B when separated, so that is a option if you wish.<p>If WS is annoyed at your communication, then it must be limited (LB). But you can make efforts at Plan A anyway. Perhaps once a week, some kind of of effort - inviting to dinner, send a card, take him lunch or breakfast, a basket with things he likes, etc. Otherwise, perhaps a couple of phone calls a week, to just say Hi, and hope you are doing well, and I'm here if you wanna talk. Aiming to be friends, ya know? NOt pressuring at all about the A, the OW, the marriage, or any of your needs.<p>Can you do this a while longer? If you have demonstrated changes to him, and said all you need to say about believing in the marriage, loving him, and not wanting a divorce, then perhaps it is time for Plan B. <p>Read up on Plan A and Plan B basics, as Orchid has suggested. I'll get a couple of links for you as well, if you need them.<p>Here's Notable Posts/Threads that has wonderful stuff in it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html<p>Hope this helps a little - just my 2 cents. I'm here off and on all day. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] hang in there. we're here for ya.

Hi Faith,
First of all I do agree with what the others are saying especially since your H just recently moved out. Plan A Plan A Plan A. You don't want to seem desperate or needy. you also don't want to set yourself up to be treated like adoormat either. Youhave that option to not answer the phone. If it's an emergency or something urgent he'll call back.
When my H left and I found this site I tried to Plan A but LB'd all over the place. I was whinny, needy, I was pretty much doing everything I wasn't suppose to be doing. Then I tried to Plan B and that got his attention so I was back to Plan A. I was back and forth for a few months.
Finally I'm not really sure what happened but I was in Plan A and I really really tried I still occassionally LB'd but I didn't call him unless I had to or he told me to call him and we did have contact nearly every day by phone he would come by a few times during the week we usually spent some time together on the weekends. I really thought my M was over and here it is 7 mos later and he moved back home this week.
Dontgive up on Plan A yet it's to early.I know it's hard but you can do this. We are here to support and help you. Read as much as you can on the site and come here to vent plese try not to vent to your H as that will push him further away.
Right now you have to put yourself and your kids first while in Plan A but when H is around or calls be pleasantlet him see the best you that there is.
Goodluck Faith I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
C

Hi Faith4,<p> Plan A is more about the changes you make for yourself. It is about 'you' and the best 'you' that 'you' can be before moving to Plan B. <p> It's hard stuff. But you want/need to let him see the changes in 'you' before moving to Plan B and no contact. As a very wise MBer pointed out to me, there really cannot be a modified version of Plan B. Unless there are children or legal reasons.<p> SIGH!!! Hardest thing I have found is moving to Plan B. And after the last couple of days, I'm not even sure I will be able to do it at all.<p> Keep us posted.<p> jd<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>