This was posted by Anna2000 on D/D. Happy_Hus authored it and gave Anna permission to post it.<p>I think it's a
must read.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>
quote:
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The following post was written by happy_hus to another MBer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>I was inspired by something Anna wrote to think back through my marriage and the course it took.
There are many times when my marriage seemed to be torn by W and my fears of sacrificing our individual dreams. I think this may be where you and your H are at right now. I hope the following post, albeit rather long, offers some description of what happened to us and how we see things differently now. <p>It seems that marriage for us was a bit like two boats traveling across the ocean with a mutual destination but no particular coarse. Where the boats are headed at any time is a decision that needs to be made by agreement of both captains. But the captains speak different languages so the communication is mainly through gestures - the way they treat each other. Hence, deciding the direction involves a lot of pointing and yelling at each other "lets go that way". Sometimes the captains think they have an agreement but are pursuing slightly different courses. When they point fingers, it seems they are generally going the same way, yet as they move toward that destination, they drift farther apart. <p>For W and I this all started when we were dating. We would share our dreams and aspirations and be supportive of each others goals. We were determined to work together to create the best family we could imagine together. We had a dream of what that family looked like. After we were married we started out on the big ocean with this great common destination in mind. The challenge was to stay on the same course without being able to communicate effectively. <p>As with most men I perceived that the most important milestone in getting to this common destination was to feed and provide for my family through career success. W agreed with this goal and was 100% behind it - at least she said she was. To me, this meant W having to be strong and looking after the home while I was busy - it was the most important milestone as far as I was concerned. I was fired up and ready to achieve great things. <p>What didn't make sense was why W kept hounding me to spend more time with her and the kids. Yeah, I knew all that Cat in the Cradle stuff and agreed that being there for them was also an important part of reaching that destination. I wanted to be both the perfect father and the perfect provider but they always seemed to conflict. I couldn't pursue both. We were on course for career success and deviating from that course would be counterproductive. Surely the other milestones in our dream could wait just a little longer... <p>I tried hard to explain the importance of this goal. She didn't seem to understand any of it. At times I would wonder if she really did share this supposedly mutual dream. How could helping her with the home and the kids be more important than my career? <p>
What was really scary was the idea that maybe she was lying to me. Maybe I was swindled into a marriage where I could never be successful. She says she is supportive but her actions suggest otherwise. How could I trust her? What if she leads me into a life where I devote all my spare time to the family and stagnate in my career? I could think of other men I know who did just that. Would I become one of them? What does the future hold for us as a couple if she doesn't really support my dream? Would I have to give up this milestone? Would I have to sacrifice my career? How could I live with myself if I did? These fears played on my mind and interfered with our ability to love one another.<p>As I paddled toward this dream career W was paddling toward the other aspect of our mutual dream. Her goal was to have a family where we all sit around the kitchen table at dinner, treat each other cheerfully and sometimes go on picnics in the park. She dreamed of a life where we shared the housework, responsibility for the kids and romantic adventures. She read books written by gurus providing recipes for happy marriages and decided that was what we needed. This was an honorable goal, which would lead to our mutual dream and was thus worthy of both of our commitment. Surely I understood this? If I didn't then she had to make me understand. <p>"We have to go this way," she shouts in Venusian- point, point, point. "Yeah, I know, as soon as we get past the island over the horizon" I shout in Martian - point, point, point. <p>When she saw me putting my career ahead of her worthy goal she reacted with the same fears that I had. What if I had lied to her? I seemed supportive of her goals but my actions suggest otherwise. How could she trust me? What if I swindled her into a marriage where she would end up becoming a slave looking after the home and kids while I pursued my career? She could think of other women who did just that. Would she become one of them? What does the future hold for us as a couple if I don't support her dream? Would she have to give up her important family goals? Raise the kids without a father? Sacrifice her dream? How could she live with herself if she did? These fears played on her mind and interfered with our ability to love one another. <p>For us it took 20+ years to finally reach a point where we could learn each others language and communicate effectively. A big part of that learning was changing our habit of thinking/assuming and work toward understanding each other. This wasn't easy. <p>In the end it turns out that we do both have the same destination in mind. But when you are on a big ocean the path isn't always clear. There are infinite ways to reach that destination and hence, we would each believe we HAD to a certain way panicked if we weren't headed in that direction.
Sometimes we did get lost. No doubt. It is not a journey without mistakes and inefficient endeavors. But that was part of the learning. Part of building faith in one another than we can overcome our failures and still love each other. <p>Looking back makes me smile and shake my head in amazement that we got to where we are. How stupid we both were in the pursuit of this dream. It seems almost silly. As I look ahead I really don't care where we end up now - as long as we get there together. You see, happiness doesn't come from reaching your destination, it comes from sharing the journey. There is no right or wrong destination, just a right or wrong way to communicate and make decisions. <p>Tom Robbins once wrote: "The bottom line is that people are never perfect, but love can be. We waste time creating the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."<p>You can substitute the words "pursuing the perfect dream" or "crating the perfect marriage" for the words "creating the perfect lover" and it is still just as insightful. Don't let your fears and mistrust get in the way of creating the perfect love in your relationship. Fear is the only waste of time.<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>
