Some background on the OW. She's divorced from her H mainly because she wasn't getting the attention she needed. He worked too much and left her feeling lonely. She took up new hobbies to fill her time and realized that other men pay more attention to her than her own H so she left. She made enough money from her share of her ex-H's stock options so she quit her job as a beautician.
Well, at the time she met my stbx, she was seeing another MM. Her reason for going after MM was because she didn't want commitment. However, my stbx wasn't going to put up with her seeing other men so she left the other MM. Now she says she wants to make more of a commitment to him and wants him all to herself. <p>Background on my marriage. We've been married for 7 years and have 2 wonderful kids. About the 5th year of our marriage, his parents moved in with us (this alone is another saga). For the 6 months they were living in our house, they gave us nothing but pure hell. I was pregnant with our 2nd child and the stress was overwhelming. My stbx never stood up to his parents to let them know how we felt or how they were treating us. I felt so alone and with my hormones flying, I was extremely emotional. It was at that point in our relationship that I thought about leaving and expressed those feelings to my stbx. The day before I gave birth his parents finally left. <p>The year following their departure was rocky - new baby, new job for me that demanded a lot of time, downsized workload for my stbx (in essence, he was getting paid to do nothing - fully paid sabbatical so to speak). I guess I was harboring a great deal of resentment towards him because of the whole situation with his parents plus other things that happened between us in the past that I neglected his needs. He wasn't getting the attention from me that he wanted and started to feel like he was living with a roommate instead of a wife. Since he had a lot of time on his hands, he started back up with his hobbies and met the OW at a club where he plays his favorite sport. She opened up to him, he reciprocated, she dropped the bait and he went for it. Now he's living with her and we're getting divorced. <p>He met her around March 2000, she made the move on him in May 2000, the poop hit the fan with us in June 2000 (him telling me he doesn't feel passionate towards me, is attracted to other women, is not "in love" with me, can't treat me the way a wife should be treated but knows he can treat other women that way, always had doubts about me, felt like he settled for me, didn't love me anymore, will never come back to me unless he's been with other women, yada yada yada). We started counseling in July 2000 where I found out the reason he wanted to go was because he thought I needed help, I needed to change in order to make things better and make him happy. Finally, in September 2000, five days after our 7 year anniversary he asked for a divorce and moved out. I begged for a separation to see if we could work things out. He agreed to that and three days after he left, he started the physical aspect of the affair. I believe he moved in with her around October/November of last year. He pays rent, splits the utilities, food, etc. <p>Fourteen months later, he's still living with her and not much has changed on his end except that he's not 100% convinced he wants a divorce. As he told me numerous times, he's in no hurry to divorce. For me, plenty has changed. I just relocated across the country and finally found the balance between my career and personal life. I'm also working through my own personal issues to understand my role in this mess and I'm adjusting to being a single parent to a couple of wonderful kids. I'm happier now and more content with myself than I have been in a long time. Although I don't want a divorce and would really like to get this marriage on track, I can't do it alone and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on someone who has no interest and treats me with such disregard. Sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and realize their mistake. In my stbx's case, he's losing me, his kids and any self-respect and integrity he had.

WC, I think you miss something from the prior posts ... you have been dating.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wayconfused:
<strong> ...
Although I don't want a divorce and would really like to get this marriage on track, I can't do it alone and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on someone who has no interest and treats me with such disregard. Sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and realize their mistake. In my stbx's case, he's losing me, his kids and any self-respect and integrity he had.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think you have to do self reflection and ask yourself if you really want to save this M. Have you show changes to your H ? have you make it SAVE for H to come back ?. Have you done plan A ?. When H speaks in fogese it is comes from their justification of A and extreme Taker. Are you speaking from your taker ?. The moment H has A, he lost his self respect, integrity. It is up to you if you want to give your last best shot. I agree to recover M you need both of you but to save M almost it has to start from one person. Could you take a cease fire on dwelling on the past, IL, H actions etc ... ?. Plan A' ing H well and see how it goes. If it is yours, H will be back ... otherwise move to plan B then plan C. It seems that you want to do plan C w/o solid plan A.<p>Just my 2¢ ... rumbling between my glass of wine ... my WW slipped to bed right away [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I think she have problem w/ OM tonite [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] this is not her usual night to come home. I am off balance [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by redhat:
Have you show changes to your H ? have you make it SAVE for H to come back ?. Have you done plan A ?. <p>Been there, done that, didn't work. All the changes I've made just wasn't good enough.<p>Are you speaking from your taker ?. The moment H has A, he lost his self respect, integrity. It is up to you if you want to give your last best shot. I agree to recover M you need both of you but to save M almost it has to start from one person. Could you take a cease fire on dwelling on the past, IL, H actions etc ... ?. Plan A' ing H well and see how it goes. If it is yours, H will be back ... otherwise move to plan B then plan C. It seems that you want to do plan C w/o solid plan A.<p>I'm definitely in taker mode now. My giver gave all she could, time to switch. I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and look at my kids and know that I gave it my best shot. Like I said above, I already did Plan A until I puked! Doing Plan B is just a waste of time for me since I don't want to wait around and hope the fog lifts. I'm done.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wayconfused:
<strong>... Like I said above, I already did Plan A until I puked! Doing Plan B is just a waste of time for me since I don't want to wait around and hope the fog lifts. I'm done.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well actually you wasted your time, pain and suffering in plan A by skiping Plan B!. The plan A is your responsibility under WS's control and plan B is WS responsibilty under your control. If WS declined you should do plan C.<p>Searching on your current handle you started around July in this MB. Did you get C on your plan A ?. It is your personal choice to move on and I am glad you become stronger person, happier and re-building yourself. It seems that you are ready to move on. IMVHO you should try get C w/ MB or someone that preach MB asap.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> ... Although I don't want a divorce and would really like to get this marriage on track ...</strong> <hr></blockquote><p>I detect a slight ray of hope and I know MB is not for everyone but there are many success story around hopeless and helpless situation M that got rebuild. Again, my 2¢ says that call Steve or Jenni or get C that preach MB to check what had you done in plan A. The fact that stbx is confused (from DV to not DV), your plan A pays off. It is too bad that H is a slow learner. Also there is time limit on plan B too, not forever.<p>I hijack someone else quote ...<p>Max Lucado, that says. "Relationships don't
thrive because the guilty are punished, but because the innocent are merciful."<p>By dawn you should get more response ...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by redhat:
<strong><p>I detect a slight ray of hope and I know MB is not for everyone but there are many success story around hopeless and helpless situation M that got rebuild. Again, my 2¢ says that call Steve or Jenni or get C that preach MB to check what had you done in plan A. The fact that stbx is confused (from DV to not DV), your plan A pays off. It is too bad that H is a slow learner. Also there is time limit on plan B too, not forever.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Thanks RedHat for your thoughts. I wish I saw that slight ray of hope but I'm at the point of letting go. I'm at peace with my decision and I know I will not regret because I did give it everything I had.

Hey, maybe I missed something...but it seems like moving half-way across the country would seem to be a Plan B action. And during this time you have been working on yourself and adjusting to single parenthold....all these are elements of Plan B. And the results? Well, maybe not discernible to you at this time, but after 14 months you are not divorced....and he is saying he's not sure he wants to be divorced.<p>You already are walking the walk...maybe now you need to talk the talk of Plan B....if you think you've done an adequate Plan A...then maybe it is time for you to let your WH know that the time limit on how long you will wait is drawning to a close...write the Plan B letter...let him know how you feel (you can find some wonderful examples on MB)....but that enough is enough.<p>The others are right in that this all is a process....and most effective if followed to the end....what have you got to lose anyway? Plan B is not much different then where you are now....but at least you're letting him know where you are.<p>The sad thing about all this is...like me, you have been there through all this...doing the best Plan A you could...and nevertheless he has continued with the A....but I'll bet your WH is like mine....in the back of his mind is always the idea that you'll be there whenever. This letter will let him know you won't....and that just might be the thing he needs. I think it's worth one last shot.<p>Faye

[QUOTE]Originally posted by buffy:
[QB]You already are walking the walk...maybe now you need to talk the talk of Plan B....if you think you've done an adequate Plan A...then maybe it is time for you to let your WH know that the time limit on how long you will wait is drawning to a close...write the Plan B letter...let him know how you feel (you can find some wonderful examples on MB)....but that enough is enough.[/b]<p>Hi Faye,<p>Well I guess I am walking the walk - walking out of this mess. Instead of the Plan B letter, I gave him the final divorce settlement with a timeframe to have it signed and turned in to my attorney in 1 week. I don't know how much louder I need to make my point, I'm done.